tante punya cerita

there is no turning back, no way around. the way out is the way through....
there is a slight hesitation but hey i made this decision. if its gonna be hell... i could only pray i'll survive

"all my bags are packed i'm ready to go... i hate to wake you up and say goodbye...
i'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when i'll be back again. oh babe i hate to go..."



"one more day, one last look before i leave it all behind
never wanna wake up from this night, never wanna leave this moment
loving you is my finest hour, leaving you the hardest day of my life"

:


menghitung hari sebelum akhirnya benar2 meninggalkan bandungkotakembang dan menjajah ibukota....

 

sudah tinggal d ibukota kira2 20hari..status saya sudah bekerja sb kuli di salah satu tv swasta. mulai sekarang sepertinya diary saya akan seputar itu..pekerjaan dan mencaci maki bos saya

kerja d tv itu fun, ktmu bnyk orang, artis atw yg org tv bilang talent, ada sedikit jalan2 jug a kl kbetulan shooting dluar kantor slain itu seneng jga dpt bnyk tmen, dpt tim yg seniornya gokil parah tp juga expert bgt d kerjaan. overall sih saya enjoy dgn kerjaan saya meski jam kerjanya aga2 awkward. masuk jam2 siang baru pulang paling cepet jam1 pagi.

hal yg akhir2 ini jadi bikin down tu setelah tau perangan bos saya sombong bener...ngeremehin g cm saya tp senior saya juga sosok leader diktator yg jago marahin anak orang kayak yg g ngerti aja gmn susahnya jd kuli stasiun tv honestly, masih blm bs paham flow pribadi dia tuh kayak apa. msh blm yakin dgn apa yg sayaa liat kemaren2. apa doski cm maen peran atau memang gitulah pribadi dia yg arogan bit*hy.

bawaannya emosi terus kl inget c bos smoga saja kl emg kerjaan ini terbaik buat saya..saya dksih kekuatan menghadapi macanbunting itu, dberi kesabaran menjalani smuanya smp akhir waktu kontrak krja. tp kl ini bkn yg terbaik... cut it. biarkan saya di pecat dan jgn sampe hrs byr denda apapun d kontraknya

 

its been almost 7 month, working in one of biggest tv station in Indonesia. berikut adalah quote2 yang selalu terucap, baik dari saya atau rekan2 kerja saya.

"WHAT...A...LIFE"
"Pantang pulang sebelum tayang"
"Syittt maaann"
"ga punya duit? kerja di mana sih? bikin malu aja. masa pegawai *****7 ga punya duit"
"anying, babi, ********, brengsek, taeee"
"fakhh meenn"
"pencitraan"


ritual "menunggu pagi" di hari jumat, ngopi gaple, curhat, sampe bikin project film pendek
ritual "nge-roof" nongkrong di lantai 10 (rooftop kantor) gitar2an, nge galau, maen "spin bottle" sampe latihan creative performance di meeting produksi
sepagi apapun kita pulang sampe ketemu matahari terbit-pun, ga pernaaaahh disebut begadang. kenapa?? udah biasa kaleeeee
perpaduan epic adalah galau, rooftop/karoke bar, dan smirnoff ice/corona hasilnya adalah juicy scandal, walk of shame yang intinya adalah ketika sober dan bertemu dunia, you just wish that everyone as clueless as you are about what happen last night

cheers to life of a "jetlag" junior broadcaster

 

well, its been a while since my last post and... its been umh 3 months after i left that forsaken place. i keep telling my self and other the reason i left is :
1. My Dad health is worsen, i can't concentrate to work cause all i want is just to be around him watching him closely. that and complicated with other family problem.
2. I love the job, but hate the people i work with. i don't feel comfortable with people i work with, my boss and my team mates. Its my fault tough, but believe me that i'm trying my best to fit in. 7 months working, i understand them clearly as a person but we just don't have the click. i always did something wrong, its been trial and error but then they expect something more. i feel like.. they just see what i did wrong. i don't know whats right anymore so i keep making mistakes and i don't like that and they don't help.
3. the fact that i like the kind of life i had there. the freedom. i do what i want with my life, its my money, my life and my rules. i did a lot of things i didn't proud of. things that i should be ashamed of. thank God give me way. i learn, the only thing to stop me from going worse is to get out of there. and so i did it, get out of there.

People, family... the only know reason number 1 and 2. i don't have the guts to tell the third one, cause its gonna break em and see em break is gonna break me. there's just too much break to handle for me at that time. so i bear they thought that i'm giving up. its better than they finding out the person i've become.

its hard leaving jobs that most people dreamed of, its hard leaving good friends there, its hard letting go everything i worked hard, its hard accepting i couldn't have the "my life, my money, my rules" anymore and even harder when memories comes haunting. i'm not regretting my decision to leave, i'm sad seeing my parents devastated, thinking that my world is over. i'm not regretting anything even i miss the jobs and the friend almost everyday. i've made my choice, i accept the risk. and yes, reality sucks when it comes to face other people asking why you're in town while they know i was working in the city.

but hey, as my docent said " 5 years is a very long time. there's more to life for you outside the job you have now" she's right. now i have the chance to do and to get i always want the most, having my master degree.

all i'm saying, life is a series of choices. choices you made based on risk you can handle. back then was too much and i don't like the person i've become. its too risky to stay. happiness is simple, its not always about you ruling your world, its how you can share what you have with people you love the most. i feel good having "my life, my money, my rules" but i feel content to be able watching my parents grow old. making sure i won't lose a moment of their old days. now i know why we've been taught to always loving, respecting and obeying our parents. they've been good to us for no reason but their love, and they'll keep that way until there's no breath left in their lungs. and we... there won't be second chance to mend the time we waste to what we called "growing up" so... when i had the chance, i rest my case, i give up, i just want to watch em for as long as life left for me or for them.

Ahh... what a morning...
at first i just want to write something about the cold air and rain, but then i end up writing about all that. ah.. just so be it...

 

alhamdulillah sekarang udah kerja lagi walau statusnya cuma sementara untuk gantiin temen yang cuti melahirkan.
sekarang, mulai menata dan melangkah menuju realisasi mimpi step by step.

sabtu lalu berasa kena tampar sama temen.
she said, "gw rasa masalah lo adalah lo blom yakin sama keinginan lo, masih angin-anginan gt kadang ngebet pengen punya suami/pacar tarpi trus lo santai lagi. bukan berarti lo harus repot nyari2 sana sini tapi pada intinya adalah lo harus sungguh2 pengen itu. masalah nanti dapetnya kayak apa mending lo serahin dan pasrahin aja sama yang kuasa. Tuhan ga akan ngecewakan umatnya."

i got me stunned for few minutes there...

and now i tried to change the course...

 

di kantorku sekarang, banyak waktu luang...
awalnya guilty kalo foruman, tapi berhubung ga boleh keluar kantor meski ga ada kerjaan jadi BODOAMAT
untung juga spot saya dipojokan dan bisa ngeliat ke seluruh ruangan, perfect spot!! bisa curi2, bisa mengawasi karyawan lain juga. kan ceritanya jadi hrd

pagi ini, mau miting review bulanan pertama... cya
kalo ada cerita lagi for the rest of the day, nantih saya balik lagi

 

have you ever loved someone for seven years and can only have em in less than a month?
-i do

have you ever suddenly awaken so early in the morning after a sleepless night and late working hour? then you can't fall asleep again because you missing someone so much that only by hearing his voice can soothe you back to slumber?
-i do

have you ever tried to give everything you have to someone who might not even have a same deep feelings like you do?
-i do

have you ever been so stupid that you close your eyes from others for someone that keeps you hanging for the last 10 years? and you're not even regretting every second and every opprotunity you've lost because of it?
-i do

baby, that is how much i care about you and that is how bad the pain you've caused.
you are the base of dreams, my writing inspiration.
you are the story of my life that i gladly to have.
without you, i will never stand a broken heart cause your inflicted pain in me makes me stronger.

there is no boundaries with you.
i can be just what i am, good or bad.
you were like my catalyst, the one that keep me and hold me together whenever i've gone too far.
you're not good, but you're not bad. f
or what its worth, my life would be complete by having you.

i had to wait for you, i need to know.
but when its time for my ship to sail and i still hadn't known, well.... lets just pray we can sleep better after that.
just like we said before, "we have to let go of each other".
i hope, if that time comes... we'll finally stop saying, "i'll find you again"
​

 

dirasa-rasa idup gw seminggu ini nge-blur... makan ga jelas, ga berasa, nonton film lewat gt aja ga ada bekasnya, kerjaan juga lewat2 aja padahal harusnya ribet. ntah nganggap enteng semuanya atau numb. yang pasti sih represi sm supresi bekerja giat2nya.

dan untuk kesekian kalinya...
setiap kaki ini mulai punya landasan berpijak yang kuat, ketika mimpi perlahan mulai melihat titik cerah menjadi nyata...yak... sekejap semua menggelap. macam masuk klub malam hingar-bingar, semangat mau disko, pas baru masuk tiba2 listrik mati.

katanya orang bijak dan guru agama, kalo hal seperti itu terjadi coba tafakur, introspeksi. hal kayak gitu bukan human error, tapi udah jalan yang dikasih Tuhan sama kita. and you know what, i understand, i accepted it. but even after a few times happened it still hurt. it still overwhelms you.

mental state on outbreak...
you seeking comfort in anything you can find...fast
the urge to just giving up cling on your back every moments turn..
your eyes sore for holding your tears...

this is sad, this is sadness. and no, i'm not grieving yet

sent from my heart using Galau 2.05

 

trying so hard to not include too much heart and emotion at work.
kalo udah terlalu terlibat capeknya berasa berlipet-lipet deh

first job, putting all on work. hasilnya burn out
sekarang lagi belajar setengah-setengah tapi di rumah juga bikin jengah jadinya tetep burn out kayaknya

jadi ternyata gw butuh kerjaan yang setengah-setengah, half office dan half field yang gw tetep ada kerjaan keluar kantor.
di trang udah enak, tp working hours-nya ga sepadan sama bayarannya dan disana susah untuk bisa nggak include too much emotion karena kerjaan disana itu banyakan pake sense, sense of art, humor etc. every concept had to be logical but if doesn't a perfect/right sense, then its junk.

kerjaan yang sekarang beneran boring. temen gw pernah bilang gitu, gak menantang dan too routine. well, bersyukur banget sih dengan kerjaan ini less drama and conflict apalagi liat salary-nya. its a stable job but it makes you dull if you stay too long. at the moment, gw nggak bisa ngebayangin kerja long term disini. but hey, bukan maksud menolak rejeki yah... i'm just saying.

jadi... kerjaan yang cociks buat gw apa yah???
still looking...

 

kangen-kangenan sama kerjaan di trans 7. well, ga kerasa hampir setahun lalu loh gw resign

ini gegara semalem buka-buka file recording di henpon cina tercinta. berhubung itu file-nya nggak gw rename jadi nggak tau apa aja yang di record, jadilah di play satu-satu. record pertama yang didenger ternyata pas shooting Rolling Stone Cafe, itu Jamrud lagi take untuk lagu Pelangi Di Matamu itu pertama kalinya Jamrud tampil dengan Krisyanto lagi setelah Kris mengumumkan keluar dari Jamrud taun berapa yah.. lupa.

track kedua agak-agak mikir soalnya intro-nya panjang, sampe ahirnya denger suara Sigit Wardhana "mungkin akuuuu... bukan pujanggaaa...." howaaaaa, Base Jam. sapa yang ndak kenal lagu itu pada jamannya. disitu juga gw mulai jatuh cinta dengan akustik dan cajon. track berlanjut dengan beberapa lagu dari Jamrud dan Base Jam. haaahh... poto gw sama Jamrud blom di share nih sma senior PA gw

track terakhir makin ambigu, gitarnya kurang jelas dan kedengeran "na na na" suara cewe yang rendah. cetttarrr... itu recording gw bareng brenki sama rina di rooftop kantor. brenk ini temen baik gw, sempet jadi bassist-nya the cinnamon dia dan rina ini anak magang yang ngekorin brenki. ceritanya gw sama brenki lagi latian buat creative performance di depan mas tama dan bos-bos besar.
lagu-nya medley Kahitna - Tentang Diriku sama Katy Perry - Firework. brenki main gitar dan gw sok-sok-an main cajon sementara si rina vokalnya, rina ini bagus loh suaranya jazzy banget.

Spoiler: ini foto kita di roof

banyak hal yang ngangenin dan bikin gw bangga disana. kangen sama newbee, gengs yang masuk kantor satu batch sama gw. kangen mak des, marce, brenki, mance, kalian semua deh. kangen dimana gw bisa realisasiin ide-ide gw yang sebelumnya gw pikir cuma mimpi. bangga ide gw bisa jadi tayangan. dan yang pasti bangga, bisa mengenal para seleb diluar cover keartisan mereka. atau terkesan dengan humble-nya mereka, talenta mereka.

mumpung di kantor nggak ada kerjaan

Proudest moment of my life there :
1. Bisa ngeliat live konsernya Vina Panduwinata, to be actually talking, joking with her. dia baik bangeeettt, dia tau gw anak tipi baru dari cara gw nanya atau the fact that my senior keep whispering at me. tapi dia ngerti, dia nepuk punggung gw. ngingetin ke semua crew kalo segala sesuatu itu harus mulai dari nol dan jangan malu untuk belajar terus.

2. Farid Hardja, anak 90an mana kenal sama dia. berkat celetuk senior gw yg di todong konsep sama executive produser jam 2 pagi, entah karena udah lelah atau apa bos gw ini setuju untuk bikin tribute to Farid Hardja. dan senior gw pun melemparkan konten episode itu ke gw. meski dia yang presentasi dan tanggung jawab ke EP dan Producer tapi yang riset, yang milih lagu, penyanyi, konten interview, script dan pengaturan per segmen itu gw yang bikin. gw ketemu temen baiknya Farid Hardja, om Emier Abay ngobrol banyak tentang Farid the Indonesian Elton John pada jamannya. ngeliat ratingnya juga lumayan dan EP serta Producer gw mangut-mangut nikmatin waktu preview itu tuh puaaaaaassssss banget

3.Get to talk to Elfa's Singer. i actually called Yana Julio dan Agus Wisman. Elfa's adalah musisi yang dikala artis lain pada ribet cek sound pengen ini itu. waktu gw tanya mereka mau gimana. mas agus wisman jawabnya, "gampang ajalah, ada mic ya kita nyanyi." masalah bayaran juga lantjar nggak rese sampe batal deal macam artis ttt. mereka nyanyi ya pengen menghibur, berbagi ilmu, ngasih tau ini nih nyanyi yang bener. duit mah nomer sekian... mereka juga bukan orang-orang kepo.
*juicy story ini gw safe untuk lain kali aja. shooting episode elfa's ini sangat menghibur*

apalagi yah... itu aja dulu kali yaaaa

 

hari minggu lalu seorang temen ikrar syahadat, menjadi seorang muslimah.
rasanya remeh banget masalah idup gw dibandingkan apa yang dia hadapi dengan pilihannya itu.

berpindah keyakinan is a very big deal for everyone, i mean... ga ada satu agamapun yang membolehkan penganutnya keluar dari agamanya. she had to through lots of trouble, dari diceramahin keluarga besarnya ampir 5 jam. the fact that her dad pada akhirnya "membuang" dia, literally said he disown her as his daughter, the fact that not more than two months ago her mother died after years of sickness, the fact that she had 2 little sister and little brother who count on her every single day. yes, dia udah jadi tulang punggung keluarga sejak dia lulus SMA 4 taun lalu.

gw jadi saksi saat dia ngumpet belajar ngaji dirumah temen, sedikit-sedikit nitipin pakaian dia dirumah temen setelah "diusir" sama bokapnya. bahkan setelah dia ikrar, she's afraid to go home. afraid of her father wrath. malem itu, dia nginep dirumah tetangga sebelum akhirnya bisa ngontrak kamar di deket tempat kerjanya.
another shocking things adalah, saat ikrar itu... Ayah dari pacarnya yg ternyata muslim bilang, "kamu jangan khawatir, kamu sudah bapak anggap keluarga. di resmikan saja, hari minggu kalian nikah gimana?"
aside from love that she felt to her boyfriend, i understand why she take the chance. she found new family after being dumped. lebih dari itu semua, buat gw everyone deserve a happiness, a happy ending perhaps apalagi dengan apa yang temen gw ini lalui. she gets through all that and she's much younger than me so i guess i should take a lesson.

"Everybody deserve a happiness, perhaps a happy ending"
"But... Even happy ending has it own price"
​

 

​

Living like a zombie, lost in thought, can't quite grasp reality. I feel like shade, going through my life unknowingly. A dull sense at everything. Maybe that is my way of grieving. Some people cries at the moments of chaos, i just stood there holding myself together. Trying not to break, putting logic to my feelings that "this is not the time". i swallowed every pain, letting those tears falls only when this eyes too sore to hold it, only when reality suffocate my lungs. i have to be strong, i have to be brave for Mom.

People said it'll get easier with time, but it didn't felt that way. Each day, reality pushed and keep reminding me that Dad's gone and i keep saying "its ok, i'll be fine." I don't know for how long i can be fine, and i don't know if i can keep my self away from my "destructive mode." All i do now, is taking chances to have a better life by carrying Mom with me. She's not a burden, never will.

Sometimes i lost my self in the moment while my brains plays memories of Dad's and his last moment in life. His last two days is still a blur for me. I can't remember precisely what happen before after something. I remember he asked me to hold him, I remember he asked for drinks, I remember he asked not to close the door, I remember sing "shalawat" until he falls asleep. The last thing i did was, putting a pillow under his feet.

Then, Mom panicked saying Dad's gone and holding him. I see my oldest brother checking his pulse, his breath, he said that Dad's still alive then i checked his pulse, nothing. I watched his face grows pale, his hands and feel getting cold. About 10.03 it is declared that Dad's really gone, it felt like someone strangled me. I can't breathe. The last thing I said before he was enclosed with "kafan" were "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Allah, help Dad"

Aside from his mistakes and everything he's done, he is my dad. The last time he picked me up is when i'm home after signing a contract with that television company. After that, he was hardly can walk. That night, we were sitting on the side of the road comforting me and encourage me. I remember what he said, "Dimanapun kamu kerja dan apapun kerjaannya, syukuri, jalani, jadilah yang terbaik. Orang akan melihat bukti, nggak perlu banyak bertingkah, nggak perlu banyak bicara. Bapak yakin anak-anak bapak bisa sukses. Pesen bapak cuma itu."

well, i think i have to stop writing. its suffocating and my eyes sore...

I Love you Dad, rest in peace now...

 

I made this vow months ago,
and some of my friends asking me to put it somewhere for their wedding.
well, as much as i appreciate your appreciation.... i just don't have a heart to give it away just yet.
bukan masalah uang atau materi untuk menggantikan ide-nya, it simply because this is more than just an idea.
i made it truthfully and sincerely...


I promise, I'll say the truth and be honest as i can be
I promise, i never even try to leave you
I promise, you will know, everything I am is for you
I am yours

I promise, to love and taking care of our kids. our family.
I promise, there won't be a day when I'm not worrying and missing you.
I promise, you will know, you're not wasting your time for being with me.
I am worth the risk.

I'll share my life, I'll share my stories.
I'll giveth nothing less than what you give to me.
I will always keeping you close within me as i can be.
I will never meant causing you pain in the first place.

As lost as I am, believe me, you'll be the last thing i want to lose.
As mad as I am, it never means I want you gone.
As crazy as I am, you're the one thing that keeps my sanity intact.
I am shattered without you.

So, i pray to God that you will stay
I won't begin to imagine how my life is, with you gone.

This is the promise I'm willing to keep to have you.
And with this, I vow to give you my heart.




nggak ada kata LOVE kan, diatas...
because love is not just a word, love is what you do.
i rarely said it, but when i do, its honest and sincere.
and maybe that is the reason someone called me a cold heart B**ch.
well, i prefer the ice queen though

 

just struck by this reality...

i will not have my dad walking me down the aisle
i will not have my dad marrying me with that one man
i will not have my dad in every moments of my life ever again...

jadi dengan siapa aku harus bicara?
jadi bagaimana aku tahu kalau dia itu pantas jadi pendampingku?
jadi siapa yang akan meyakinkan aku kalau aku akan baik-baik saja dengan pendampingku?

dad....
oh...
just...
oh...
why...
how...

 

satu per satu di kelarin
segala yang di drag, dilepasin satu-satu, diberesin
letting go - - - lessen burden ahead - - - pain sting like a bitc*

its all right,
it will be ok,
i'll be fine

​

 

curhat lagi...

ada manusia yang resync subtitle gw tanpa minta ijin dulu
sebenernya bukan masalah gaya-gayaan atau sok-sokan sampe harus minta ijin, cuma sekedar informasi aja buat gw siapa yang udah make dan "merevisi" sub gw.
kenapa?
gini-gini juga gw punya reputasi yang harus dipertahankan
kebeneran udah banyak yang pake sub gw, kalo subnya trus jadi aneh karena "revisi" dan mereka komplain.. gw bisa apa coba?
at least dengan tau siapa-siapa aja yang revisi saya bisa trace apa yang salah dan perubahannya di mana dan gw bisa kasih jawaban ke user.
i know it sound too much dan lebay
but really.. i take this kind of things seriously.

 

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aaahhh....
i suddenly missed dad again...
preservation, right dad??
you taught me that...
and i can't do it
i feel like i'm disappointing you
i'm sorry

 

This is a speech to remember and retrospec...
Anak SMA bisa mikir kek gini, padahal gw baru kepikiran gini setelah lulus kuliah dan nyicip kerja.

Spoiler: speech

Valedictorian Speaks Out Against Schooling in Graduation Speech

by Erica Goldson

Here I stand

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, “If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen? The Master thought about this, then replied, “Ten years.” The student then said, “But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast – How long then?” Replied the Master, “Well, twenty years.” “But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?” asked the student. “Thirty years,” replied the Master. “But, I do not understand,” said the disappointed student. “At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?” Replied the Master, “When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path.”

This is the dilemma I’ve faced within the American education system. We are so focused on a goal, whether it be passing a test, or graduating as first in the class. However, in this way, we do not really learn. We do whatever it takes to achieve our original objective.

Some of you may be thinking, “Well, if you pass a test, or become valedictorian, didn’t you learn something? Well, yes, you learned something, but not all that you could have. Perhaps, you only learned how to memorize names, places, and dates to later on forget in order to clear your mind for the next test. School is not all that it can be. Right now, it is a place for most people to determine that their goal is to get out as soon as possible.

I am now accomplishing that goal. I am graduating. I should look at this as a positive experience, especially being at the top of my class. However, in retrospect, I cannot say that I am any more intelligent than my peers. I can attest that I am only the best at doing what I am told and working the system. Yet, here I stand, and I am supposed to be proud that I have completed this period of indoctrination. I will leave in the fall to go on to the next phase expected of me, in order to receive a paper document that certifies that I am capable of work. But I contend that I am a human being, a thinker, an adventurer – not a worker. A worker is someone who is trapped within repetition – a slave of the system set up before him. But now, I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position? Sure, I earned it, but what will come of it? When I leave educational institutionalism, will I be successful or forever lost? I have no clue about what I want to do with my life; I have no interests because I saw every subject of study as work, and I excelled at every subject just for the purpose of excelling, not learning. And quite frankly, now I’m scared.

John Taylor Gatto, a retired school teacher and activist critical of compulsory schooling, asserts, “We could encourage the best qualities of youthfulness – curiosity, adventure, resilience, the capacity for surprising insight simply by being more flexible about time, texts, and tests, by introducing kids into truly competent adults, and by giving each student what autonomy he or she needs in order to take a risk every now and then. But we don’t do that.” Between these cinderblock walls, we are all expected to be the same. We are trained to ace every standardized test, and those who deviate and see light through a different lens are worthless to the scheme of public education, and therefore viewed with contempt.

H. L. Mencken wrote in The American Mercury for April 1924 that the aim of public education is not “to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence. … Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim … is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States.”

To illustrate this idea, doesn’t it perturb you to learn about the idea of “critical thinking?” Is there really such a thing as “uncritically thinking?” To think is to process information in order to form an opinion. But if we are not critical when processing this information, are we really thinking? Or are we mindlessly accepting other opinions as truth?

This was happening to me, and if it wasn’t for the rare occurrence of an avant-garde tenth grade English teacher, Donna Bryan, who allowed me to open my mind and ask questions before accepting textbook doctrine, I would have been doomed. I am now enlightened, but my mind still feels disabled. I must retrain myself and constantly remember how insane this ostensibly sane place really is.

And now here I am in a world guided by fear, a world suppressing the uniqueness that lies inside each of us, a world where we can either acquiesce to the inhuman nonsense of corporatism and materialism or insist on change. We are not enlivened by an educational system that clandestinely sets us up for jobs that could be automated, for work that need not be done, for enslavement without fervency for meaningful achievement. We have no choices in life when money is our motivational force. Our motivational force ought to be passion, but this is lost from the moment we step into a system that trains us, rather than inspires us.

We are more than robotic bookshelves, conditioned to blurt out facts we were taught in school. We are all very special, every human on this planet is so special, so aren’t we all deserving of something better, of using our minds for innovation, rather than memorization, for creativity, rather than futile activity, for rumination rather than stagnation? We are not here to get a degree, to then get a job, so we can consume industry-approved placation after placation. There is more, and more still.

The saddest part is that the majority of students don’t have the opportunity to reflect as I did. The majority of students are put through the same brainwashing techniques in order to create a complacent labor force working in the interests of large corporations and secretive government, and worst of all, they are completely unaware of it. I will never be able to turn back these 18 years. I can’t run away to another country with an education system meant to enlighten rather than condition. This part of my life is over, and I want to make sure that no other child will have his or her potential suppressed by powers meant to exploit and control. We are human beings. We are thinkers, dreamers, explorers, artists, writers, engineers. We are anything we want to be – but only if we have an educational system that supports us rather than holds us down. A tree can grow, but only if its roots are given a healthy foundation.

For those of you out there that must continue to sit in desks and yield to the authoritarian ideologies of instructors, do not be disheartened. You still have the opportunity to stand up, ask questions, be critical, and create your own perspective. Demand a setting that will provide you with intellectual capabilities that allow you to expand your mind instead of directing it. Demand that you be interested in class. Demand that the excuse, “You have to learn this for the test” is not good enough for you. Education is an excellent tool, if used properly, but focus more on learning rather than getting good grades.

For those of you that work within the system that I am condemning, I do not mean to insult; I intend to motivate. You have the power to change the incompetencies of this system. I know that you did not become a teacher or administrator to see your students bored. You cannot accept the authority of the governing bodies that tell you what to teach, how to teach it, and that you will be punished if you do not comply. Our potential is at stake.

For those of you that are now leaving this establishment, I say, do not forget what went on in these classrooms. Do not abandon those that come after you. We are the new future and we are not going to let tradition stand. We will break down the walls of corruption to let a garden of knowledge grow throughout America. Once educated properly, we will have the power to do anything, and best of all, we will only use that power for good, for we will be cultivated and wise. We will not accept anything at face value. We will ask questions, and we will demand truth.

So, here I stand. I am not standing here as valedictorian by myself. I was molded by my environment, by all of my peers who are sitting here watching me. I couldn’t have accomplished this without all of you. It was all of you who truly made me the person I am today. It was all of you who were my competition, yet my backbone. In that way, we are all valedictorians.

I am now supposed to say farewell to this institution, those who maintain it, and those who stand with me and behind me, but I hope this farewell is more of a “see you later” when we are all working together to rear a pedagogic movement. But first, let’s go get those pieces of paper that tell us that we’re smart enough to do so!

 

sebenernya banyak yang pengen di tulis, i'm gonna start with this one..

Seorang temen pernah bilang, "lo kok mau sih diporotin temen kek gitu. they don't actually close and hang around with you." pada saat itu gw ga pernah merasa "dimanfaatkan" but this friend got a point. Akhirnya kadang gw berpikir begitu tapi itu nggak bikin gw untuk berhenti. Orang mungkin bilang gw bodoh atau naif, i might be, tapi selama gw "ada" ya.. apa salahnya nyenengin orang lain?
Let just say life turn around. My share of having more than enough is ending. Sekarang, orang-orang yang so-called "memanfaatkan" gw nggak tau keadaan gw gimana. They having the time of their life, some travelling around the world, some become doctors or the kind of people with luxury. I couldn't care less about that. But there are those people who stays with me, helping me, taking care of me.

My point is...
I don't believe in Karma. Agama gw mengajarkan bahwa kebaikan akan di balas dengan kebaikan, bahwa Tuhan tidak akan pernah menyia-nyiakan amal umatnya walau hanya sebesar "zarah" (biji beras kalo ga salah), gw meyakini itu. Mereka yang pernah menerima kebaikan lo mungkin sudah lupa atau bahkan tidak merasa pernah "dibaikin", apa gunanya mikirin itu? I found out that kebaikan yang lo tanam akan lo petik dan lo terima hasilnya meski bukan dari spot yang sama, but you will have yours.
Jadi gw rasa, kita nggak perlu banyak mikir dan banyak mengharapkan sesuatu untuk bisa berbuat baik.

Sebar kebaikan, kapanpun lo mampu.​