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Other Sekedar Tempat Gw Coret2 Asal

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by high_time, Jun 20, 2014.

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  1. high_time Veteran

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    a random note about a certain big decision someone have to make

    I was wondering if I actually wasted my life in these past 3 weeks. Thinking, it might be much better if I stayed at big city, where my PC and all of the artistic tools were there at my disposal. When I was there, I didn't really pay too much of a mind since I got no motivation whatsoever, but in here, when I wanted to, I just couldn't make anything good because my tools weren't available.

    At first I thought, it's all about the artist's skill, but perhaps I might have underestimated their importance. For example, when I was at the big city, i got the wacom bamboo tablet, but in here, I only got mouse and some pencil and paper. Turns out, looking at my latest drawings posted in pixiv as compared to what I could possibly muster right away—I felt really sad.

    The similar thing also went with me recording covers. It went even worse since I got no musical instrument and recording devices with me. I didn't even manage to produce anything of sort, even if I could somehow practice with the minimal amount of tools available. There's the virtual keyboard and I could sing anytime I want to, but there's no mic to record and it's a pain in the ass not being able to have access to actual music keyboard. I didn't have any guitar over here either.

    Though as of writing, it wasn't really that much of a hurdle besides the usual. Sure it was quite a pain not having internet access at any time and it's quite a pain typing on the keyboard computer, with all of these letters jumping around and about. Perhaps I should have brought a new keyboard also, instead of just mouse, headphones, and the usb hub I haven't even used once.

    The first thing I wanted to talk about when I wrote this, was the thing: perhaps I didn't want to work at all. I felt that all of those routine jobs weren't all that important for me to live. There was a thought, that if I could just live in my parents' home and relax around until I was ready to do something, it'd be great.

    As for this moment, those jobs were pretty much like a distraction from something of utmost importance to me. I kept thinking, what was possibly more important than getting a job right now? One of things which came to mind was, I didn't care about money, if the means of acquiring it was pretty much a pain. Ice wasn't looking forward to learning new things outside my own comfortable pace, furthermore, the concept of encountering things beyond my control and had to adapt myself to it was rather unappealing for me.

    Perhaps, if it's of dire importance pertaining my own survival, I would consider thinking about it seriously, but if I had to give up my own artistic freedom over living a comfortable life, without having to work when I didn't want to—I would gladly give it away. I realize I had quite a bit of artistic talent, but I wasn't that ignorant enough to think—it's the only thing that matters.

    A lot of artists could be successful even if they're a bunch of talentless people who think they're hot stuff. They could be popular even if they're basically brain dead and were just so friggin awful. Unlike many other things, art is subjective, and that can be used to make an utter crap of an art as a masterpiece, even if it's basically just a pile of literal turd being shat upon a piece of paper.

    Though, even as bad and awful as they were, I couldn't just think that there weren't any efforts, with sweat, blood and tears which came to their rise of fame. A lot of pain they had to shoulder, not just being tied to a tight schedule of training and performing, not to mention, having to ignore the outburst of criticism about something they simply couldn't change .

    I do believe I lack those resolve to pull out a monumental effort in order for me to succeed. I had a reason: basically it's not worth it. Popular media endorsed that idea of success because it would sell and appealed to our psychological needs of craving for acknowledgement—that which might also be conditioned by them. Through various forms of art and advertisement, it became a vicious congregation which enabled them to control the minds of masses.

    It's a conspiracy and it might actually work in a weird way to make me start feeling worthless about myself, in which diminished my desire to find a job. Thinking that I had no reliable skill and that I had no opportunities whether I succeed or not. Fortunately, as I got room to breathe and think about various things, I would like to talk about this utmost important thing.

    Was there anything more precious than happiness and having your needs fulfilled?

    When I put it towards what I usually do: when I write, it doesn't have to be something good, but it must fulfill a certain need. Being good or bad depends on circumstances of a beholder, but fulfilling a goal was not—it just something that had to be done.

    The same things could be said when I tried to make a drawing or play music—it doesn't have to try to be like the professionals, nor it should be. It just have to fulfill a certain objective: for example, to make me happy.

    I don't have to find a job because I don't feel the need to work outside my own pace and be given assignments far beyond my own capabilities.

    I don't need to be someone successful if it robs me of my time to enjoy things as I wished.

    I don't have to care about anyone else, since the only ones I can possibly understand in this world, is myself.

    At times I do wonder about what things I do put on effort in, that I couldn't afford working hard on everything. Maybe I just thought about stuff a lot more before coming to a decision, which in turn rendered me unable to do anything else.

    Even after all these thoughts, I couldn't say that I had accomplished anything. Yet, I just knew, it wasn't all that important besides trying to justify myself to other people.

    The thing of utmost importance I sought was the power to make the best decisions for myself, that which would took me closer towards the kind of life I always dreamed of.

    If it wasn't actually the most important, I don't care.

    To me, being able to live according to my ideals was the best thing ever. Or even if I couldn't live that way, at least I wished to dream about, every single moment I wanted to.

    As for now though, I'd probably just do some wait-and-see to figure if my decision would really took me closer to my goals, but even if it wasn't the correct one, it's still a valuable experience.

    To summarize everything, I do believe i want the power to make my ideals absolute, but if I couldn't I will try to live the best I can be, with as much happiness I can muster.

    That is my wish, at this point of time.
     
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  3. high_time Veteran

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    another daily thought

    it's been a while huh

    they say to get back from something, you gotta start from small things.

    so here i am.

    that's about it.
     
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    random thought about movies and stuff

    When I was much younger, I had been to movies once, but ever since I went living on my own and somehow developed a rather controversial way of thinking—I kind of felt reluctant each time one of my relatives invited me to watch movies again.

    I began to think those titles shown on the theatres were rather lame and dull. It's mostly a waste of time and money, especially the amount of time and effort spent going outside and wait when I could just waste my damn time writing the new chapter of my bloody story. As I went to live on my own, my tastes changed, and all of the popular shit became cringy as heck.

    Not because they're popular, but because as times went by I could analyze things that were interesting to me or not, rather than having them decided by the media. I learned to choose my own stuff based by the endorsement of others, but eventually I developed my own tastes. When it comes to movies—my personal favorite are porn of course, I'm not kidding.

    Different than any other kind of movies that were somehow deemed artistic pretentious thing, porn was able to satisfy my biological needs. I especially like the one when they did it with octopus which in turn they ate for breakfast. I somehow and some way decided, it'd be of my best interest to research much further in my taste on why porn was so good.

    I was quite lazy to do that, so I kinda want to talk about something else. Even though I write, I was actually lazy about reading all of the stories—most of the written texts were really damn boring. I especially got this vibe during the school days when I was forced to read textbooks containing the kind of sentences and words which would result in my utmost reluctance.

    The same with a lot of movies beside porn, since all I could do is watch rather than jack off. If there was anything as good as porn, it's mostly be games. At least I've gotta interact and do some shit rather than watch the least interesting stereotypes every single goddamn time.

    Once in a while, there'd be stories and stuff which caught my interest, but that didn't happen often. Since even if they're interesting enough, it's still doesn't make me feel immersed and involved in the story as much. Though, there'd be times I came across the perfect story for me, and that'd be the thing I want to use as my inspiration for writing.

    I guess I need to actually try to find things that inspire me rather than spending all day doing nothing but whining.
     
  5. high_time Veteran

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    about them

    Can you live without the significance of relationships?

    Because I'm tired of acting nice.

    I'm tired to pretend that I actually care about them.

    Fed up of avoiding to act stupid, even though I'm just a fool.

    I wish to find the meaning of happiness without having to form relationships. That's why, even if me being a fool, it will be fool for good.
     
  6. high_time Veteran

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    Soccer Spirits Diary, how I came from wasting my life on a single game and how it became a turning point on my life.

    So, there are quite a lot of things I've learned from playing Soccer Spirits.

    It's a rpg-soccer game with a lot of luck involved, which were both the best and worst aspect of the game. The game taught me about self-restraint and chill more than anything else I've ever played. If you couldn't control yourself, the whole of your run in this game would be completely screwed and it definitely will take ages for you to recover.

    For example was this thing called gatekeepers in this game. They were really hard to come by later on, but you got quite a lot of them early game. Not knowing how hard it was to get them, some new people used it to power up the starting players they got—which admittedly wasn't that good compared to a lot of other players.

    In case of some people, they could just start over, but some others had already gone that far enough and spent quite some money and the feel that your whole run had been screwed over by their own decisions. As for me, since the mechanics were rather complicated at first, I kinda looked up to the guides, but I still made quite a horrible mistake especially with the gold and crystals I spent.

    For example, wasting around 2 million gold on scout searches (to find new players and special characters to power up your team). Wasting too much of my time not sleeping to keep my arena streak, which grants you gp, the most valuable resource in the game, not knowing there were a lot of better options that were less taxing like colloseum and friendship draws. Even with the amount of arena i played, it still only gave me a bit more than a quarter from the amount I earned.

    One of the worst mistakes I made was using the experience boost early on, which made me level up so soon without playing the game that much. I didn't even realize the experience boost was there—I thought the exp gain was always that high. Though, I didn't really regret it since I got one of the most powerful legends when I hit rank 30.

    Guess you might try learning a lot from the guides from experienced players who already made their way to the top league pvp, but I've still seen the veteran users kinda screwed up using gold in scouts and doing the draws on weekdays, where there's rate of getting good players were rather abysmal. It taught me once more, how the lack of chill to collect the rare cards might drive someone to completely ruin all the efforts to gather resources they had.

    This game also taught me that, no matter what you get, always be grateful for what you have. Even if at many occasions, it gave you the 'sucker' message due to bad luck, which might make you feel really depressed, especially when there's also a message of people continually getting lucky and got the rarest players in the game.

    Though, if you're patient and be level-headed about it, you'll eventually climb up the hurdles easier as you continue building up your team. Yes, the game might be easier when you spend some money with it, especially the 30 day crystals pack—I won't recommend anything else since it's far too expensive. Nevertheless, I bellieve with the amount of rewards you can get despite not paying was enough to let you compete against paid users.

    I couldn't really say that I was amongst those with the worst luck. I got my team built up early on, and most of them were from lucky draws when I was just starting out. I started out an other account to re-roll for a legendary card, but eventually quitted—I got my team built much earlier, and it was doing quite well despite me paying it less attention from my main account.

    Sure I got a lot of salt from people being luckier than me, but i might actually be much more lucky than a lot of players out there who had to wait a lot longer to actually get the players they esentially needed for the team. Those players probably would never come, even when the game often had events that gave you a box containing guaranteed super-rare ones.

    Since, well, not all of them were good, and even if they were good, it also depends on the team you've built so far which determined their potential. Some players could be good on their own, but some other needed a particular team composition for them to shine.

    Aside from the players, team compostion and powering them up with gatekeepers, there were also spirit stones—which was the asset granting you various power ups from equipping it. Kinda similar to weapons and armor in rpg games. The spirit stones would drain millions of gold so fast due to its own mechanism. Every power up was like a gamble—it wasn't a guaranteed one. It has the chance to fail, and the higher the power up level, the more likely the tries it need would drive you to insanity.

    Basically, after using too much gold on scout, I also spent too mcuh gold on stones. Though, I felt like, all of the mistakes I've made was not for naught. From all those screw ups, I got quite a lot of powerful stones and I got myself a team of nice players and managers.

    To tell you the truth, I was just playing this game from about a month and half, nearly two months of time as for the time of this writing. I enjoyed this game, so much. Even if it drained the majority of the opportunities I should actually spent on finding and getting a job, for some reason it all felt so damn worth it. This game had somehow became an integral part of me in the past months from mid June to mid July. Literally doing nothing but play this game all day long.

    No kidding, I haven't been addicted to games for so long, and when I came to Soccer Spirits, it drove me in a sense of complete delight unlike many other games.

    Yes sure there were limitations like the stamina gauge, bp and battle balls to keep me from grinding endlessly, but those kind of things actually got me even more raved.

    To sum it up, I spend quite a bit of money but a whole load of my time and actually all the opportunity of two months that could be spent on getting a job.

    The best and worst part of it—I don't actually regret it. I really love playing games ever since I was little. Now that I had been faced with the prospect of getting a boring job, I really felt like just waste my entire day just waiting for the manager cooldowns and even the exact time for achievement resets and also the schedule for special matches.

    I thought about running away from it by just playing the games I like. If I kept doing what I like and pay it no mind, I would stil kept my wonderful, carefree life—right? Well, that was what I originally thought. I could just live my life doing the things I want without having to draw away my fullest potential to do many things I could do. I just have to play games I love and nothing else in life would matter.

    Just when I thought it was going to be okay, my parents came in and started mouthing off how I was so carefree and forcing me ideas to get such a boring, complicated, taxing jobs which the mere thought of it drove me towards sheer drudgery, to the point my suicidal thoughts began to emerge.

    I just couldn't do it, but running away from it wouldn't net me the kind of life I yearned. I was simply delaying something inevitable to happen—that I would definitely kill myself one day after a stressful day at work in a job I hate the most. I have to fight it by actually being serious about the things I love.

    So, after quite a long hiatus from writing, I decided, i want to make a living from all of my available talents. I want to be as versatile as I could. I knew a lot of things I probably would do well if only I was serious about it. I kept thinking, well it's not that important—my life would be just sailing afloat calm waters anyway.

    It may not be for much longer.

    Even if I love games I lot, I realize, I wasn't the most hardcore gamer with in-depth knowledge to apply for my dream job—a game tester. I was mediocre at best in a lot of things, but those things I had the potential to do it much better than most people if I actually tried. Most likely, if I got the courage and abilities to take on the opportunity to get onto a career, I at least would made my parents shut up for a while.

    Man, couldn't stand their yapping. It's simply the reason I decided to get a bit serious about what I wanted to do.

    Though deep down, I also had a dream, of wanting to be successful, and able to live on my own. To be independent and do the things the way I intend to do, and not just being forced around by my parents 'round the clock. I might just be all talk for now, but it was much more of an action than what I've actually done in these past few months.

    It might be rather too high-staking, but I hope you could see me at the top someday, when I could actually cultivate my talents to earn the kind of ideal life I've always yearned.
     
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    the fool's thought

    After so long while of trying to live my life the best I can, I found out, maybe it's best to just live like a fool instead.

    What's most important is that I don't regret my own stupidity. If there's something, maybe it's just my mind not being set.

    Nothing wrong of making stupid decisions at all.
     
  8. high_time Veteran

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    anger management 101

    at times, but not often, i got angry at someone.

    when i got angry, i want to think about killing them and making their entire life suffer.

    then as i pondered through, i remembered how i was really being an asshole to others in a worse way, and they still forgave me for that and still continue caring about me despite myself mistreating them.

    they didn't try to murder me, and they probably didn't want to make my life suffer in the first place too.

    in that way, i have no right to desire for the worst of everyone that's angered me. maybe yes if i was perfect and never wronged anybody, not even a single bit.

    but even then, if i actually had that perfect personality, not a single bit of vice would i thought, no matter how much people wronged me.

    though, it's only a wonder. since nobody was actually perfect, at least for everyone. they can be perfect for one but full of shit for the others.

    it's okay to be yourself, but next time you get angry, take a look at your own past actions and decide if your anger is justifiable or not.

    that's what i'm going to tell myself.
     
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    lone

    Lone is a word; it only describes one.

    There'd be no need for others if you wanna be alone. Relax and shut yourself out from the unecessities outside. Listen to the voice of your heart; do what it tells you. The hands might not move nor the mouth utter any—in that case there's no need to rush. Even if today's the last day of your life, it was never too late to realize the truth about yourself.

    What do you want to do? What kind of person you want to be? You might be able to answer it easily, but you'll never know if your deepest desires were something words couldn't explain. It might be from the influence of someone you admire, or namely peer pressure. It could also be from all these hours of suffering, which built your resolve to finally break free.

    I could endlessly guess, but in the end—I would never knew exactly what you sought. This lifetime might be too short to actually found what we're looking for, though it never hurts to try. Even if time was up and we still hadn't found it, the journey of seeking that truth would lead us to something more precious.

    As for myself, maybe the truth ain't important anymore. I just felt like wanting to write something, even if I wasn't sure what it is. Maybe nothing is really important, and the influence of outside world truly blinds me from seeing its lack of necessity.

    That's why being alone is my choice. Even with kindred souls, you can always disagree with each other. I have come in terms that I don't like agreeing or disagreeing with anybody. When I came to something which I felt I must do, I want to do it without anyone stopping me or supporting me. It's just me with my task at hand; void of any distractions.

    What I want to do doesn't have to be explained in words or be thought cognitively. The same as where I want to go or who I want to be. I just felt like I've had it in my heart, and following it shall I go for the rest of my life. Through all of these, I shall dedicate my life's work.

    I guess letting my feet take me anywhere it wanted to, could actually be a good thing.
     
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    I'm eating in bed.

    My bed had tons of food. When I woke up, I felt like eating until my stomach hurt; its taste was so exquisite. As the meat I chomped down, a burning sensation wells up, and with the vegetables I could felt the mother nature within me. The crystal-clear water hydrated each pore of my half-awoke body. At one moment I felt completely awake; more aware of my surroundings.

    I started to see all of those crystallized aura coming out of the food leftovers—a piece of gummy candies was it formed. Out of amorphous gusts of energy it condensed into one sweet treat of compounding flavors which go well together, at least with my sense of taste.

    I saw the face of my dead friend as I ate the first candy—he said all of the regrets that he couldn't pay back the debt when he bought a game which ended up with his suicide. I said it was okay—no need to pay back anything—just rest peacefully in heaven; I said that regardless of me not actually being religious. My friend was born in a strict family.

    He comitted suicide since his father burned the cd of his favorite game and with so little allowance, it'd be forever before he could ever pay me back for the game. I never said he had to pay it back right away. I always gave him a push to finally left home and renounce his religion, for he held no faith. Maybe it was wrong of me to tell him to rest in heaven.

    To me, he said: heaven was a terrible place. Everyone was a tool and had plastic personalities. I had suffered enough torture in limbo for re-education to be an empty shell doomed to repeat my past mistakes in the next lifetime. He wished to live in that game world instead. A game of dreams: you played as a virtual human being who couldn't even do anything on their own and would just screw up if left with free will.

    So I had taken liberty and reinstalled the game which he haunted. I found his family lot which wasn't there before. It was a complete shitcase of a house. What i did was this: I used the console and typed the cheat codes to grant him loads of money. I put a stupid fountain in his house's entrance and a ticket machine in which would charge people just to came in. The house would have only one entrance and there was a completely walled backyard.

    Which would mean no burglars, no need for alarms since people would just keep coming to play with that fountain, giving my friend a free money. I would furnish the house with all the things he loved; every stuff that's most expensive and lavish which would make him happy. I also turned off his aging so he could just do his own thing and stay young forever.

    At the first glance, he was just some ordinary virtual human with aspirations and such. Though as the game proceeds, I've also seen myself as a virtual human, walking through the doors and paying for a stupid fountain. My friend unlocked the door just for my other self, and that's without me instructing him.

    He and my other self talked and talked and they quickly became best friends.

    I noticed one thing I always did when I played this game. I usually just play as a single virtual human and finally fulfill their lifetime aspiration. With all of the cheats given, the hardest thing is to make friends. Though, making friends would be a lot easier just by speaking via phone to someone when you're lonely, those who had the best chemistry with you. It didn't need tons of hang outs and meetings, just a quality conversation in times of need.

    A friend in need is a friend indeed, that's what I've learned.

    So I took a glance at my other self's lot. I found that I had played as him quite a while ago and had his lifetime aspiration fulfilled, so his mood would always be at the very best. He was forever young with lots of money, quite a lot of romance interests but never married at all. I felt like playing out more than 1 virtual human at the same time was really a bother, so I kept him being alone the entire time.

    As for my friend, would I strive to fulfill his lifetime aspiration though? It was written in the game log that he wanted to fulfill his aspiration by being the best professional gamer in the field.

    Seeing as it's a game and I wanted to max him out ASAP, I was tempted to just have him grind skills to the max and use the turbocharger a lot while his aspiration is high, so his needs would be boosted instantly.

    Though, since it's actually his life, even with my intrusions, I wish for him to work hard on his goals. I will check the game from time to time to see what he was doing. When he had something wrong in the house I would fix it and gave him better stuff, but as for his personal aspirations and the job he take, the skills he want to learn—it's all up to him.

    It was some weeks later when I forgot to check out the game for a bit. My friend's lot was empty. There was a lot of scrapbook photos which I knew I didn't take, about my friend's own success.

    He left a parting message to me: thanks for fulfilling my life's dream, now I could carry on the next life. Hope I could met a friend as wonderful as you, and that I would be born into a better family.

    From the computer screen, I've seen a drop of crystallized candy coming out. As I ate them, I saw the image of my dead friend going up towards the staircase to heaven. He waved to me with a smile.

    ....and proceeds to murder each of the heaven people.
     
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    "nobody cares"?

    Why should you pay a mind about it?

    It's just a nobody.

    It's only worth giving attention if the one who cares for you is someone significant.

    Am I right?
     
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    a little story about being lucky

    Luck.

    If one has good luck, good things happen to them, vice-versa.

    It might actually be a curse which came in a form of blessing. If misfortunes could be blessing in disguise, lucky days had opportunity to blind one's insight when making decisions for the future.

    Neverheless, it can be something meaningless. There's a notion that everlasting success should not be based upon good fortune, but one's own efforts. All of the misfortunes pose no threat when one's own abilities had been honed so no tragic fate shall hinder them—so they said.

    Though, for some people who didn't have the power to fight, luck is the only thing they could rely on. It could be their best friend or even worse nightmare than their daily hell. Them, who possess no skills to compete in real life. No qualities to survive or even fit in—this might be their last resort.

    Far more had perished before the struggle reached midpoint. They thought luck was something they sought outside, but I believe, good luck came from within, when one had cultivated their spiritual prowess for beneficial use. We refer to them as 'white magic'.

    One example was the rituals to banish evil spirits which brought about misfortunes to a certain friend of ours. He failed exam after exam and almost dropped out of college—his parents hated him so much they disowned him. That's when his uncle called out a shaman—he used to live in the woods during his journey with. It was his blood brother, the shaman with a lot of totemic tatoos hidden and powerful presence which even a normal people like me would feel its healing power from.

    The shaman started to chant something in language I didn't know and with few pats to my friend's forehead, it made him collapse for few hours before he regained consciousness. At first I freaked out, but at least the Shaman could explain to me in English about his condition.

    "Friend of yours, he wronged someone in the past, a tribal woman. Most likely being unfaithful. Tribe has black magic so powerful, has potential to ruin living, even to death. Fortunate, your friend has strong protection, with small healing, evil spirits begone."

    "Mister, how do you know it was that tribe."

    "I see their runes in his forehead. A locator for evil spirits. It can be casted away from distances far away. Every tibe has unique runes in which they could draw power from their ancestors from. The source of its power is blood sacrifice, namely wild animals."

    He goes on adding some little bit of details but I soon forgot about them. Since I'm fascinated with those shamanic powers, I asked him to teach me magic. I need those so I can have more luck in life. I want to have lots of money by winning lotteries easily and with that amount of luck I want to be the king of RNG games and trash talk all of those whales.

    "Games involving luck? I remember when I was young and live in town, just like you. From when I was little I had a gift of magic which garners good fortune. I used it to gamble involving card games. It helped me see the outcome of games, meaning I could raise as much as I could and fold when things went down.

    Of course at some point people would start following my moves and that's when I also tricked them and make them lose all of their money when I had a lot more left. That's when my grandfather found out and sent me to exile in a tribe for the longest time ever. I only could leave into town for a few days now, so I couldn't travel far. So, yeah, whenever there's mission to cities I always opted in so I could buy some alcohol with the money from jewelry I crafted.

    My skill of fortune allows me to find the most profitable buyers and sell them at most advantageous price without making it considered highway robbery.

    When you wanted to learn, come and visit my tribe. Bring me a bottle of finest alcohol or if you can't, just go with some specialty food. Always love some exotic treats. I shall give you a permanent tatoo or just a permit symbol if you'd like."

    I ended up staying in the tribe for few days per week. The tribe was actually a lot more advanced than I thought. There's wi-fi, computers, electricity—it's just more like a small town than ever. The only thing which made this place tribal is the buildings and the way people dressed. Since the food here is so good and the place I'm in is so comfortable, I really wanted to move in here.

    Oh yeah, I opted for the permanent tatoo on my right hand, it was a snake-like mark that was beautifully sculpted. The man is a great artisan.

    "Staying here? I don't mind, but it might get boring when you get used to live in here."

    I worked with the shaman in his jewelry making, I often went to the mines to find some really beautiful gemstones. Most importantly, I also practiced some crafts and some white magic to improve my luck. At the very least, my parents seem relieved when I told them I started working at a bona-fide establishment.

    As the luck in my games, though. I don't know, I barely had time to catch up with it. I was busy having fun in work and practicing my craft. My friend though, he seem to be doing well. He was finally married and currently raising a good family, for me though, I don't really care about romantic things. If I could just live a peaceful, happy life on my own, so be it.

    Well then, time to get back to work.
     
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    creation of something, what's the purpose?

    I think, creating something of my own brings me a purpose to live.

    It's kinda strange, but letting out my own voices and aspirations out in the open felt really great.

    No matter how few and far in between, I'd like to be the voice that made significance.
     
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    wishing; might we've been doing it wrong?

    Sometimes we might think, that our wishes were so far away, and all of our hardest efforts were futile and it's impossible to come true.

    Perhaps, it's because we were fundamentally weak humans that believe we're much stronger than we are, and we tried pulling out something enormously large and monumental, as compared to our mundane self.

    In comparison, try imagine yourself being pulled by it. Instead of wanting it to get closer, let those enormous wishes come to get you.

    There might be a difference; this one didn't require as much effort; merely a change of mindset. Once you accept it, the world might turn out to be something much different than you imagined.

    Go ahead and let yourself become more passive; it can be a good thing.
     
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    a strange dream

    the musician who forgot the song he wrote in a peculiar language

    There was a musician who's famous for his peculiar song written in Chinese, particularly for its profound lyrics. The musician, when asked many years later, actually didn't recognize his own song, and that he totally didn't know Chinese at all. He tried learning the song again and performing it and it sounds exactly like the old one in the recordings.

    It was quite strange for him to forget his own song, but he felt like, it's more that he never even wrote that peculiar one. To alleviate all these confused feelings, the musician played a bluesy jazz tune in his guitar for the audience instead. In which garnered by load of applause--the night continues on in the live show.
     
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    had this dream very recently

    a beautiful young girl playing hooky on the group task, with the revolver she left behind.

    There was a young girl with lustrous skin and brown ponytails wearing a some kind of party gown, which was a bit open and exposed a bit of her skin and accentuated her curvy figures. She looked so beautiful in that attire, and with that kind of clothing she dragged around a big motorcycle with ease. I didn't ask where she'd be going, I just told her, if it was something urgent and she totally needs to go, just be on your way.

    Maybe I did that since I myself was quite a lenient person and didn't like to be dragged around strictly, or I might just let her off the hook because she were so good looking which got me charmed, who knows.

    Me and a couple of people were inside a big hall, minus the girl. She left a some kind of revolver to us, in which I didn't know the usage for. We're supposed to be promoting some stuff. Maybe the revolver was some kind of hidden message she left for us?

    I kinda acted like the supervisor because I couldn't really do anything else. The people I'm with ended up drawing a scene of people standing together behind a large box, all in monochrome, pen sketch thing. We just placed the big drawing on a stage, and waited for more others to come and take a look at it.

    After a while, it appears that no one had came by. They seem to grow restless, eventually ended up being apathetic to the current situation. I consoled them once more, saying, just be cheerful and look at the bright side. It wasn't long before someone among us, a girl with slender body, not really good looking, played with the revolver and started shooting things at random.

    It truly wasn't like a toy, and it ended up hurting a chubby girl, and she wasn't good looking either. I didn't know why I was so obsessed with their looks at the moment, but the chubby girl kinda stated: it was like her legs got pierced by metal and it hurts a damn lot, but she neither did scream or had some significant reaction. She just sat there with one feet stretched.

    Driven by paranoia, I confiscated the revolver. It's more like I didn't want to get hit by the stray bullets rather than wanting to make sure everyone else is safe. I went to the nearby store. Got to chill my head off—buying some snacks would be nice. Not long as I began browsing, I heard several gunshots outside.

    Not knowing why, I emptied all the bullets in the revolver and as I exited the store, I focused all my energy on the gun and fired a shot at the one's pointing the gun at me. As compared to the shots fired by the slender girl, which was about as loud as an audible click, this one let out a loud bang. A purplish-pink energy rays shot through the air akin to laser, piercing through the offender's head.

    They dropped down motionless, and I was left to discover the cause behind all of this.

    My mind went back to the girl. She might be so beautiful, but did she set me up for something? I wasn't really sure, but I've gotta find out as soon as possible.
     
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    did you sometimes feel like, you write because you haven't been writing for quite some time?

    The outcries of daily life. Lots of things to do and writing doesn't net you anything. That is, when your current job happens to not involve anything sort of writing creatively. Your country has shit appreciation for artists, and they barely able to make living even though they worked so hard. You decided to settle in a boring job because it offered financial security, even if it actually started killing you inside. You thought to yourself--it's alright--it's not like I'd actually work my asses off my entire life.

    Retirement was a thing, and when you already had raised your children to be capable adults, you could just relax and let them take care of you. It's all about living through long and arduous road of a secure future or something else that's uncertain. No matter which choice you took, it'd be full of pain. Because you hated your luck and fate, you decided to just swim with the current. It wasn't bad--a lot of people prefer safe choices.

    You were tired enough from working all day long and coming home late at night. When there's a day off, all you wanted to do is sleep all day, play games with the remaining time and many things else to make up for all the frustration and boredom accumulated. You began to think, it might be nice if there's more people who were interested in reading and supporting Authors who struggled to get by. Regrets filled your heart as you ponder, what you're actually doing this entire time.

    You remembered that contests were rigged, that the judges' opinion were so biased. You thought your works were the best, but no one understood it. You got disappointed in people, and how unfairly subjective this kind of art was. Though, you probably never got to understood what Authors did for a living--how stressful most of them might be if they had to live solely on their trade.

    One certain day, you met one Author. He was your co-worker at a different division in which you encounter whilst you're scribbling some random notes for a plotline. Frustration and tedium brought you back the memories of when you had the eight grade syndrome. The story about a teenage boy being the incarnation of bloody crimson devil dragon annihilator who had amnesia, hiding a dark past, and secretly was the little brother of the archvillain behind the world's destructive phase.

    He told you that he's also writing stories in his pastime. It was mostly short stories about a fantasy adventure between two little girls. There were various subtexts but nothing sort of lesbianism extent. He himself thought the work was also boring, but he would change that. He would make it so the work would actually be something interesting. Instead of the warehouse manager, he would be the Keeper of Darkness Domain. Instead of managing kitchenware supplies, he would pretend it was some magic and alchemy goods for the alchemist and wizards to practice their craft.

    He would thought of databases akin to those data sheets from video games, like the thing when he played as soccer team manager. It could also be similar to those statistical rpg game where you would build fortifications in such detailed degree of customization--though the game was for geeks only.
    He was a geek--he loves to have fun, even if it requires playing hard.

    To him, being an Author for a living would mean you had to give up your freedom to have fun the way you want. When being a worker, you can also do that with your job, since they didn't care much about the process, and the results ain't that subjective--it's all about the numbers. Kinda depends on the job though, things like providing services to customers could be something really stressful since you couldn't really gauge their satisfaction and if your company products suck, it would be in for a rough ride no matter what.

    This company's product happened to suck a lot, but both of you didn't care anyway since the wages are good and the work hours aren't as bad as the other. Still it was boring as hell so you really wanted sleep.

    Nevertheless, the talk was good. You gained a new friend after months of almost no interaction with your co-workers. You thought, well, I guess I should come up with some cool title for myself.

    Maybe, the true creativity didn't came from getting the best job or opportunities, but to make the best use of the things you had. Like, I used to resent my luck a lot--I still do. When I was playing a luck-based game, I haven't got any legendary heroes beside the free one while I was early game. I still felt really frustrated, man. When other people had multiple legendaries and I was stuck with just one. Though I realize I didn't appreciate that I had a full team of great heroes and were set for many of the game's content.

    Still I felt like I deserved more than that. I want all the legendaries; I need all the age I could get in this game. Maybe it didn't matter since it was just a game though. You just play it for fun and make the best experience with all you had. Most likely, if I didn't get them, it probably wasn't important.

    I still wanted to get them since I know, it would really help me gain serious edge and launch me straight to conquer end-game content.

    I hope, regardless of what's life in store for me, I would get really lucky.

    I don't care if it's just a game though, sure life's more important, but if I got the chance to get the best luck, I would take it right away.

    Just like life, maybe you should make the best of what you have, but it's always better to have the best luck. Be grateful for what you had, but wish for the best--in short, I guess.

    Well, that's about it.
     
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    making some terrible jokes

    What do you call an onion that's having a bad day?

    Bad day onion.

    How do you describe exploring the wilds in two words?

    Green day.

    Why do RPG characters never take a shit at all?

    If they shit they would lose a portion of HP from their recovery items (food) so they would do their best to hold it in.

    Why are magical girls so gay?

    Because you want them to.

    What is the reason for liking traps?

    Effective on luring the enemy in and caught them off guard, of course.

    What is the first thing to expect when attending a reunion?

    No one actually invites you.

    How do you find funny games on steam?

    Anything that doesn't have the funny label on the title could count as one.

    Why are you laughing at the rock?

    Because I'm rock hard and I'm a fan of Dwayne Johnson.

    Why am I reading this?

    Because you actually should re-evaluate your life and you're escaping from reality.

    Why do you think you know so much about me?

    I don't know anything about you, your response is just something to give it away.

    You still know nothing about me.

    I'm not really interested in you lol
     
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    the wishes altogether coming true.

    Once upon a time, someone told me : if you want your dreams to come true, it's not about pushing yourself so hard or striving so much to reach that goal.

    "It might actually drive you further from it."

    What if, the key to actually achieving your dreams, was to put less effort as possible? While you're aiming at it, don't persevere for it, just let things flow naturally to yourself.

    Though it might be a different thing, if putting effort to something was actually your passion. No matter what happened, you'll always have at least the satisfaction of doing your best--even if the results wasn't really all that much.

    As for myself, I'd be happy if everything could be done with as little work as possible, so that belief rings with me. It's the ideal way to live since I wasn't that diligent when it comes to stuff.

    Still, like in the proverbs said: there's a lot of ways to reach Rome. The ends justify the means and you can just use whichever method to get to your goals. Even though it's considered immoral or unjustified, in the end, if you listened to your heart rather than be a spineless sheep--you would know which path you should take, which transcends all kinds of wisdom and experience.

    I hope you'll find your own magic way soon.
     
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    "helping yourself"

    I used to think about the belief of self-reliance. You don't depend on others to do your own thing. Though, I can't even help myself at all, so I turned to the assistance of others. If I'm doing it myself, there's no telling when it would be completed.

    I used to think, I should help myself first before helping others. If I couldn't help myself, and I could help others, could it be something to think that I have gained their favor and they possibly could help me with things I couldn't do on my own?

    After many days passed, I realize, the most important thing isn't to rely on myself, but to do things in the most effective and efficient way possible. Self-reliance means I'm closing the opportunity to see people who do better at me in a particular field, and it yields to unwarranted arrogance which makes stuff so inconvenient.

    From this day on, whether there's a difficult problem I couldn't solve on my own, rather than forcing myself to do it, I would seek help from those who are much better than me. I believe, because this world ain't fiction, there will always be someone or maybe even something which would lend me a help.
     
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    what's your definition of a wish?

    I began to think, that wishes might be a type of desire. It cannot be fulfilled in a short notice.

    It came from lack of certain thing. You want it to come to reality, but it's not that simple to make it so. It can be something really complex and having a tough road ahead, depending on the individual's capacities.

    Some wishes were down right improbable to happen in reality, but most of them wasn't necessary to live a happy life. For example, being a hero on a quest to defeat the demon lord might be exciting to imagine, but experiencing it may not be a pleasant thing. Living as an elder god with absolute control over the worlds might also lead oneself to emptiness.

    Certain people refer to it as a fantasy. Few of those who were depressed, often got lost in their fantasy as a coping mechanism for their pain. They wanted their fantasies to come true, but if they were in normal condition, they might wish for something else, with less of desperation.

    One reason why people wish for something, and strongly so, was due to a strong sense of lack. It was often caused by the stress of daily activities or even a traumatic event, or might be changes in one's life which made the life became much further than one's own ideal.

    It could also be said, wishes were the desire to bring oneself closer to their ideal life, or it could be the picture of an ideal life by itself. If things didn't go their way, they would wish and hopefully take appropriate action to get back on their tracks.

    There was a college graduate, with big dreams about his future. He dreamed of being accepted to a high-level job, in order to get all the money for him to buy all things he want; the job would be fun, inspiring and opened many networks to expand his own business. He dreamed of investing in a successful business, retire from his job early and spent the entirety of his life in great wealth and happiness. He wished to raise a wonderful family, with caring, loving wife and gifted with three kids, male and female doesn't matter--he just wanted to raise a children he could proud of, the children who could make a name for themselves.

    His family would grow, with their children marrying of to a good, well-respected family, and he would be showered with the happy smiles of his grandchild. He and his wife would look over the next generation until they were over one hundred years old, living many years of happy marriage.

    He would like to settle down at a quaint, peaceful country side after racking all the wealth, and he would like to spend the majority of his life communing with the nature and living in harmony. He'd like to work in his own farm, and would still work and learn things until the end of his life. Contributing and helping out the community in general. He doesn't need worldwide recognition, he just wanted to give aid the best he could.

    After his death around the age of 100s, he wanted to depart onto heaven, where there's eternal peace and relaxation. Up until he was content enough, and be ready to get reincarnated again, into another fulfilling life, in which he would live in similar ways again, but with different twists and turns in which would made him learn something new about the truth of life. It would repeat over and over and he would continue to explore how beautiful living could be.

    That was his dream; his ideal life; his wish--just to give an example.

    A tough situation might be, if he actually got everything, but her caring wife got into an accident, leaving him to raise three children alone.

    It's really painful when someone you love so much dies. No matter how hard you wished, you couldn't bring them to life. It might be strange to say this but, maybe, it's not pointless to love them and care for them like you always did. Maybe even more than before, a selfless kind of love. That way, even if they died and left the physical realm forever, you would still be connected with an even stronger bond. That person would be much more vivid and alive than when they were actually alive--because you gave care for them even more for the sake of precious memories they left behind.

    Maybe, there's no such thing as an impossible wish. Even when it comes into the realm of fantasy. A big hit in a fantasy novel might be born from one's enormous wish to belong in there. By that way, he not only would not actually feel actual hardship and pain like the main character, but he also got to be the God, the Creator, which dictates all of the events and the fate of everything within the story--an absolute power of an Author.

    In all of that case, I had one thing to tell.

    Just be positive and believe your wish will definitely come true. Even if it's not exactly the way you want it, believe--it's going to be something much better.

    May all of our wishes come true someday.
     
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