OriFic Various Landscapes I've Seen From Home

Landscape 4-2 : Withdrawal

Spoiler: Landscape 4-2

If nothing could possibly go wrong, would it be right if we did the stupidest thing imaginable? Would it be plausible if we took some taste of faith, to see whether it was actually the best thing to do? For some people nothing ever went right, was it because of a lack of faith instead of fortune? Were the fate of ours were actually decided not by our own strength but the power of spirits? Who knows.

Regardless of my tendency of self-reliance, if there's someone or something that's actually reliable, I think it's good enough to just rely on them and just do the best I can, in my own way. I have been around quite a lot of unreliable people—those who disappointed me where there's chance inbound. I probably had a change of heart and belief at one time, and that's where everything started to change. It was a new beginning that I was looking forward to all this time.

The main thing that made me move forward wasn't in depth planning or philosophical contemplation. It's mainly just a glint of my own stupidity.

Xxx​

One stupid thing I might want to disclose is about how less rewarding the writing is. With so much effort given to write, the appreciation given might be very less. Everywhere I went to, the writing community was pretty much the same. It somewhat enclosed themselves towards the general public, since people around me, nobody really cared to read.

It started to be quite active quite some years ago, but lately as people began to grow older, notably as they moved from simply being a college student to start working—they left in pursuit of a much rewarding thing. Well, I think, writing was probably the only thing in which people could get criticized so bad regardless of the amount of effort they put in.

Since there's just so many readers in comparison to the writers, they think they could say anything they like, and anyone who were offended by their hurtful words would be marked with disdain by entire community. Well, I guess in professional world, since they already appreciated with money and also various awards, wouldn't the most highly acclaimed authors out there more deserving of harsh words like that, so they wouldn't get complacent?

What I had seen out there, people kept on beating up those who were commonly seen as bad. Even though the actual work was made with heart for people of similar interest to enjoy together. When people start making honest remarks on those highly acclaimed works, people went really mad—stop hating what I like—why don't you stop doing the same to other works you didn't enjoy? Why must you waste time hating on something that's not to your interest, when there's a lot of things out there that might suit your tastes better?

You probably want to be a critic or so, but instead of making personal attacks, couldn't you present your arguments in a logical manner? Something that everybody else could see as a flaw, at least technically, rather than mainly a pointless rant nobody would care. Or at the very least, could you please, speak about your opinions, nicely?

Nobody knew what the artist had been through while making his works, especially in the professional works there were a lot of pressure going on. More often than not I've seen people committing suicide due to a lot of stress. At one point they began to question their own passion and talent. If only i were born able to do something else, rather than this.

You might said, I've been through a lot more shit when I had to work in such pressure and stress, and they could just do what they could for fun. You know nothing about them, you know nothing about their troubles.

I knew, as I also used to be in the same shoes as them. Never made through it professionally but at least I've got quite enough painful experiences to get a grasp on what it's like out there. I knew how hurtful those words to those who gave their all. How miserable it was to put your whole feelings into your work, but still got rejected. It was so painful, that even the words of encouragement, like : you're doing good, felt like a message of pity.

It was very sad, in a world where everyone else must lose in order for a select few to win.

In the place where I'm currently active in, I want to completely abolish the idea of 'winner takes all', where everyone else could just freely share their work of art without the fear of winning or losing. Everything was equal. Though, even if there'd be no conflict or hurtful feelings, what I instigated actually went off to a much worse level.

People don't care about writing anymore—it's just for fun—it's just nothing serious. You don't have to continue your story when you're not feeling like it--you don't have to read my works if you're not interested in. Real life is much more important than mainly writing a story—it's just a hobby, after all. If you wanted to be a professional author, this is not the place for you. This is the place if you want to throw all of your dreams and just write for the sake of writing itself.

Those are the words I used to say to them.

It's not something you should take seriously at all.

Writing is just fun and games, not really something you should consider more than a hobby. You might be in a world of hurt if you go beyond that. Besides of that, you can express your most honest feelings without the fear of being judged, when you're sharing it with someone who shares your ideals.

If you're writing solely to be better than others, and to make them fall when you rise up and win various competitions—you're a fool—you already lost something very important even before the competition had begun—all of your victories were only a foolish facade, a delusion that you're better than everyone else, when in reality, who knows. It's not like I could guess the mind of those who rose to the top and be looked up by a lot of people. Never really been in that position.

Judging a work of art could be unfair. Critics could be really harsh, that they destroys the very heart of honest artists without mercy. You could argue so much especially those with beliefs the exact opposite of yours, to the point you wished that other person to disappear, since they trampled upon the things you regard highly as if it was just something stupid.

A lot of it, just by engaging in something very less rewarding such as writing, or maybe art in general. People could be very sensitive when it comes to attacks on their work, while personal insults didn't mean much to them.

Though, this ain't the most relevant thing to disclose. In the place I am now, there were hardly any readers anymore. People were busy with their own lives and reading a lot other things that were more interesting. A lot of us who were active in the past had pretty much quitted, or at least stopped caring much about writing in here. There's nothing much going on, besides boredom.

I guess, there's a nice thing about writing being fun and games. When it's all serious about all of those technical stuff and a lot of dull-sounding terminology that was studied for the sake of 'being better', I felt so out of place it ain't even funny.

In the end, I couldn't force anyone to devote themselves to writing. Let them just choose their own passion. At the very least, I'm glad, that they were still here as a group of old friends, even if they didn't really care about writing anymore.

Maybe, before we're authors, we're here as a human being, after all.

 

Landscape 4-3 : Low Tide

Spoiler: Landscape 4-3

"Please cum in my face and rupture your asshole through your cheeks."

The account for yesterday's renovation was about one liter of cum and semen inside this valley. About one weight of bacon stored in a seedy storage, but you knew when the gnomes were about to have blatant intercourse as a stowaway. Inside the storage room, they were about to abort one last fetus before they ate it and served it inside the nearby t-chow restaurants. As a quaint example, they served cockroach's testicles for dumpling meatballs and used a baby's umbilical cord as a good-luck noodle.

Bad luck was going on until my day went and gone by. Nevertheless, I like bacon as much as I love you and *** clumped together in a solitary dumpling bum hole. A hole that was burning so high and mighty, tentacle rape. A large but small, and so large you could urinate through a boulder when you had one billion eggs inside your sperm that was lactating from a moist cheese stick. The last time you cut through the perception of time, was the last moment you failed a test because you forgot to write the name of your penis in the wall beside the border harboring alternate dimension of hell.

"Process of unbirthing several times require you to choke on the delicious caesar salad in front of dreadful emperor of the mountains while performing the forbidden dance and laughing at the rain. As thunderstorm struck your belly, you would realize, something had died inside—it was the jizz in your pants."

I heard a poem, a very obscene poem. It was about a man who wanted to have *** with another man, but felt really reluctant to do so because his family wanted him to be pregnant with another woman. He was pregnant, but he wasn't. He was actually preganant though, even if the truth is, he actually lied. About five days after he walked outside the valley of the shadow of death, he whispered to death: 'please, can you die already?'

If death has died, would death times death equal a square of death? If the square of death has died once again, it would become a cube of death, and if you view at death in a negative manner and you would tried to make root of its own square, then death would became somewhat imaginary—there would be no death. In any ways possible, there would always be ways to make death became imaginary. As if it didn't exist in the first place. Though, the pain, would always be real.

Maybe death wasn't the ultimate fear, it was something else, like leaving someone and something important for a very long time, maybe forever. So I guess, when you died, you'd best telling everyone to also die so you will never be apart. Maybe we're all just died together in one way or another, the cycle repeats itself. When someone died, they were like students getting transfered to another school very far away beyond reach. Maybe they got transfered back, but no one would remember them anymore when they return.

Some things didn't really came back to life after they died down. It was a very fragile thing. I myself, if I were to hold on to something of such weakness, I'd probably skip on that responsibility. If it were something akin to an object, it wouldn't be long before I knocked it down by accident and torn it apart. As such, I never wished to grab hold of things that couldn't afford to take a beating.

If my life was so fragile, I probably would just give it away to someone else who could take care of it. I don't want to be entrusted with something that I could never get myself to care for, because of how complicated it was. It's not like I have a lot of things to do with my life at all. Just churning out a lot of nonsense most likely didn't count—or mainly trying to think about which kind of meal would suffice for the moment.

One of the meals might include lasagna with titties and pills. Not to mention the embalment of smoking weed through burning pubic hairs. I wish I could start taking pills soon but medication was too expensive for me. I felt somewhat riddled with disgrace as I stared atop the mirror with my eyes closed.

I want to parachute on top of the cliff whilst yelling the name of the next door's v*gina. What if I could jump from the outer space with my eyes wide open, felt the chill of void permeating my skin? In silence I prayed, in the crowd, I retreated. By myself, I felt a sense of tranquil. With others I only felt lonely since they kept reminding me of things I lack—meddlesome company.

Some of these days I was just going to spend my time thinking about the stupidest things when I told you the noodle you were eating yesterday was actually my noodle. The entire humanity that began some time ago through the act of sharing, especially pain. I looked back from days before, towards the dim future. Nothing much had changed beside the numbers. Ain't really something deep to think besides choosing which show to marathon during the broad dusk day. I just firmly decided it was time for my genitals to shine.

After a long walk of festering candy corn, I came to realize a lot of things happening throughout the days. What would happen if nothing would came to fruition and everything actually went wrong? What would we do in midst of distress, without someone to rely on? What might happen, if you were in times of need and the best you can do is pretend that you're someone else? It might be nice if we didn't need to rely on someone we didn't want to rely on.

Those who you couldn't view as friends no matter what, would eventually turn into your enemy. Those who would make your life suffer at any given moment. So I guess, I wanted to start eliminating all of the hassles that were bound to happen in life, by not doing anything at all.

There was a low tide in the beach today. It means a storm would come soon enough. When it came by, I knew there's nothing to fear of. I bear no pretense and I clung to nothing beside a solid foundation beneath my feet.

All that were washed away were just the dirt of the past. A previous experience that wasn't even worthwhile to even reminisce.

 

Landscape 4-4 : Patchquilt

Spoiler: Landscape 4-4

Everything was okay; things were going to be alright, I assure you. Even when the moon stopped bleeding, it wouldn't really change a thing. Inside my room, I was praying; my hands tightly clasped together as sweat formed across my body. It went through my forehead; flushed toward my cheeks; slowly but surely drenched the clothes I was wearing. As it entered the pore of my skin, I felt a sense of numbness and chill behind my back.

A small nipple; it took me towards the edge of the universe where I finally got to converse with my own nipple. It was nothing that deep or philosophical. Just something usual like: how were your grades during school? Did you do well in college? How's your job? How 'bout your current love life? How about starting a family and choosing between an apartment or a home through fixed-rate loan? Did you have retirement plans and elaborate investment plans in your current age?

Last but not least, have you decided how you wanted to die? To where you wanted to go in the afterlife? How will you spend that amount of eternity in recess before you got the notion to start a new life out there somewhere? Or if you had given choice to reborn, what kind of things you want to keep, and things you want to discard, not to mention, in which world you wanted your new self to be born?

It simply nod to me, speaking the most profound words I've ever heard in my life:

"Coitus error nipple."

I nipple, therefore I'm nipple.

Xxx​

In my eyes, I've seen a golfball protruding above the court. Atop the grassy lush meadow, nicely trimmed. I picked it up, and ate it. Speaking of which, I do not know what place it was called, when you place a golf ball on it before you swing it. Well, let's just call it the ground, since you need to place it on ground before you're able to swing and hit it. Well, how about trying to hit the golf ball mid-air like what you got in tennis or badminton? Would it be called ten-golf-miton? That sounds a real mouthful to say.

At the very least, it doesn't make you feel as miserable as human being when you attended your first grammar class, with your teachers telling you that you're a ******* disgrace in your ability to spell alone. I was waiting for a moment where I could just skip all of these classes but the teacher kept offering me apple, sometimes sandwich, doughnuts or even pizza and all we did was simply reading ridiculous stories and correcting the things we found funny.

It wasn't really grammar class anymore; it was more like, absurdist reading. That's the only aspect of a grammar class that I'd like, the moment it didn't even try to became one, and instead it turned into something in which the students would be willing to learn on their own.

Well, the thing about my first class of that kind being really miserable was true though. I was only a grade-schooler and the teacher vomited on my handwriting and uttered swear words I wished I could forget for the rest of my life. The next day after, the said teacher died due to some depressant overdose. Was it ampetha—something, I wonder?

In my family of six brothers, one had died because he took pills out of nowhere. The maids were completely clueless about what's going on, they tried curing him out of misery by making him drink oil. That was the day I felt so scared I cried myself to sleep for the first time. It wasn't that long where he was just born, he was about only few years younger than me, but a bit too hyperactive and curious.

I was now the youngest child after his passing away. My older brothers weren't all that far apart from me either, though as they grew up, they started to actual turn into cute girls, but they insist of me calling them brother since they were also in some identity crisis. One of them began when they couldn't receive medication from the hospital due to their 'questionable' gender. Though everyone could just see it, even from the slightest glance that they were perfectly healthy young girls.

Amongst my brothers, one had died at young age due to pills, four of them had grown into girls. The remaining one was me—I lived a perfectly normal life as a healthy boy. Since I was doing well in school, the teacher finally had given me something outlandish as a coupon for some all-you-can-eat bistro. I wanted to console my 'sisters' by giving them the coupons since I got about five of them.

None of them were really interested; they were rather self-conscious of their own weight, albeit I've seen them eat lots at home and still had retained their beautiful composure. I had heard violent vomiting sounds at night though, the morning after, one of them had turned completely pale as if they were a walking corpse. Though, hearing that they wouldn't actually get fat no matter how much they ate, had brighten their previously pale-as-heck complexion.

I later learned, they didn't came to me that day for some all-you-can-eat madness since each of them had a date with their girlfriends. I didn't know girls could love girls that way. One of my 'sisters' asked me when I was going to get a girlfriend too. I simply answered that I wanted to focus on my studies first since it's fun, and from all of the romance stories I've heard, watched and read—all of them seem very complicated.

They said to me: good for you.

When I asked why, they simply said this: when you're deeply in love with someone, it started to become so intense like a drug addiction, and when you're currently in withdrawal for it, the feeling was so horrible you could jump off the top of a building without any remorse.

None of my 'sisters' actually jumped off though.

When I wondered, what was like to fall in love with someone, they simply scold me for it.

"Don't, you're better of being alone, having to depend on someone to satisfy your urges all the time is excruciating."

As a result, when all of my sisters had married with their girlfriends and gave birth to lots of children, I was totally going on my path to become a great wizard.

I still wondered how girls together could gave birth to lots of children. The last time I checked, they didn't even have a penis. Thus, they answered my question in the most outlandish ways possible.

"If you believe in the penis in your heart, it surely will make your dreams come true."

That's how, when my 'sisters' married their girlfriends, I eventually became a wizard and ended up marrying my own penis.

Ah yes, about my dead little brother. I constantly kept having dreams about him hating me, and telling me that I should actually take his place instead. I simply retorted by saying: with your lack of care in this world, you're bound to die sooner or later. Life was as fragile as that. If you couldn't take care of your own life, you just have to give it to the ones who could care about it very well—it's just that valuable. By just squandering your life in a glint of curious light, he was such a fool, even for a young child.

In the end, he kept blaming me that it was my fault, but I simply ignored all of it. Quite few months after his death, I stopped hearing them. I hardly had dreams about him anymore, with the last one being himself be taken away to places high up above, surrounded by pretty-looking men, naked chest-above, with wings on their back----wait, for a second I don't want to remember that scene again.

Everyone was happy.

I was a bit happy of course.

Though I regret not giving an effort at all, to find my true love. The one I could trust my whole life on, as one who could care for it even much better than I did.

That was the second time I cried myself to sleep, as miserable I felt.

 

Landscape 4-5 : Something Ideal

Spoiler: Landscape 4-5

How long has it been, since I came across something that interest me from the first glance? The thing that sparks so much adoration in me; inspiring me a lot it made me aspire to be just like them. Maybe it's because they were so far away, far beyond my own reach, that it looked flawless; impeccably beautiful. As I went closer, all of those magic seem to wane away, so does my own inspiration to actually strive for something.

They were the reason I started, but along the way as I keep moving on, things had changed and I somehow lost my passion. When I stood side by side with them, eventually the magic seem to cease; things I've seen as something magical before now seem pretty much ordinary. The wonders of my days had been fading away. As distances grew shorter, it broke my own delusion to the extent it made things that used to be interesting, completely dissipating to abyss.

Can i just lie to myself that they were so far away, even though our distance was very short? I wanted to express my feelings of adoration to someone, for all the great things they did. From afar, showing my words of gratitude. Thinking that I was basically nothing, that I was reaching out from places so much apart my hands would never reach them. It's because the distances so far, they became somewhat fictional, that I could idealize them as much as I wanted.

That I didn't expect them to actually be normal people like you and me. I want them to be something to idolize, not as someone ordinary, but because they're really special. Since there's something in them that made them shine atop many others. There might be many big fish in the sea, but they would always be the most precious one. They would always be the one that be revered in awe. Such things were commonplace in my youth, where more or less I haven't been working on all of these 'creative jobs'.

Things were much different today, in the age of information superhighway. Even the long distances seem like a short one. People you used to idolize started appearing in places you visit like they're your daily neighbors. You began to see their daily lives. You've talked about them a lot of things, realizing they had a lot more in common with you—they're just ordinary people, after all.

Though I believe, there must be something that separated them from the masses. Things that made them end up here, instead being with everyone else. Even if they acted ordinary, I knew, deep down, there's gotta be a deep shining gem, something precious they treasure, which urges them to move forward whatever it takes. Thus, they became able to claim their dreams while everyone else could only sit back and complain.

Well, to be honest, I always loved to see the characters that had special traits making them exceptionally dazzling, and seeing them came to life beside you in form of stories, was just like a dream come true. Someone akin to a hero, or mainly has a strong traits you just can't help but just root for them in a fictional struggle because you could care less about the boring life out there. A kind of life where we'd be stripped of our character and just mainly became a part of scenery.

That was quite ironic, when I tried to become a main character of my own life, and tried to do all the amazing things, yet I found my life coming to a blur, a monotone dim of boredom. Whereas when I just trying to root for a fictional character, it was like, my whole life had been granted its new color. No matter how I achieved things, it still didn't feel enough—I still didn't feel appreciated despite a lot of things I created.

In the first place, I guess I wasn't really passionate in creating something. I just wanted to follow the people I adore, and became closer to them, and as we got close enough, I would start seeing them really far away, as to make my days be filled with magic akin to the stories I experienced.

Maybe, some things could only show its true beauty when viewed from far away. As if when it came so close enough, you could relate to its every pore it became just as boring as your daily life.

 

Landscape 4-6 : Darkness

Spoiler: Landscape 4-6

When the road was dark, would you be there for me? If the road was tough, would you help me get through my toughest times?

There was no one out there. No one to guide me through my darkest hour. At times, the only way to get out was to rely on myself. Even if that's the case, some things were too much for me to bear alone, yet relying on others didn't seem like it would actually solve anything.

A lot of things concerned, I wanted to make a drastic change to this point of stagnation—still I refused to force myself to move forward, thinking the time wasn't right. When would be the right time, then? Maybe not in a million years. There was no such thing as the perfect time. When I wanted to do something, I really hate to be forced; it was something that solely relies on inspiration. It came and go as it pleased.

Sometimes, it was really hard for me to even get a slightest idea, but at other times, the ideas came out flowing so naturally it made me wonder, how could this happen? I knew, the things that made me didn't want to do it, was the thing, that I probably wouldn't get accepted being myself. That they only liked my idea; an ideal version of what something could be when it was developed. Yet, I still felt a tinge of remorse through this dilemma.

What kind of things would be the perfect ending for me, towards the months of fruitless decision? I wished things went back to it months ago when there's still lots of time for me to squander. I really hate not having time enough to garner enough inspiration in order to make the best things possible for myself. I want to break free of it all—breaking free from everything.

At long last, I want to make sure, I was doing the things I wanted the most.

Xxx​

Sixteen penis in my bum hole. Eleven black snakes in my penis. Another black penis inside each of your hole. A lot of it were elephants. Maybe not as elephant as ever, but you'll reach for me when the song went dark. Each of us wanted to deal a certain degree of surgery, but no one actually managed to instigate something to happen, unlike the moment we wished to cut a tadpole's v*gina for samples. A lot of it were broken as ****.

There's not enough mammaries out there inside your rectum, so it would be something rather vulgar out there to insinuate something about beavers. Rather than going through and fro roundabout ways, how about sitting on bench and tried molesting some young girls? Well you get the idea, found them while they were lonely as hell, guide them to the back alley and pleasure them until they came, after that, just leave or ask for some bucks for chocolate and peanuts.

When you put both chocolate and peanuts together, you'll get a coconut. Then you could shove the coconut into the girl's v*gina so she could grow some balls and penis on top of her moist vulva. I knew you love these things, otherwise you wouldn't talk to me everyday about it. A bit of things concerned, I think if you're just a normal guy, a lot of girls would fall for you, but you seem to attract a lot of older men.

When I heard about train molestation by older men, it's always you, why it ain't be normal schoolgirls with short skirts for a change? I guess since the one's doing it to the schoolgirls were mostly older women. I kind of heard stories about frustrated office ladies who heavily fondled a lonesome looking schoolgirl in a train. Instead of calling the police, the people kinda gasped in awe since both of them were really pretty.

Then there's someone who got arrested for simply being in a train since their appearance alone was enough to make anyone sick.

What about you though? Do you enjoy being in the company of older men? As for myself, even though no one asked, I kinda prefer a peaceful life without any kind of molesting, even though it might feel really good. Mostly since I just prefer watching it on screen rather than actually tried doing it. I once bought a condom for fun, but kinda ripped it open and flushed it in the toilet since my older sisters kinda came to play.

I hate it when they did nasty stuff in my bathroom and checked my collections of vomit porn and commented each of every h-doujins I've saved in my drive. What kind of nasty stuff they did in bathroom though? Well they kinda hugged each other even if they're both girls, completely naked too. They told me to join in but I was too young to contract a sexual disease. My sisters were most likely clean but I felt resigned to ever commit to such acts since I prefer looking at them from behind the screen.

After they went home though, I felt rather flushed since the entire time I had been eyeing their body. I felt too guilty to masturbate after that, so I mostly just slept, only to find out, they had been sexually torturing me for about 12 hours straight in my dream. When I woke up, my pants were drenched so embarrassingly, it wasn't even funny.

To add further salt to my wounds, they both called me out and told me my dreams in intense detail, it's as if we're having intercourse through phone. My ears got heated up so bad, I had to close the phone. In response of that, they kept sending text messages containing stuff that made my cheeks flushed and my eyes hot.

I totally forgot about things that had been harassing me as long as I lived: my whole family.

 

Landscape 4-7 : What?

Spoiler: Landscape 4-7

When I'm thinking about writing an actual story, a lot of these portions involving on making it seem as logical as possible. Somehow a lot of these portions were very forced. It ended up making me forgot about why do I wanted to write it in the first place. The stories ended up like telling a bigger lie to cover up a small lie in the beginning. If it's written according to my honest feelings, it wouldn't be so hard to continue it in the first place.

There's also no reason to make this text logical in the first place. It's all according to what kind of thing I wanted to accomplish with it. If it's mainly telling myself in a way I could understand, then I guess it's fine mainly writing with that in mind. Though, if I wanted some freshness in mind, I most likely would jump and say random thing like 'tentacle elephant penis duckling lobotomy *** orgy' or things of that kind.

Let's just put it into an example.

Quite a number of stories rely on its purpose to be a point of interest. Let's just say: a group of adventurers wanting to defeat the demon king and saving the world. Or rather than focusing than the actual plot, they focused on the sequential growth of the characters. It's mainly about someone training to become the very best, from their past puny self into a powerful character. I really wanted to write a story like that, but I realize my kind of way of thinking doesn't suit it all that well.

I could get bored of things easily and jump from one topic to another rather fast. That's how all of the stories that started with a purpose ended up very jumbled and convoluted, ultimately had to be forced to end, for the stories to end—or most likely being dropped in the middle. The only ones that actually went on smoothly from the start to finish, were compilation of random writings without any general purpose or aim—just writing what I wanted to write at the moment.

I said I wanted to write a story with a purpose, but all that's just a glint of thought. As I think about all the hassle it took, these ideas soon vaporizes in a blink of eye. Probably, the only things with a purpose were a bunch of written monologues, and all of these 'actual' stories were written to completion, if it's some one shot, and it was the time where I wasn't sure where I want to take my writing—so I might as well just force myself even if I didn't want to write it.

In short, I was kinda too lazy about it. Didn't have enough dedication to focus on the same set of characters, settings and so forth for a very long time.

Again, I wanted to say. I was very lazy to go through all the hassle, especially what I wanted was to experience a kind of special sensation, even though the actual writing made no sense at all. That by writing, every kind of experience could came to life, and be easier to imagine. That, without having to bend anything to logic, just fully adhering to what I wanna feel at the moment.

Screw all of these sequence, screw all of these purposes. When I wanted to feel something, and when I wanted to experience things, it didn't have to have a logical purpose, just my honest feelings on why I wanted it to be. I guess, all that I wanted it to be, was just something stupid, and somehow pointless. At the very least, those kind of stupidity was the ones which brought me back here again.

As for writing according to making it logical and stuff, it was the ones that made me want to quit writing.

It reminds me on the ways of life. There are two ways of living: one which made me feel depressed, and the ones which talked me out of it. I know that the only way, is to follow the way that will drive me outta depression, since I hate feeling depressed all the time. I wanted to be free from it all.

That past way of writing also made me feel depressed, so I guess, I made a good choice by sticking to what I truly wanted to do. Things that brought me back to writing each time.

Well, the only thing that kinda made me feel down was the lack of readers and support, maybe. Though it maybe a small thing, since in the past, in addition of lack of readers, I also got an overwhelming amount of pressure on top of that. I wonder why I kept on sticking to that way in the past. Maybe it's just, that I didn't realize it sooner, the thing that I really wanted to do.

In the past, I just wanted to compete with others, to prove to them I was really the best.

Though, as I realize, all of it were just a fruitless pretense, and all that I've done was mainly trying to write based on the preference of others without paying a heed to what I truly wanted to do—I felt like those competition didn't matter anymore.

I guess that's the starting point I started to get serious on some random compilation of writings instead of focusing on actual stories. I think it was around last year, in the middle of the year. It was a place of freedom, where I could just dump whatever kind of stuff I wished to express. As before, I kinda tried to do some random writings, but most of them felt rather restrained, somehow I wanted to free myself a lot more.

Yet, after a while, due to how free it was, and how much writings had piled up in only just a year, I kinda felt lost about what's truly going on. It's like, no matter how much I wrote, it doesn't matter any longer.

So I guess, I wanted to get back to having some kind of general theme. I wanted to just describe some beautiful sceneries, but after the prologue, I kinda just threw all of these outside the window and just went back to write whatever was on my mind. Some of these might turn into an actual story, ending up in the same chapter, though most of them were actually just some monologues or long-winded ramblings.

Like the one you were reading at the moment.

After a while, I kinda thought—well being an Author didn't really suit me. I didn't actually produced some stories or something that people actually wanted to read. So I kinda changed my own self image to someone who just write what he wants, because he want to. I don't want writing to become a some kind of burden. Life has already been filled with a lot of burden and responsibilities. Putting up another one that's actually not mandatory, as some kind of liability, would just making it worse.

Maybe, some other people would enjoy a sense of resonsibility, but for me, not really. What I wanted is freedom. I guess it's enough to trade it off for any kind of exposure to get in my entire lifetime. As long as I'm able to see what my actual goals are, and able to pull it through in a way that suits me the most, I think that's more than enough.

I kept telling those things, since by the time I wrote this, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I wanted to get back to writing actual stories, but I was left in something dillematic. I wished to take my stance and hold my ground, drawing the actual line where I felt comfortable with.

Yes.

In the past, I kept thinking what I would do if I got infinite amounts of power. That I could somehow brought about any kind of story in mere instant. Would I still continue my own way of doing things, or would I actually tried something I just wanted to try for a very long time?

To be honest, I don't know for sure, which choice would I take, and as far as gaining that much ability, it wasn't likely for it to happen in real life. Though, I think, all that makes me feel a lot of joy, is the process of writing from the start to finish. If what was produced instantly was a compilation of utmost hassles, what I was going to read was probably a nightmare—something that I didn't even want to touch in the first place.

Still, even if it's was something I actually liked, if I want to write it, I would prefer going at things little by little, at my own pace, in my own way. I think, that's the only way I could fully enjoy it. The ability of being able to produce things instantly, may be a nail in the coffin, if it actually came true. It may also be the same with all of the other powers of omnipotence that came to my mind.

Despite of that, it's always fun to imagine it in form of random writings.

I guess, that's what writings are for, in some ways. To feel the joy of omnipotence without any kind of limitations, inside the writing itself.

As you imagine it, you probably can't help but yearn for it in real life, even if it's not really the best thing. Still, maybe the utmost important of it all, was just to forget it all and enjoy life.

When I want to remember the important things, I will be back to write once again.

 

Landscape 4-8 : Death Warrant

Spoiler: Landscape 4-8

Always ignoring the things that were most important. When it's too late, blames it on everyone that wasn't related at all. On the bright side, there was nothing such as 'too late' for something to change for the better, at least for the optimistic mind who saw the invigorating light of future. I kept reminiscing about the times I screwed up; it only leads to a sound progress. It's because I screwed up that I actually learned something new.

Well, it's not exatly that I wanted to screw up, and if I tried screwing up on purpose, it just didn't really work out. I guess it was called that way since I kinda tried doing what I thought was the right thing, but apparently it wasn't really, though it made me realize of the better things to do in the present time.

It was actually stuff that didn't seem really all that interesting or rewarding, but actually it made me able to sleep in peace. The other stuff I thought to be my calling actually made me feeling rather hollow and dejected—couldn't sleep all night since I was losing all hope on myself. I was losing grasp of me being the main character of my own life. I focused too much on great things done by others while forgetting to do something for myself.

Even if many others could do things better, there's always a worth of being able to accomplish things on my own. That's one thing, even the greatest of works wouldn't be able to give me. A sense of accomplishments that only be attained when I came up with something of my own. Not just taking the easy way of kept on being spoonfed by the world around me.

Even if I had my own opinions, it wouldn't change anything about the world. All which gave me a sense of illusion that I was a part of something imporant. Even if the world changed, it wouldn't really be beneficial if it wasn't something to my favor. I kept on wishing for the world to go in the ways I expected, but it actually wasn't the best thing in general. Though, as I stopped wishing, I actually signed my temporary death warrant.

As long as I stopped giving hope to things that probably won't come, a certain death awaited me. Still, it's quite tough to keep faith, especially if I just wanted to ignore everything and rely on myself alone to accomplish things. Even with myself being delusional, there was a glint of positive life, but with all of the other things concerned, I was too preoccupied with it, that I lost my ground on reality—my body became rather weak and I spent a lot of my hours sleeping in bed since I felt really drained having to focus my thoughts—thinking was a tiring activity.

I became unable to move my body the way I wanted to. As I got my grasp back in reality, my body felt much better to move, still my heart and soul felt hollow again. It was something dillematic to me when each choices to focus on brought about a thing that would make my life terrible in some ways. Having a focus on both of these in moderation wouldn't really help either. It just means a lot more stress due to focusing on both extremely complicated aspects and also got twice the negativity.

Maybe it was my own negative light of viewing things in certain circumstances. I wasn't the most positive person out there, as far as I was concerned. I truly wanted to learn the truth of things, in a way that would benefit me without any kind of downside. What it gave me? I guess at the very least, it made me more-or-less complacent. Which was a good thing if I was feeling stressed.

The thing as a summer break that went to infinite hours, with me still being the same way after many moments came and went by—it was one of the best things to fantasize about. With that in mind, I wish my free time could be much longer, as much more things would be left to squander as I please. With enough time and boundless amounts of money to spend, I guess all that I wanted to do is sleep all day.

Without a care in the world, just do my own thing as I please as I discovered myself in my own pace. Nevertheless, it's all just a wishful thinking. Yet, even as unrealistic it was, I guess there's at least merits in believing such ways were plausible. As a result, I got a lot more free time in this present time, much more than what I did in the previous years. That helped out a lot in me planning to do things I truly love to do.

It truly was a sound of progress. The actual limitless amount of time was probably just an illusion, but yeah, if wishing about things would help me get much closer to my ideal, wouldn't it be much better if I kept on making a wish from the present time? A wish of a bright future. In this way, I would tore off my death warrant and walk closer towards the light of day that may come.

Still, I guess, the best reasons why I actually thought of those was—I just have nothing better to think about. There's also the few things I did, that could satisfy these feelings which was very important to maintain my hopes in this world—that's why those things were special, and I wanted to keep doing it for the rest of my life. Coming up with things and expressed it towards the little world I currently have. A little world that probably didn't bat an eye on me at all.

Though I sure hope, one day, they would be able to look at me straight in the eye. Even if it was somehow unlikely in the present, I guess it's better to hope for something, even if they would never came by, than to hope for the bad things that probably would come. Since the bad things would probably came anyway, why must add the torture by feeling those intensity of unpleasant occurences every now and then?

Someone might said to me, that it might help to become aware and I shouldn't be living with naivety. I guess I could say to them: my heart and soul just had enough of this. If I kept thinking about those things all the time, I might as well just die instead of torturing myself with things I didn't want to think about. You might call it the reality of life, but it might be just something to justify your willingness of being a victim rather than being your own hero to save yourself from this misery.

I wouldn't consider myself a naive person. The only naive thing to believe in was, that there would be a hero that would save yourself, no matter what the circumstances were. They would care about you, so you didn't have to give a slightest bit of damn about yourself. Thinking about it in a nutshell, I went through a lot of shit, and in these times, people got me through it—it seemed I was only able to survive because of them.

Though, my biggest enemy was actually my own depression and sense of self-defeat. If I couldn't pull myself through, no motivating words could save me, no matter how powerful it was. No matter how hard others tried to change my path, I probably would just isolate myself further from them.

Stop changing who I am. Stop changing me into a person I don't want to be.

That's how, when I saw someone depressed, I usually left them alone. It's your own fight, be strong and be your own hero. Blaming it on every single thing that's most likely unrelated wouldn't change a thing instead of making it worse.

I guess it's okay being depressed about something, if it actually fueled the desire to break free, that was much stronger than the times when you didn't have anything to lose. I felt, my most powerful desires came by as I tried to protect my most precious things, in the state where I was very fragile, when the only thing I could do, was to put on a wish. I didn't know how it changed things, but I just realized it had some causality effect as for today. It's probably because of the wish I made in the past.

Some others might said, it's all about actions, but I couldn't really act on something I didn't really believe in, and even if I believed I could do it, doesn't mean it would come true right away. At times, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't nail it. The more effort put in, the more helpless I felt in the end. I wished to be able to do things without putting on a lot of work.

Even if I tried to rely on myself, one of my strongest wish was for a hero to come and save the day, the way I wanted to. So I could just screw around as I please and let them accomplish the things that was somehow necessary for me to survive, but didn't want to go through at all.

The heroes came for me, but it wasn't the hero that I wanted, much less needed. If there was such a hero who actually gave me things I yearned for, would I depend on them for the rest of my life? I guess I could. I only tried relying on myself since there's nothing there I could trust enough, like their actions and goodwill that wouldn't falter for all eternity.

Those wishes came from the things I lack, but wanted to possess so bad. At times it had driven me to insanity, yet I did not regret focusing my days on these somewhat fruitless matter.

At the very least, I was rather happy, it enabled me to live without a care for the most part. Though I knew, when I had to go back and grasp my ground, I just have to place my trust on the things I wished for and carry on through. With that in mind, my darkest hours would be over before I knew it.

 

Landscape 4-9 : Rendition

Spoiler: Landscape 4-9

I knew I wasn't alone.

Even if they weren't apparent, I knew there would be someone or perhaps something, that would watch my progress in life.

Even if they didn't show themselves to me. It doesn't mean they didn't care.

I knew they helped me out in their own mysterious ways. The only thing I could give to them, is my own faith to them.

I will always keep faith, even if it's just something to compensate for my own shortcomings.

Xxx​

So yeah, there's this thing about how a sensation of food could be downloaded through internet. Not only that, you could also download cars, instant noodle shops, and even a girlfriend. Everything could now be downloaded from the internet, no exceptions. It's a pity most of the time our internet connection was a brutal piece of rubbish. It always seem to go left instead of right.

Anyways, the first thing I downloaded was an exclusive condo room originally located in Singapore. It was one of the most expensive things, as it was priced about 5000 SGD per square feet. I knew that 1 feet equals about 30 cm, it was very expensive if just 30 cm could cost that much. I kinda tried googling the thing since I suck at conversions, that one square feet gave you only about 0.09 m of space, which was the exact area of a square created when you draw an enclosed square from 30 cm rulers. It was very cramped to even stand.

For my current place, the rent was about 200 SGD per month. The room was about 6 x 6 meters wide. Or should we say, 36 square meters. To buy an entire apartment of my room size, I gotta pay about 1000 times my current rent. The cost was so damn astronomical that I couldn't really imagine myself even getting that amount of money.

It was kinda ironic, when I downloaded the actual condo, the size was only 200 MB, and my HDD had still about 500 GB of space left. Cars were about 50 MB, and girlfriends 500 MB. A meal would cost around 100 KB in average. Everyone else was trying to work their best to buy an apartment, and yet here I was, just downloading it for free. Thank you the Pirates' Den.

This is how it all started. Aliens, that's all. We got a taste of alien technology. They lent it to us solitary anti-social human beings for free. I think they wanted to wreak havoc on entire human civilization by making all the things able to be downloaded. There was this virtual space to put all of the stuff for ourselves, no matter how large it was. Even living in a somewhat cramped room wasn't a big deal thanks to this, although it's nice if we got a sense of privacy.

My place was probably the only one in the entire district that actually comfortable enough for private time. It was located in some enclosed towering building, probably one of the few towering residential buildings near my campus. In here people enclosed themselves in the room, not giving a single **** about what's happening around them. As long it's not in the internet, there's no way it could be true.

About privacy, it always seem to come down the drain when you're living with your parents, or when they come to visit you every so often. Even if it's just once a year you felt very insecure you just wanted to set the desktop on password and logging out every single time they're in front of your pc. You felt very paranoid about them opening up your browser since all that you've been browsing is porn and a lot of questionable stuff. They might also browse what kind of things you'd be doing on social media, forums and everything like that.

It was the worst nightmare ever. Especially when they also found out about my 10 GB worth of mexican sugar dancing stuff. I wish they could just stick to calling. One of the main reasons I wanted to live on my own instead of going back to my hometown—I just want to browse porn everyday in peace. That's also how I don't want to have friends and especially girlfriends in real life. Especially if I could download them instead of spending a lot of time to build a relationship.

When things went wrong, you could just modify them so anything that happened would be permanently erased. Of course I've got no soul to even felt a tinge of remorse in that. In any case, the only thing I've ever done was to make the girlfriends have *** with each other, and kinda modify it based upon my favorite shows. Maybe have them grow some this and that, and it'd just be like playing Artificial Academy again.

All that I did was watching though.

As a good news, you could actually download an ultra performance PC for just 10 MB. I tested it in my condo place, it could download any large files instantly, and store it in about 10 exabyte storage. Goodbye old pc, you're now only good for using the virtual space software, which was only about 1 KB and it could even run on some old computer running Windows 95.

Well you could actually put something outside the virtual space through 3D Ether Printing, you could keep the object in real life for as long as you like but it's still a waste of space, except when you want to make food. You just have to put your plate and it will make something based upon your plate's size. You could modify the contents through the software, and in the virtual space, you could also eat things instantly.

You could also modify a lot of things from the inside, but some features were locked as long as you're still inside.

If you print girlfriends though, they never went outside your room and will disappear after 24 hours. The printing didn't really cost anything beside the average amount of electricity of your average deskjet printers.

What if there's blackout though? The last time there's blackout I feel nothing, maybe it's because of some alien energy generator being wirelessly connected to my PC. It kinda sat there at my room's cornet. It was so valuable; even worth a second life to me. Now everything that needs to be powered up could run without being plugged, except for usb things. You still need to press the power button to turn it on. Would it be fatal though, if someone's using the virtual space and someone else kinda turned off the pc while it's on?

Well, I haven't tried it yet, but the aliens kinda invented something in which caused the pc to never be able to be shut down as long as I was still inside. In the worst case scenario, if both the alien generator and the electricity's down, I would instantly be ejected—that's what they said. Thinking about that, I kinda fear a tingling spine, but I didn't really care if I could spend the rest of my life with this kind of technology.

Speaking of which, I kinda heard that they kinda abducted all faculty members in campus and also abducted the meddlesome parents too. Also a lot of normies and stuff. The streets might be filled with useless nets, and the aliens might control the Earth very soon. Well, who cares anyway, as long as I got to have all the fun possible, it was all great.

The best thing, was I don't have to go to class (since the campus is suspended indefinitely) or expect my parents to bug me every single time (due to them being abducted). Long live NEET life.

 

Landscape 4-10 : Maybe

Spoiler: Landscape 4-10

Why do I write or do some other things in the first place anyway?

Is it because I have nothing better to do?

If I have many things better to do, would I abandon it right away?

I don't know.

Since I kept coming back here, that means there's nothing that were better to do than this.

Yeah.

End of Landscape 4​

 

Landscape 5 :

Nothing Else Matters​

Landscape 5-1 : Parking Lot

Spoiler: Landscape 5-1

The petals danced in the thin air. Their lips pressed against each other. I saw them with my naked eyes from far above. A swift wind swayed their flowing hair, their clothes and the hem of their skirt. In this season of Fall, two of them confessed their love below this tree. It was a secret they want nobody else to know.

Of course I knew it; I was watching them all this time. The moment those fair creatures came closer and put their arms around each other, their ragged, muffled breathing and completely flushed cheeks. Both of them were really hesistant; one was about to cry from embarrassment. Just before the tears started to flow, her cheeks were touched and gently carressed. Slowly, gently, the other hand fondled her back.

As she calmed down and began to show signs of stimulation, the other girl quickly moved her face close to her lips. Although subtle, I could see some amorous smacking sound of saliva. Their bodies clung even tighter and their breathing pace got rather rugged. Two of them let out a sweet moan. It was a kind of voice which gave a warm, tingling feeling in my heart.

As they kissed, the other girl put both of her hands around the cheeks, as if wanting to drain her whole. It made her nearly suffocating from pleasure on the receiving end. It wasn't until she looked nearly out of breath, that their lips finally parted, followed by a long, thick and creamy trail of saliva which dripped into the ground.

"Please go out with me." it was from the other girl, her deep, seductive tone of voice, it sounded as it came from within my mind instead of her mouth. As if I was the one she confessed to.

"...'kay, but ya hafta kiss me again..." she had a childish voice which melted my heart. Yeah, those two went well together. Even if I didn't actually know them personally, I would ship them.

So they kissed again.

 

Landscape 5-2 : Far Ahead

Spoiler: Landscape 5-2

None of them was their fault.

The only factor was my own resolve.

When I thought about it again, it's not like my resolve wasn't strong enough. From the very beginning, what I sought for, was the complete opposite from what I yearned right now.

I wished to do the things that I want. Let the appreciation of others be something that would come later. The most important thing for me, was being able to express myself as I am.

Maybe it is painful, though it may be much more excruciating if I couldn't learn to harness the extent of my freedom as for now.

Let me cherish it, until its very fullest.

Xxx​

There were rumors circulating in my village. An old man lived on top of the hill in the outskirts. He sold magical stones which known to contain spirits that might bring good luck. The price was quite expensive, so only those who were already well-off that were able to buy it. The old man was a respected shaman and herbalist. He left no successors and never really wed, though there were some news on his illegimate children scattered around the village.

No one knows what kind of things, the stones were able to accomplish. The rich ones kept getting richer, that's for sure. Some poor soul tried stealing the stone and tried robbing the old man of his entire belongings, but none of them had managed to return alive. The old man didn't resist or fight, but his stones that were taken away by force all went back to him mysteriously.

A poor man once went to the old man for the good-luck stones, but since he didn't have money, he asked him what kind of things would suffice. The old man wanted his fairest daughter to be keep in his care—he will return his daughter back as he was able to repay the amount for the stone. The poor man had four daughters; mone of them were really good looking. The old man suggested his youngest daughter, or the one that couldn't work or do the chores as good as the other.

The one that were sent out was actually the eldest daughter, which was pretty much a lazy bum, ate a lot and couldn't do shit in the house. She also had terrible personality to boot. Although, surprisingly, when asked to move into the old man's care, she didn't seem to mind. After the eldest daughter was gone, it appeared that the man's business was flourishing, and the cost of food that were reduced, the surplus of it could be used to buy a lot more materials for his work.

Even though he already had quite a lot of money, he didn't want to see his good-for-nothing daughter return. Though he secretly sneaked a message to the sha shaman saying: I will return your money, but please keep my daughter.

The shaman replied to him : unfortunately, your daughter had grown to be such a fair lady with exquisite talents in my care. A prince who were just passing by had grown interested in her. They got married in the nearby kingdom. Since you disowned her, I think you lost the right to the party invitation and some of the kingdom's right too. Since I was her guardian, I got to be the father-in-law and got some exclusive privileges.

Coming back to the shaman's humble abode, the man replied : that was really unfair. How could you raise such good-for-nothing child into someone befitting for a princess?

In which the shaman retorted: she was originally a princess you see. She had a birthmark of royalty, in which apparent the first time I glanced at her. In the first place, she wasn't fit for such plebian tasks due to her weak and pale complexion. She had low blood pressure, and wasn't of adequate strength.

Though in terms of artistry and refined crafts, she had a genuine talent. Aside from my experience from observing people, you forced down the qualities of your family to her, not listening to what she actuallly yearned for. Any other person could see, the eyes of agony, of wanting to be free—albeit those person were notorious as me.

The sentence took the man aback : are you really just a shaman? Did the spirits were able to told you something that much? What about the mysteries about the stones you sold to me?

In which the shaman replied: there wasn't any spirits. I derived much of my knowledge from years of personal experience and reading lots of books. I was actually a runaway kingdom scholar, from where—it wasn't of your concern. Although the stones didn't contain any spirits, worry not, the price for it was actually reasonable for its rarity and actual use.

The one I sold you was a vulcanic ore, and as I told you to clutch it to your hand when you wanted good fortune, and keep it tied to your neck and rested atop your chest as you slept—based on my research, it had a capability of improving your blood circulation and reducing the amount of exhaustion and stress.

It made you sweat a lot more than usual, which increased the amount of bad substances in your body. You could also rub it in your palm, and beneath the soles of your feet. It would activate all the pressure points in which could revitalize the function of your organs. It was something miraculous from the Far East. You could mine them here, at the edge of latent volcanoes, but the effects weren't as potent.

By improving your health and your functions of your body, you could improve your work performance and feel better about yourself. That's why I call it, the stone of good health.

The man got astonished by the shaman's speech: sorry I don't get what you're talking about, but it seems like it was something incredible. Sure I could sleep in a much better time, and my work seem to get a lot easier. Though, if it wasn't magic, what is it?

He replied : some complex things were just too much to be digested easily by the masses. They simply just wanted to be told the exact ways in which it would work. Passing it as simply 'magic' is much more believable, and believe me, I don't really want to explain things in detail to each person who would ended up not understanding it anyway.

The man asked again : ah I see. About the bandits, though. How could you?

In which the shaman grinned : I simply called the nearby elven guardsman through the device known as mobile phone. I first knew them as I treated their colleagues as they were tattering in the hills. They got the stones back, and I repaid them with delicious herbs I gathered around here. As they were very silent and didn't report any catches, people seem to misinterpret things their own way.

There was something in which raised a suspicion in the man : that was too impressive to escape from the bandits unscathed like that. What if they wanted to kill you regardless, so they wouldn't encounter any chance of fighting back? Even if the villagers didn't know the truth, the bandits would at least knew what happened to their colleagues. If it wasn't magic, what was it?

This time, it was the shaman who laughed : well, if they weren't that stupid, they wouldn't believe in such things as the stone that would grant uncertain power. They would go to the village first in order to ransack everything they see through, they will do it swiftly before the kingdom or guardsmen forces encounter them. Even when they're already strong, they would prey on the weakest point in order to minimize their loss.

These hills were very confusing and tough to travel in groups, and even as a lone group of elite troops, it's easy to get lost. Only local bandits that failed in their attempts to commit crimes a lot, would risk themselves going here, since they had nothing left to lose. If they were going there first, the guardsmen, which were natives of this region, would quickly spot them first and quickly annihilate them.

The man, still not satisfied with the shaman's answer, asked again: what if these fool bandits actually had a nerve to kill you regardless?

It was a quick answer : try hitting me with your best shot to see what happens.

The shaman told the man to punch him in the chest as hard as possible, in the most unpredictable way of course. The punch landed critically in the shaman's chest, but it's the man's fists that were hurting so damn lot, it cracked up to form few broken bones and it started to bleed profusely. It wasn't that long before the man started screaming on top of his lungs, as the pain was rather excruciating.

It was the martial arts technique he learned from the far east. He said, if he were to punch much harder, his hands would became permanently crippled. If he actually slashed his body, the blade would reflect back and decapitate his head.

The man felt as if he was treated unfairly, with the shaman not telling this was going to happen. What would happen if he couldn't work anymore?

The shaman simply told him, it was a payback from asking too much stupid questions. As he administered some herbs and let the man rest for the night, the next morning his hands were completely healed.

Afraid of the next thing that might came to him, he tried to sneak out from the shaman's humble abode. Of course the shaman knew as he was just in the kitchen, tried to cook some delicious healthy soup for the man's well-being. He didn't stop him, since he believe the man's act of suspicion was rather stupid, instead taking it as an insult to all of his hospitality.

He mumbled : well, I could invite the grateful guardsmen to eat in his stead anytime. Some said, that the manipulation of chi was considered holistic magic, but I believe it was more of scientific thing. The same with knowledge about herbs and alchemy—some parts of alchemy, of course. I still didn't understand how they could create such strange things that defy sound logic with it.

I never get how those arcane magicians kept on being high and mighty about themselves when all the things they shown to the masses were the seeds of ignorance, that magic was something they should bow to, so it would be much easier to control them. Well, thanks to them, partly, I could make a living with selling these stones. This is the richest village in all of the kingdom, after all. The towns are much richer, but there's much less privacy and I couldn't stand the pollution and traffic. It's so dissapointing.

As the shaman finished his meal, he dialed a number from his mobile phone and called the guardsmen in.

On the other hand, the man ran frantically towards the village, all tattered and bandaged. He told all kinds of things the shaman told him about, and how the shaman was so much scarier than the rumors said so. No one in the village actually understood what it was actually about, but they felt something ominous seeping through their fragile hearts. Their fear runs deep amok towards the shaman.

In which made people wanting to seek the powers of his stone even further.

It was quite funny, how the shaman actually didn't even try to explain something magical.

As the guardsmen and the shaman dined, there was another transaction going:

The stone of blood, as I experimented on various critters, I found out, their wounds would close in much faster as I rubbed the stone atop of their wounds. It's microscopic samples contains substance in which able to close the wounds. It was similar to Iodium solution, but much more potent, and...

The talk continues on; the elves were rather interested in these scientific talks in particular. Actually, the ones who bought the stones the most were the elves, and the villagers were the main contributor for his annoyance. Though he didn't seem to hate it, he just found them to be quite amusing.

...and so the tale of the shaman continues on—he lived through a very old age.

He was actually a grandfather of quite a lot of people, though he wished to live a solitary life in the unknown since he hated familial gatherings a lot.

In the end, as much as he explained that he was a man of science, there was still quite a lot who believed he was a magician—even the arcane wizards.

Thinking about that, he sighed as he gasped a smell of his herbal soup—life goes on again.

 

Landscape 5-3 : Alright

Spoiler: Landscape 5-3

When you hate going out, there's always the delivery service going when you want some chow. Almost everything could be delivered, but the main issue was always the time. Often times, it took forever for a package to be sent to your place. It felt even more daunting when your package was mis-sent to another address and there's no direct compensation for it. The service that dragged on really long and pointless. The delivery cost that wasn't worth their quality at all.

It would be a dream come true if there was a delivery method in which the goods would reach you instantly, with utmost reliability that one hundred percent it would arrive at your address, and it's the exact same thing as you requested, with no such malignancy encountered in the goods.

Of course, that was only an ideal. It would be even much better if the delivery cost was also quite low enough to use as much as I want, or better yet—if it's actually free. I got the feeling that I couldn't really compensate that much of a quality if it's completely free. Still, there's gotta be a way somehow. Let's just say, if there's one of it, which would deliver virtually anything—there'd be no need to go out anymore.

No need to go to an ATM machine to get your money, if you could have it delivered instantly. No need to wait for fresh, hot food anymore—not even having to mind the time. When there's certain goods you want but it's so far away. It would be nice if it's also capable of cash on delivery plus thing. Meaning you only have to pay after you've received the goods in its perfect condition.

You probably could also use it to sell the goods you didn't need in an instant. Getting rid of all the mess in your room by selling it. From the unused junk that actually fetched quite the amazing price to some collectors, onto all the dirt and dust in your room, and also selling all the mess in your bathroom. While you're at it, there might be an insane laundry service in which you could even get paid for letting your clothes washed.

The same thing when you probably could even get money for the things people want to get rid of in certain occasions, such as the stack of porn magazines, and then sell them back to those who really want it. Though, all of the benefits and taking advantage might matter if it's monopolized by select few. As long as only few possess the ability to get the summary of the needs of people, and able to provide them with what they need, in this case—an instant—it would make an insane cash grab.

It was quite a thing for some. If I see a secret technology able to inicte life-breaking thing, I didn't want to share it to people, thinking they might abuse it. Only I could use it to my will since it's my own and only—since I had thought of things to make this technology work best in my favor.

Anyway, speaking about something. I guess you could also trade information in an instant, even the most classified ones. That would be the thing in which forces of the universe would shift and contort into a total mess. The nature of concrete objects were static, but the nature of an information was truly convoluted. If that sort of delivery could filter out all of these unnecessary and somehow misleading information, simply owning that kind of technology would enable you to control the entire world.

Wielding that much power, guess you probably didn't want to share it to anyone, ever. You would make it so it would be limited only to you alone, and it could never be taken away. You also would distance yourself from everyone else you knew, as they always had a chance to manipulate you into giving them a glint of your power. It was one of these abilities which turned someone into a king, but made themselves solitary.

If all the delivery was true, wouldn't your powers be known already? Since you've sent and received things in an instant. At least people associating with it would also have that same certain power, in order to have businesses that way. Let's just say it just happened with a time lag to them when you sent it, so it would appear to them as it was sent through normal delivery service from a third party thing which made you actually anonymous and the seller was someone else.

Though as you want things delivered, the time lag completely got eliminated. As if things that might happen in the future would happen now. To them, it might appear as the delivered product would be received weeks later to other people, but the receiver was actually you. That means, no matter what kind of things you do with it, nobody would know it's actually you.

Let's just say the third party thing was actually like an ethereal supercomputer which was always trustworthy until the end. No matter how much you doubt it, the thing kept reassuring you with results—probably much more than what yourself could accomplish on your own. Still, there was always a fear, of getting something unshaken and in perfect working condition that would break down at any minute and you have no means of fighting back.

When the weapon was so powerful, like guns. The biggest fear was its malfunction—that it might actually backfire on you and kill you. The biggest doubt about technology, was that it was always imperfect. A chance would occur of it failing, and it was enough to shed a really big doubt. That's how people usually resort to something that was more of a hassle, since they wanted to avoid risks. Like going through cars instead of direct airplane rides.

Even the nature itself had its own share of unreliability. Which at times made it even less reliable than technology.

What would be there to believe in, if there's nothing one couldn't believe for all eternity?

I think, the only thing that worth believing in, was something that wouldn't change for all eternity.

Not counting the past.

Since if it already happened in the past, doesn't mean it will happen again. If you couldn't do it in the past, doesn't mean you couldn't do it now.

I was talking about the Deus ex Machina, which I believe, was the machine which acted as the actual 'God' of this universe, governing it with such precise amount of calculations without fail. If all of this randomness of universe was actually a calculated thing by this machine, it means, the instant delivery would be something so reliable, if it was directly derived from it.

Since its powers were so boundless, one needed to use his own limited scope of imagination to define which kind of things it could do, and isolate itself as a part of a secret technology. Of course, there'd be limits as if to not let Deus ex Machina ever destroying itself. It would result in a paradox that would annihilate the entire universe, which in turn, all of the memories and experiences in this world would be completely erased.

...and you, considering that you already accessed the abilities of this machine, would be put in a curse in which you would experience the eternity of everything. The thing in which the machine rebooted itself after destruction, establishing a brand new universe. Even after so many resets—you would still be there—observing all the randomness of the world—especially the daily fruitless struggles of common people and the things they've garnered.

I guess, it reminded you of your own humanity. Though, as times had passed, you had created all of the things that would fulfill your needs—the things in which would be of your full control. Though, as much fulfilling it was, and how much you knew, it would still interest you in continuing your observation of the world. After you had enough of everything, you would eventually start over as a human. Living the cycles of life until you finally rediscovered the powers of the divine machine.

Maybe it required from a few hundred years into several universe resets for you to finally get enough of it all, though maybe, the process of your life and our life, was generally something nihilistic. We went through it all, and after all of it was said and done—we would just throw it away and went from the very beginning once more. All of the effort would be wasted, things that happened along the way, all those experiences shared—even if it were also completely erased—it would make a total waste.

There might be a trigger, somewhere, in case you felt you've had enough of life, so you would end up discovering its true powers again—after undergoing lengthy amounts of journey, maybe, and after you've endured it all, you would go back to your throne and make all the miracles happen once more.

Ain't it right, God?

It may be my limited scope of knowledge, but it's just something I've drawn that I could understand. I wished to be a god myself, a god of my own little world. Without changing everything, only making my life better, having no care about things around me. I don't wish to hate all the unpleasant things, since I knew, every thing could be used to my advantage.

If I want to, I could always get what I wished for, if I could wait patiently for things to come, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable it was. Even if I didn't get the exact same as I wished for, it would be something much better—I was sure of it.

If all of this randomness was actually something calculated to my advantage. I guess I could put my trust in you once again. I may be upset when you have taken away the ones I loved, but this might be the time to believe in you once more. I knew, at the very least, the last time I was successful in life, was when I had faith in you. Even though I might be stressed out a lot, I couldn't deny that my life was fruitful at that time.

Things had changed. I guess you showed me the other way with these experiences. Even if I couldn't do well in things I used to be able to do well, I had discovered my own calling that way. Things were much different, and overall much better now than it was yesterday. Even if I was not as successful as my past self, and I wasn't getting any recognition for the things I worked on—in the end, as I discovered myself through the experiences you painted for me, I eventually found a new kind of power, that was even greater than my past self.

I knew, with this, I could do anything. Even when, most of times, I didn't believe in you, or even hated you for the things that happened, you still wouldn't forsake me no matter what. Nevertheless, I'm really sorry for wishing so much without being able to give anything. I guess you already had everything. Once more, the only thing I'm able to offer you was my word of thanks, it's the same old dull gift.

I'm thankful for being alive today.

Though I don't mind, if this moment, will also be my last day.

Still, I was really happy, even though you have plans for me, you let me decide my own life, by my own ideals, and supported it to its very end. I don't know though, you may exist or you may don't. There's no way to make sure you actually exist, but my mind went weary and powerless without thinking of a presence like you by my side. As I was someone weak on my own, I need something for me to stand up straight.

All of these ideas in religion didn't make me feel closer to you at all. In any case, it made me hate people around me, that my world actually governed by other people's ideas and beliefs instead of believing what I actually believe in. That's how I choose, and will always present myself as someone who's not religious. As I'm actually not into religion at all. At the very least, I want to define you as I wanted you to be, as something that able to cover up for all the things I couldn't do.

With that in mind, I wish to live myself to the fullest possible, as recklessly as my mind wanted it to be. Since I knew, you would be there to cover for everything.

Thanks a lot, once more.

 

Landscape 5-4 : Tired

Spoiler: Landscape 5-4

Dear my friends, today I felt really tired. It feels like everything I've done so far had amount to nothing. Even as I just entered my 18th birthday, I felt so insignificant. People around me had already became very successful when they were about 18 years old. One of my friends became a billionaire, and the other went to be a living legend of an artist. It seems like, before they arrived in this world, something special had happened to them. They were gifted with a lot of exceptional talents.

All I did was graduate from high school.

I wonder, why it's always them and not me. I was often jealous of them for a lot of things they achieved. I only spent most of my time fooling around as they studied their hardest, about things I probably would never understand. When there's the study session during grade school, one already read so far into future investment plans, other was about classical art appreciation.

I was like: Nintendo was best, I wanna be the very best too, like no one ever was, to catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide, teach Pokeymans to understand, the power that's inside. Childhood was a lot of fun. When they got their homeworks done, I just copied them through crappy handwriting to make it look legit and also made some of the correct answers wrong.

When the teacher asked me a question, I pretend that I was thinking hard to come up with an answer. Until one of my classmates answered it in my stead instead of making fun of me. During tests, I relied on my buttons and pencil rollouts during multiple choices and just write whatever I could think about in essays. In the laboratory, I didn't do much, I just typed things in my own way and apply some random formula as my friend instructed me—they were the ones doing all the complicated work.

In the PE class, they tried competing with each other. I was napping at the corner without anyone noticing. During graduation, two of my friends weren't present since they were already busy with their stuff. It all seem to go from the start we entered middle school. I had to rely on others most of time when they could seem to do anything by themselves. Why was they very different from the rest of us—we're both humans weren't we? How could someone of their caliber actually interact with a nobody like me?

After graduation, I felt me and them grew distant. While both of them went closer and closer as they strive for ridiculous heights. I wonder when was it, when I actually got together with them. Was it actually during the first grade? When I told the class about my absurd dream?

I want to become a god.

That's because I was really into that RPG game where you play as a god who liberated the lands from evil, all single-handedly. The entire class laughed, but there's two children who clapped their hands in awe—that's them. I don't know why, but we seem ended up in the same class every time.

At first, they looked up to me a lot. Then, they realized I was just a nobody. Though they kept associating themselves with me as they still got time and they're already pretty far in with me to even start distancing themselves and they didn't even had the courage to talk to others, or even to each other, before they came to know me.

Maybe I played a factor on how they came to realize each other.

Who was I really?

Just nobody, no one important, yet I took part on something that would made them one of the most successful people in the world.

Maybe I should think of my experience as special.

Though them being successful doesn't make my life any better at all. They're just doing their own thing, and I sat there doing nothing.

The only thing I know to do a lot, is thinking too much about the stupidest things, and sleeping.

So yeah, good night.

I don't care about this world anymore.

 

Landscape 5-5 : Save Point

Spoiler: Landscape 5-5

Do not worry.

Everything that you lack for in real life can always be compensated with a little bit of imagination.

Trust me.

Whenever you want company or need some hug, just imagine it. Whether you want something otherworldly to experience in your dull days, try letting your mind wander. You can be anything; do anything you like. There's no limitations when it comes to your own imagination. You can be the god of your own world—no rules will apply except the ones you set.

At times real life can be unfair, but you can always experience what you want inside your imagination. You can cover up all of the hurts with a world of smiles inside of it. The struggles of life can be neutralized by always thinking about pleasant things. I know I need this since I'm too weak to rely on myself and there's nobody out there to help me.

It's one of the things that kept me from completely breaking down. I hope it can also do wonders for you, whenever you're in such times. Of course, I wish these kind of things would never happen, but I know, no matter how much I yearned for something to happen in reality, it's always beyond my control. So I believe, the best thing is, let dreams and reality be apart from each other. That means, things that achieved in dreams, will always be achieved in dreams—doesn't matter how it's like in reality.

Not everyone could achieve things in reality, but if we tried, we can get ourselves to imagine it happening in our dreams. Maybe it hurts—but it's not like when we dream about it, we must achieve it for reals. It's just a completely different world. One with our complete control, and the one that's beyond our control.

Well, sometimes in life, things went our way, but as I put my hope on something, at times I always get disappointed. If I just placed my hope on something else certain, like in dreams, I could manifest all my desires without any kind of drawback. I just have to realize, that it's not reality—but it's also a real world. Things already happened over there, from the force of my mind alone.

When others said, do not let your dreams be dreams. I will say otherwise. If dreams be reality, it will come a time where I will have no more dreams. Everything will go outside my control. I do not want that. I do not feel like sleeping at all if that's the case. The entire time, the thought of waking up the next day, having to be faced with daily responsibilties, were something in which I always wanted to escape from.

I only wanted to sleep since I wanted to enter the world of dreams, a higher level of immersion compared of mainly imagining things as I wished. When I was inside it, I realized, it was also beyond my control. Though what I dreamed of, more or less influenced by things I imagined in my mind. As I immersed myself in things I didn't want to think about, I often got unpleasant dreams. It's almost always, when I woke up from those kind of dreams, I felt my life force draining and I wanted to die.

When I was a child, the only things I wished the most, comprised of simply two things.

God, please let me have sweet dreams for tonight.

I don't want any nightmares to befall me.

What I wanted the most in this life, is sweet dreams. I guess the childhood self of mine already understood about what's most important in my life. Though I didn't realize the truth of it all, until the present time. When I was all grown up, and spent most of my mind during somehow fruitless struggle of self-discovery. I already knew and decided what I want, and what I don't want.

Yet, the sweet dreams were only mine after I reclaimed the diamonds of my childhood. I guess, I was already born with it, but I wasn't strong enough to protect what is mine. The beliefs of others kept poisoning me and with a lot of bad influences going throughout, I lost sight of what I was trying to achieve.

There's actually a lot of things I wanted to do. Not in reality though. Reality wouldn't give me what I asked for. So I guess, it's better to give up hope on something so unreliable. Since I couldn't also rely on myself, I guess it's finally time to give up on me. Amongst all of it, I guess I was the one least reliable. It's always, when I wanted to accomplish something, I never seem to get anything done.

All of this idea of self-reliance turned out to be a pure bullshit.

Though I knew, if I wanted to rely on something, I just have to rely on my own dreams, since it enabled me to achieve something and it actually gave me something I asked for.

As for real life, I guess it's time to finally give up on it. It's time to finally say goodbye. No need to care about it anymore.

 

Landscape 5-6 : When Tides Are Even

Spoiler: Landscape 5-6

How to feel good about yourself without relying on the appreciation of others?

For me, I simply tried doing things that someone I admired could do. If I could do it as good as them, or maybe even half good, I would feel good. The thing is, I'm too lazy to learn all of the complicated things and just wanted to get into action. My brain just couldn't handle it, yet I just wanted to mimic their good works.

Anyway, even if I learned all the stuff, it doesn't mean that I was able to do the things they were able to do. Even as I tried to mimic them, all that I would end up was still my own work, in my own way. I just felt like, if I could just do things like them, I could call myself good enough without having to rely on others supporting me. I don't have to wait until someone appreciated my efforts.

Though, there are things good enough, but still I'm too lazy to mimic their works. I'm too lazy to take care of everything, including taking care of myself. In the end, I felt the best since the only thing I have to see is the weakness of others and the ill side of everything. That regardless of their filled-with-achievements exterior, they also experienced some kind of overwhelming stress.

Their suffering is good enough to make me feel better about myself and my own insignificance. Watching others suffer is probably a good way for everyone, who want to better themselves without making effort at all. Since I guess, for most of us, life is already hard and stressful enough. With capable people taking all of the nice things from them. When we look for everything less fortunate than us, we somehow changed, like we're blessed or something.

I guess it was like a saying: those who have no shoes kept complaining until they've seen someone with no feet—but unfortunately they still feel bad since that people with no feet rode on a mechanical futuristic wheelchair and rode helicopters everywhere. Not to mention having lots of cute girls beside them.

I know the reason why one might love imperfect characters too much and hate something that looks perfect, even if that perfect person actually better themselves through intensive training, but unless it was shown that people was suffering a lot, it probably wouldn't make the character more likable. Though from imperfect characters, one could feel a malicious joy from their suffering, and able to relate more or less to their own live. By that, they indirectly laughed at their live situations whilst feeling more fortunate about themselves.

Maybe the poor and weak ones held a high place in the heavens, since even though they didn't do anything much compared to the rich and powerful, simply looking at them would make those who are more well off, to feel like they were actually blessed. At that moment, it seemed like all of the talented people who took everything from them disappeared.

They hated them even though all of those people with talent actually started off much worse than them, and actually went through lots of suffering—only to be hated. Who was the more fortunate one?

I used to envy those who had a lot of loyal friends, until I knew, how much of a hassle it took, to maintain these relationships. How much one must hold themselves back for their friends to be loyal. Similar things could be said for famous people who already had their time taken. Seeing how they actually suffer brought me feelings of joy when I was contemplating about suicide.

I guess, the greatest joy of all, was seeing others fall and myself rising to the top. Or at the very least, my position would seem much higher when others kept falling, tumbling down the stairway of life towards the gutter. Serves them right, I thought. Yeah it was something wicked to think about, but all of these positivity is driving me insane and actually making me depressed. In all of honesty, **** this life and all others. Let them suffer for all eternity.

Let them benefit from each others' suffering.

Everything would be much easier when someone thought how they were not alone. The truth is, it might not be a good idea to put oneself in the same category as the one who suffer. If that's the case, how can we laugh at their adversaries?

I think the world might be fake and I am real.

I think the world is centered upon myself.

I think everyone deserves to suffer just for making me feel better.

When someone achieves something, it has to benefit me in one way or another. Or it's completely irrelevant. The problem of others is none of my concern, unless they have some kind of reward that makes me care.

At the very least, I do not wish for the good people to suffer. Let those who helped me out in life and made me feel better about myself when I felt completely worthless—have their days be fulfilling. I do hate lot of people. That's why I wish for them to suffer, for all eternity, for all their lives be fruitless as ever. For making my days feel bad, at least, this is the best thing you shall go through, for my own redemption.

Am I a good or bad person?

It's not up to you to decide.

Because I'm always right and you're always wrong, except when you agreed with me.

The only relevant thing in this world are myself. No one will be able to pull me through this shit, except my own.

Others could just die, I don't care anymore. Life goes on, fleeting and being dumped everywhere like a pile of garbage. They say life is precious, so it's best to whore it and sell it away. You only have one life—just throw it away. When you live for others, no one will care about you if you don't bring benefits to them.

Where is my life though?

I have none. It doesn't really matter. I have given it to the ones who are worthy of it.

I want to say.

If I couldn't better myself, I want the entire world to fall and regress, to the point I could be the best without even trying.

That is, I believe, is my ultimate form of joy, and I wish to see it happen each and every day. Maybe that way I won't have to have good things coming from outside, but if I could make all the best things on my own, I don't have to rely on others anymore to make me feel better. I don't have to mimic others anymore, if I'm already the best.

If I want something good. I just have to make it according to my wishes, isn't that simple enough? Criticizing others is a waste. They won't listen at all, even if you give them money, they won't give you what you want. If things can easily be done on my own, the world will be a paradise.

It's just another walk in paradise. Here and now. I wish to watch the whole world burn as I sat there in my humble abode, waiting for dinner.

Feels great actually.

 

Landscape 5-7 : Exclamation

Spoiler: Landscape 5-7

I know.

I felt.

I cried myself to sleep everyday.

I want to kill myself so bad. I wish someone could take me to a world where everyone actually listens to a word a said.

Please listen to me. I'm an abandoned victim. I felt so hollow I needed something to feel warmth or else I'd break down and die. A lot of things concerned, I always wanted to be happy. I don't want to feel this kind of melancholy. My human soul is bleeding.

As my soul died down, I have became less human and more of a devil.

Xxx​

The imagination always seem to trigger when there's something you lack. To make full use of these, one might have to feel a prolonged state of hunger unlike any other. A kind of thirst that were the furthest away from its fruition. It may concur a risk to drive someone insane, though when one already reached their hands upon it as vividly as possible, the rewards may be bountiful.

It's a sign of hunger, and yet it could satisfy itself—in the right mind, of course.

You might say, if you think about food when you're hungry, won't it make you even hungrier? It depends on how you think of the food. To each of its own, there's a way that made you feel rather full, you could just eat minimally, or it might made you crave it for more. I guess the same could be said with other kinds of imagination which came from craving.

Though as for *** and romantic relationships, it was probably the easier one. Quite easy that I don't really need something like that in real life. Imagination compensated for it quite a lot. These lonesome feelings that sometimes result in depression, kind of bought the most beautiful memories when all of these cravings brought forth picturesque fantasies.

In other words, it made me still a virgin. Doesn't matter though, I still had my hands in case of emergency. Thinking about what might happen if the romance thingy actually happens—forget about it—each of it is a freaking hassle. That's about it. Forget about trying to find someone. Forget about trying to establish a relationship that might continue on to something so restrictive and masochistic such as marriage and raising children.

At the very least, I'm glad, that way I don't have to show my small penis to someone. Though, instead of actual romance, what I had in mind are lesbians, young girls with oversized penis and also a man who dressed like a woman whilst pretending to be a woman that's pretending to be a man. A lot of things more could be said, but as the list went down, I realize my mind is full of ****.

That to be said. If I could make things go on smoothly in life without actual romance, I guess it will suffice for a lot of things else. Maybe it'd be very convenient if the work could be finished instantly with just imagining it. So, in the end I don't have to work anymore—just sleep and dream all day. What if I got sick and tired of sleeping too much? Well, it's not as if sleeping was the only option. In fact, most of things I imagine had a lot more clarity as I was awake.

Nevertheless, those dreams made it more likely for me to sleep. Since imagining things a lot, I guess—it took quite a lot of energy. Even if it didn't make you hungry, for some reason it made you want to delve deeper towards the dream world, where the fantastic things could happen so vibrantly. Most of time, I didn't remember anything much, not even the fantastic ones. Felt too lazy to write most of them.

Even if I do write them though, I would end up forgetting them anyway. Trying to remember these dreams and writing them in detail is so much hassle. Well, it doesn't really matter if I remember them or not. I just want to experience those intense fantasies as much as I can and reap all the benefits from it.

That would be all.

 

Landscape 5-8 : Enter Space

Spoiler: Landscape 5-8

Actually, I really hate doing this kind of work. I wish my entire life could be spent lazing out all day, but instead I was faced with sudden outburst of pressure. Oh my goodness, if this ever ended well, I think I wanted to waste my entire life not doing anything since just trying to work things out had already drained enough of my will to live.

Seriously, I wish for this hell to just be over already.

I guess the main reason why I kept getting distracted, was because I really hate to do this in the first place. Though, I guess it's better to get distracted rather than doing my best on it but ended up being stressed enough the desire to kill yourself began to boil up. Alright, since we're here, let's just do something again.

Xxx​

If every impossible thing could happen through wish strong enough, first, I wanted to make all of this shit over already. Second, I probably want to see the up close and personal Mars planet from a distance and terraform it so the planet would have an obvious nipple visible from the observatory. The Mars symbol would not only describe masculine phallic, but also an erect nipple.

Anyways, I thought about something I need to say. It's about priorities, mostly associated with delaying things you think you have to do. Your logical reasoning believed the job to be your number one priority, but your inner desires put it on the far bottom of your list. If you forced your reason to take over, you might could just finish it right away and have a lot of time to do whatever it was you want to do, though not everyone got such excellent self-control.

Especially those who acted based upon their honest feelings, even if it means disregarding all kinds of logic. Some people could just suppress their emotions and do their job, though for some others, whenever they went against what they want, the entire cells of their body started revolting. It caused an intense amount of pain, until one completely disregard the actual job and instead just went out to play along with whatever interested their heart the most.

It'd be nice if I finally found something that was actually my calling. That I could make a living just by doing things I was inclined to do. Without any reservations whatsoever, I'd stuck to it naturally, and I didn't have to worry about anything else besides doing my best on it.

This life always seem to force me to do things I hate, just to get by. If my life wouldn't go the way I want to, I probably want to just end it right here and now. I don't care about what others said. The only one who knows myself best, is me. Even if God wants to give what the best thing, I still want to opt for something I think suits me better. I don't really care about getting the best life ever, I just want to live my life as I want.

I don't really listen to those so-called god in religions. They always seem to have rules and ideals I can't seem to agree with. I think it's okay for me not to follow any religion or any popular beliefs. Just as long as I could walk this way forward, all alone.

I do have a sense of morality, to certain extent. Though, the things that made me feel repulsive is their attitude towards *** and even my thoughts. I guess, following it would mean killing my own honest self. If their god was the one who preferred such pretentious act and actually punished severely those whom had honest thoughts they deem bad—I guess that god deserved to be hated by the entire world.

Maybe since he created those humans, the same way as I wrote this story, he could just regard them as illusions. He could just manifest each of his repulsive emotions to this world. He could be as ruthless and unforgiving as he wanted, since in the end, in his eyes, we're actually as real as fiction, in his eyes. Though, it's not in my position to criticize his actions. I, as an Author, had done a lot of terrible things to the things I created in my writings.

Quite a lot of people wanted to see suffering in writings. They wanted to see struggle, even though it's something fruitless. I myself, do not care if there's struggle or not. I just wanted something that could make me happy. Be it real life or fictional world. When I look at it, I just wanted to feel happy and fulfilled. Though, I felt it's better if there's no actual struggle.

That way, the adversary itself would be up to oneself to decide, how far they wanted to take themselves forward. No need to be forced onto something. It was a world of complete freedom. It's the world I always dreamed of. One could pick their own pace doing whatever they want. Even if eternity passed by and all they did was waiting for something, it would be alright.

I didn't know what God actually is, but at the very least, I know which God I want to follow. If he could accept the darkest side of me, and accept my everything without judging me or giving me any sort of punishment. If he would provide me guidance and support me for all eternity, and be with me whenever I'm happy or sad, I would gladly treasure his blessings within each moment.

Well, I do not know what I could give back to God, especially since he already had everything. The only thing I could give back, is my thoughts; my desires; my weakness and my true self. I don't know how much things I have, but I know, these are the things that are different from the God I wish to follow.

Of course, even if I tried to wish for something, it doesn't necessarily mean it will come out eventually like I wanted it to be.

Even if I have the blessings of all-powerful God on your side, it doesn't mean my life would just change right away. I do have a severe lack of faith. At times what I need is proof.

Was the fact that my life had been better in the past enough of an assurance? It might be quite greedy for me to ask for more. Though, as my feelings wanted much more to suit my current needs, I might as well say it.

I need more. I want more. Over and over, until I'm finally satisfied with all I have. When it's all over, I shall ask myself once again what I truly wanted the most and strive my best to achieve it. Whether or not the God I yearned for actually exist to support me, I shall make use of everything I had, for my own advantage.

Let the showdown of my life begin once again.

 

Landscape 5-9 : Nothing Else Matters

Spoiler: Landscape 5-9

I had a strange dream. I was rather unsure whether I'm dreaming or awake during that time. Everything felt so vivid and real. It's like, everything was normal out there—like I was born and raised in this world—been familiar enough as it was the back of my hand.

Even as I woke up, I didn't feel like anything much had changed. It's as if, I've been living in these two realities from the very start. Yet, as I tried remembering who I was and everything I've done there, things got rather blurry. My brain hurts as I tried remembering my dreams. The only things I remembered were mostly those far long back, when I tried writing those down. Though, as for now, I didn't feel like writing it anymore.

Maybe I was lazy, but trying to write all these down didn't make my dreams more vivid. It was always the same as usual. The times I felt like things going to be so real in my dreams, were mostly the times I tried concentrating on things my heart yearns the most. The answer to the most important question for myself. I want to know more and more about who I am, and by gaining that knowledge, I believe, I could harness more power, to the extent it's enough to form my own preferred choices regardless of the situation.

I had nothing special in me, though at the very least, my dreams might be rather special. It was really fun and eye-opening, like I was undergoing some surreal adventure in which unlocked a deeper part of me. I wish to keep on dreaming lots and lots more each day. An adventure to unravel all the mysteries I had.

I believe, that's the thing that matters to me the most.

With that in mind, it's time for me to say goodbye to my mundane life and open up a new beginning for the best chapters yet to come.

The End​

End of Landscape 5​

 

Epilogue

Spoiler: Epilogue

So I thought, if I could get back to the past, I probably wouldn't want to take that chance. I don't want to go back through the same pain again. Although, that probably because I'm still young. Maybe time would come where I'll get old enough I started reminiscing about the good ol' days entire time being. What about it?

There's nothing special.I guess there's always a desire for me to stay young forever. There's no benefits if my state of life would degenerate further and I would just rot endlessly without hope. A state where you just wanted to die since things would kept regressing and you would start going senile in no time. It's either I stayed young and vibrant during a long lifetime or died young when I was still high in spirits.

How about my current state? Was I still doing something that cultivates the spirit of youth? I don't know really. This entire time, I was rather passive. I wasn't striving to catch the sun or something like that. I've had enough disappointments in life I just wanted to let it flow, I don't really care what happens, I just wanted to make peace with my own desires.

Should I finally catch on with my dreams? I guess I know where the time will be right. There's just something that triggered it; causing unease of feelings all throughout. My feelings and thoughts both affixed on removing these restlessness by actually doing worthwhile stuff. Rather than forcing myself to do things, it's my innermost feelings and instinct which drove me to actually achieve the things I did today.

I didn't bend my feelings at all. It's my feelings which bent my actions to alleviate all of this anxiety. These things weren't forced down upon me, it's just came to the point of unbearable, that I want to let it go with my actions. After everything was cast aside to sea of accomplishments, I breathe a sigh of relief. I was thinking: what next? What kind of things I wanted to do?

Things most likely went back to normal after that. I got back to my carefree self, just like always. I had been desperately chasing my dreams before I finally decided to let it go. Now that I had my arms freed of clutching, what would my hands do? I guess it could do whatever it wants. I just thought, maybe it's better not to strive on anything, unless it became rather unbearable and you must do it in order to prevent yourself from going insane.

Or at the very least, make all these unpleasant things go away. Though, it's not like you couldn't do these all just for fun. For the sake of personal, free-willed happiness.

I want to believe, every things that were beyond my control, I didn't need to chase it. Things would came to me when it wanted to. I just have to respond it with my honest feelings. That would be the best thing to do.

I guess, maybe, the secret of staying young the entire time, was to let go of all these ideas of staying youthful. Just accepting who I am; accepting myself getting older as time passed by. Even after all these wealth of experience passing by, there's still a lot more to learn about myself.

Well, I think I could experience those kind of landscapes from the start again. This time reborn as a new me. I don't know if this journey would work out like last time, but whether it works or not, it probably doesn't matter. It always seem to work when I tried looking it in different ways. Maybe my life would also be like that. It doesn't matter what it is; I just have to look at it, the way I wanted to. Things would be just fine after that.

If I had to define myself, I guess it would be, some kind of apathy. In the end, I don't want to care about anything, except the things I deem most important, as to not lose sight of it. Even if I want to let go of it, my mind screams—afraid of letting go. As it was my identity I worked hard so far. A lot of things I could let go, except of this. What would happen if I let it go? Will I finally get everything, or will I lost the idea of who I am?

I want to believe, if I truly have something, no matter how far it went away from me, it will always came back the moment I truly needed it. Maybe, the time will come where I could finally let go of those most important thing, in order to get what is truly the greatest thing for me, ever. As I started letting go of more things, the things greater and much harder to let go will come.

It's kind of strange, that it's due to my ambitions, that I were determined to let things go. I just wanted to receive something better with not much work on my own. Besides being apathetic to a lot of things, I guess I was also lazy. In spite of that, do I have some actual good points at all? Maybe it's cuz I was apathetic, that I could just focus on things I found beneficial, and it's cuz I was lazy, that I could just steer clear on things that might turn into a hassle had I stepped upon it.

Maybe, the only things I needed to change for things to get better, is my point of view. With that in mind, I guess the time for this journey to end is over. I wish to say goodbye, and thanks to my past self and everyone else I met along the way. Without these people, I probably wouldn't be here, just be in another place.

Though, I can finally say as for now. Others doesn't matter, friends doesn't matter at all. You can always live your life on your own.

From now on, I think, the only ones I'd be saying goodbye are my past self, because the other people in my travels didn't really exist. They were only illusions I viewed from far away because I was lonely.

I made peace with my loneliness and what I've seen ahead is freedom. I guess freedom is the most important thing, at least for one cause:

I finally got to decide upon a choice without being dragged down by others.

Well, if I kept talking, things would never end. I could talk to myself every now and then, but this would be all I want to say on this occasion. Farewell.