Friggin' Weird Diary by Some Random Sicko

A Small Reminder

I realized that I've just woken up from a sudden slumber. Man I can't believe I could just lost consciousness at some given moment when my head touches the pillow on this comfy bed. It must be given my irregular habits of sleeping out so late, I even stayed up all night at ocassions and slept at morning times when many people should be awake, doing things to keep their bodies fit like exercising. That also reminds me I haven't exercised often too, gotta do more of those if I wanna keep staying fit and healthy, in addition of fixing my sleeping habits, hurr...

Gotta end this disorganized life once and for all! Especially this unhealthy eating habits involving fried foods and instant noodles. I particulary ate those insant noodles frequently as for now and I hate how it totally gets me kinda addicted. Still, it's quite a hassle to break because I came to eat at irregular times, when the only places open were mostly those cooking up the noodles (read : Indomie), and many of the more healthy foods only open up between 9 AM and 9 PM. For early morning meal when you can enjoy something modest and fulfilling I usually came to some food parlor (read : Warteg) in order to satiate my hunger.

Though many of those were mostly out when the time's weird enough to eat according to an usual good morning people (11 PM for example)

Luckily there's one of those which is open 24 hours, a perfect place to drop by when you're hungry at irregular times, too lazy to cook for yourselves (yes I'm particulary LAZY about cooking) and when many other places for eating out were already closed. Now I've become a regular there so to speak.

Before I completely forgot, I want to remind myself to start eating healthier foods, especially the ones with nutritious vegetables in order to keep myself vigorous throughout the day.

Last but not least, I'll let another reminder for myself because I'm being a lazy bum on cleaning my own room, and the bathroom inside it. Things started to get uncomfortable because of my tardiness, and if I don't get onto it soon the room might start to turn into a disgusting nest filled with annoying insects in addition of pesky bacteria and virus that will eventually lead to much of my demise in the future if in any case I'm not doing a good job on tidying stuff. Gotta start being diligent as for now.

That reminds me it's been a while since the last time I had written a diary entry, for a moment it seems really nostalgic too, when was it like the last time? Kinda forgot but let's leave it like that for now.

Oh well, that's all my thoughts for today I think

 

Wat the Hell is Dis

I can't just believe this! And when I diligently come to the classes in order to learn some stuff, there's a notice placed on the wall about the classes today being cancelled. The substitute class will begin this Thursday from 7 PM to 9 PM, but that's not the real issue here....THERE'S STILL THE SAME CLASSES GOING ON FROM 3 PM 'TIL 7 PM DAMN IT! Who do you think we are, expecting us to attend classes for a WHOLE SIX HOURS? Give me a friggin' break!

And yeah it's pretty much tiring, having to attend these classes at the hours when people were going home from their jobs. Furthermore outside's pretty dark, and it doesn't feel nice having classes at night. But well, I'm having trouble waking up early so that's why I tend to avoid choosing these classes which starts at 7 AM or something, I usually choose between those from 11 AM into 3 PM starting time, so I will have less trouble of getting up in order to attend these.

Morning classes might be refreshing, and I have to admit that even though I'm not a morning person. But as I am mostly lethargic at early morning, I tend to fake my attendance by tapping in the card reader and leave right after that. Though it eventually proven to be disastrous to my track record as this wrongdoing lead me into failing many of the classes, I better not doing this again and start getting serious on my studies hurr...

The results on this semester was pretty satisfactory even though I had one failed course, it raises my GPA to the point it's nearing 3.0 and I'm really happy with the achievement considering I'm mostly slacking off during the semester. Glad that my lecturers weren't such a jerk about grading, hopefully I will get these kind of nice lecturers next semester hahahaha...

Kind of feeling lazy to take that classes at the next Thursday but what can I do about it? At least I'll try to get myself to attend these so I could learn something worthwhile, even if that's only a little bit as I couldn't really get myself to understand the materials teached.

Oh look another entry for Today. This is the last one given the 2 entries per day limit.

 

Lazy

Sometimes I think, posting up these stories on a certain site regularly has begun to take its toll on me. It has become quite a liability for me to keep doing this to the point I figure there's no point on forcing myself anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to resign from it. I just want to take my time on focusing on certain areas and experiment in things that I find to be really fun.

Honestly speaking, after losing out so bad in the last contest I joined, I felt pretty much discouraged. It's pretty much my inability to write a decent plot and structure that could match up to the form that I imagined. Nonetheless I become so full of myself about the capabilities I don't even have. It's not easy to come up with a well-written chapter nowadays and on my case most people were getting too busy in order to give even a care about my troubles are. Let's just say their own business were more important than merely giving an unnecessary attention to a mediocre author.

Maybe it's just me being a perfectionist. But I don't want to write things that end up half-assed anymore when I wanted it to be serious, that will explain why no one at that site really took me seriously. Even if it's not my own forte, I wanna change myself into the person which I wanna be. Though staying at the same place for a while is comfortable, it becomes totally irritating when I have no other place to go.

Gosh, that kinda explains why am I so moody when I think about writing. I kinda lost myself who truly gets himself immersed in joy while working on my chapters, have I finally lost the freedom and creativity I had some time ago?

Only time will tell. For now I'll just do my best in whatever way I can, I think I'm going to put these projects aside for now and focus on improving myself in these department I lack so it will be much easier for me to write decent chapters on my future attempts.

Until next time.

 

Getting a bit Motivated

Nowadays it's much easier to attend classes rather than the past time and I find myself start catching up on the materials taught at it. The session doesn't felt much like torture anymore when all that I want to do is just skip them and fake my attendance, and I began to enjoy it myself to the point I want to do my best in order to have fun on my next lessons.

I wonder what is it, that made my motivation rose up so I could freely look upon my future as a bright thing with many promising ventures onward? Must be because I have something I'm looking forward to accomplish every day, and through writing this diary entry I kind of realized that I might be a 'confessional' person who couldn't held their thoughts and feelings in when there's a moment when I could let it all out. And the happiest moment were mostly times I spent with the people I know, through online or those whom I met IRL, when we had a really fun conversation it etches deep down my precious memories, shaping myself to finally become the person that I am now.

My days were not always cheerful, there were many depressing times when I could only look forward to spend them being an empty hollow with no future at all. But I think that's all changed because I found something I could love, then I took the opportunity by giving it as much love as I could. In return those things gave me the motivation in order to make me through this days of hardship. Sure is right, that quote...

Life will never be the same again, and the past does not equal the future.

I wonder what kind of things will come in store for me on the next days? Well, I could only wait and hope for the best to happen.

 

Short Entry for Today

Whoa, I felt like being completely flushed because of this stack of writing projects waiting at bay. Still many chapters left before the end of the month, I wonder if I can write fast enough whilst maintaining my standard quality? Dunno but it's best if I keep myself relaxed I guess. Listening to ambient music helps me out a bit on cleansing my mind from all these stressful feelings and pressure, maybe I should go download more of these ambient and field recording stuffs in order to help me concentrate better on my current tasks.

 

Lebaran Holiday Here We Come

Well just dang it, during the Lebaran holidays many of these places which I used to eat out regularly were closed down, many of those offered plently of delicious treats liable to satiate my hunger pangs. Man, I guess I have to settle for the modest ones throughout the holidays. Maybe I've gotta drop by for some extravagant ones at the shopping malls sometime? Nah it might be a little bit too costly for my current wallet, so I might as well spend it for buying new clothes instead.

I found many of my old ones to be a bit uncomfortable to wear, and it's not because I gained weight, it's just that I find those ones uncomfortable, some of my old clothes were also tattered to the point I can't even wore them anymore so I guess that I should probably pay a visit towards the clothing section in the department store at the nearby mall. At the Lebaran times they usually had some huge bargain right here and there so it won't hurt much if I check those out. And yeah, luckily the person who's done all the cleaning and washing the clothes, so I won't have to worry much about the over-expenses at laundering besides the bedcover and all the assorted stuffs.

Sigh, there's also tests right after the holiday's over so I might as well prepare little by little for this upcoming 'judgement day'. Oh well, the holiday's just starting and I'll guess I just take it easy for now

 

Lebaran Shopping, Whew I'm Broke Really

About some few days ago, I went to the shopping mall near my place in order to buy some stuff. It's actually just some short trip to purchase things like the pencil case for neatly arranging my stationeries, and some clothing because of these huge discounts came up. But there's another purchase that left out quite a damage on my budget, when I tried to buy the pencil case it turns out that the same store also sold musical instruments, and I grew fascinated while browsing through some of these acoustic guitars.

As I were reminded again on how my old acoustic has already reached its time to retire as I've spent a good five years on it (yeah since 2007, I think) I thought, now it would be the perfect time to buy another one. There I asked the shopkeeper about the ones I deem interesting, and pointed out at the guitar placed on the corner. Though contrary to what I was expected, the shopkeeper says that the one I choose was a bad one, it doesn't produce the ideal sound that I wanted it to be. So yeah, he recommended me an acoustic guitar, I think it's the Yamaha one. I already know that Yamaha is one of the most popular acoustic guitars around, while the other one I know is Fender. The acoustic guitar itself seems to be made with high-quality materials, as i tried to scrutinize it when I touched the surface of it.

It feels comfortable when I tried holding it, and it produces a great sound, although it's not as excellent as the professional musicians use when they record their acoustic guitar tracks, it's really fitting enough for me who's still just playing for fun. And yeah, the purchase itself also comes with another one by also buying the guitar case with the same brand name 'Yamaha' and a Violin Polisher, that could also be used to clean the guitar string in order to prevent it from rusting. The guitar case enclosement also did a good job already on insulating these from the daily air it helps them to stay at its prime for a longer time. I also got a free nylon handkerchief thingy to polish it, yay!

As you might notice earlier, the purchase made me with only a little left for the remainder of this month. I think I might have to ask my parents for an additional money...sigh...that's what I get for being to greedy, but at least I still find myself really satisfied with my current purchase. In addition of that I also got the right clothes I needed too....so yeah I think I should be happy instead hahaha....

 

Summer Class Exams Time Starting

Phew, alas the judgement day has finally come starting today. I have yet to finish all my studying while preparing for the test happening at this 28th, the materials are pretty tough to learn but I think I could somehow manage to pass if I studied enough, well somehow. I'm not planning to ace the test since it will be too tough for my brain to handle, I would be happy if at least I'll got a 'C' to reach the passing mark. For the remainder of the course I will also do my best in order to at least pass it.

I myself had witnessed an improvement in my studying motivation, it doesn't seem as a pointless activity anymore just to pass courses and courses in order to finally graduate. There's many interesting things I learned by reading the reference book and skimming the slide materials I downloaded from the University's site, it's a pretty wonderful thing to say that I started to enjoy studying it, little by little, digesting the simpler stuff before moving on to the complex one. The times I spend here were definitely a good thing as the pace is quite relaxed enough for me to slack off as much as I want, but still strive to maintain quite a standard in order to at least make myself learn something out of it, even when it's just in a miniscule amount.

And although it's still kind of boring while trying to digest all these tidbits, I think this major I'm taking is pretty suitable and appropriate for myself as I do seem to have an interest in this particular field of expertise. The feeling that I'm already on the right path reassures me on the things I might took in the future, with this diary which serves as a milestone to mark my progress in life. There's so much things to plan and think about in order for me to reach my desired goals, but I'll save it up for later, the most important thing for myself now is to prepare myself as much as possible for the upcoming exams.

Hopefully I'll pass all of these with satisfying results.

 

Bored

So yeah, tomorrow's the last day of my exams and I don't felt like doing anything, not even studying at all up until now. The materials need to be learned are quite plentiful so to say, it's such a bother to read that many pages in my reference book. And then I'm quite uncertain how I will pass this one too. My best bet could only come by reaching the highest score possible in order for me to pass it, so I won't have to retake it again. So like, the materials that I downloaded from the slide were highly summarized, providing little enough pages for me to digest, so I won't have to cram up that many stuff and just focus on the most important parts, that sounds pretty neat.

I'm thinking of some plans to do after the exam's over right now, most likely about fulfilling my monthly target of writing on my story projects etc. And when it comes to writing this kind of stuff, my usually-lazy behavior turns the complete opposite, getting completely motivated to do so, and the frameworks about the chapters I'm working on, it could fill my mind up for a whole day with excitement on how is it going to be. Though at times I'm quite likely to get stressful and depressed for mainly two reasons, the first one is about not getting enough inspiration and ideas for writing my stories, and the second, about how there's so few people supporting my work, or even reading it, that I sometimes think, ah there's no one going to read this work....

Getting way ahead of the topic, I don't know really what should I do for the future, I just want to do my best with everything I have for now and hope for the best to come. It's too much of a bother to think about unnecessary things that might happen next, as I just want to relax in this cozy place of mine while thinking up about new ideas for the things I wanna work on. Oh well, I just hope that this time I could finally made through the exam just fine like in my previous ones

 

Free at Last

Okay then, now that all the exams are finished and I'm confident enough I've done my best on it, no regrets at all. Especially on the last day when the exam actually was an open book one and you could use a calculator, before I went towards the University to take exams, I've got the feeling that I'm going to need that reference book I had along with the calculator. It really does come in handy while I'm working out these problems, especially at the last two problems that I haven't studied yet, but I found the peculiar solution to it as I skimmed through the peculiar pages related to the problem, and look at the similar problem as that one.

Honestly speaking, the hardest time was right before I had to go for the exam, while studying all these materials, cramming it up, I felt really hopeless that I'm unable to understand this load of complicated stuff from the book, in addition of that I also haven't drilled enough by practicing myself on solving all these exercises in order for me to get a firm understanding of the current material I already have the general idea of. Sometimes I got the vibe that I'll definitely fail and face total demise by taking the examination, so there's a notion for me not to take it instead, being such a cowardly person I am, afraid to face reality that unfolds before me.

There I tried so hard to convince myself that all I have to do was to come and take the exam, nothing more, nothing less.

"You've done your best, there's nothing more to strive for, just wait and see the truth that happens before you, don't run away anymore because running away from your problem won't solve anything."

It was my whole conviction to give up on all additional attempts on cramming up the entire materials, as I'm already so tired at that moment, waking up so early in order to study the materials that I kept on procrastinating so much. In my mind I kept wishing how can I turn back the time to yesterday, to one week earlier, or even one month earlier so I could have enough time to study at a leisurely pace. But well, even when I have enough time to do so before, I didn't do it, why? I kept convincing myself to do it long before that, but in the end I never made an attempt on doing so unless the deadline is coming near, until I become completely flushed with all these studying I soon began to hate this University life and wished that I already graduated in order to do what I wanted, something that I loved and would make me smile whenever I'm doing it.

Yeah, as you can see, I somehow managed to pull through all of these negative convictions of mine of always straying away and afraid to face the reality before me. Regardless of all my self-depreciating thoughts floating about, I strengthened my resolve that what matters is I actually tried making an effort, no matter how small it is. That even a single, small step and a simple decision would change my life for the better.

And here I am, feeling delightfully satisfied with all these ventures thus far, particularly for the last exam as I've done all the problems in what I thought to be the correct manner. And now I'm looking forward to the things that I want to do in order to make my remaining holidays to be as productive as possible.

Once again this entry stated about my experiences on defeating my own self and conquering the shades of reality before me, to the point I'm also surprised on how much I have changed since few years ago, when I was just a pathetic person who has no future at all.

Yes, before I discovered the joy of writing things I'm basically a person with no future in mind, now that's different. Now I have something to look forward every day, and something I strive to accomplish on every moment and occasions. It all thanks to writing things that I've ever came this far in my life, I couldn't be grateful enough for it.

Now then, let's end this entry for now and I will be looking forward on seeing what kind of things will I write next.

 

Appreciation

I think, writing a diary or might be some other things before going to sleep has become quite a favorable thing to do for me, as it gives me the notion that I've done everything all that I could for today by writing the recollection of all these events happening throughout the day, summarizing the meaningful points into a simplified manner, a diary. It might also subtly record all of my previous accomplishments I made from the start of writing this diary, and as I browsed it from the start, there I noticed that my ideals and beliefs had somehow shifted in an interesting direction. With the mark of it being this entry, oh well let me write something up about this.

Lately I've been thinking, that perhaps I don't really think of fame, popularity, and appreciation on my works is really a must, as I could settle on having the least of them in this past years. Even with, so to say, I have to put in a lot of effort to finish even a single chapter and still get nothing, it might still be okay I guess. I don't know how things might change for the better for me in order for more people to support me in my work, but I know one thing for sure : that if I can't settle with something less, I won't ever be satisfied even after getting most of the good things this world has to offer.

And there I realized that I can still be happy just by appreciating things that I currently have right now. Sure I might be filled with jealousy with some people that have such talents that I don't and probably won't be able to reach their level because I'm too stupid and lazy for that. But when I'm able to accept myself for what I am, I got the vibe that this world slowly starts becoming a better place for me to live in, no longer will I be looking away from the reality anymore, sight obscured with my naive delusions about an ideal world! Some said that reality is what it is, not what we want it to be after all...and today I finally understand it by trying to accept my own reality as it is.

There I thought again, it's okay for me spending my entire life living in the shade of mediocrity, I don't like beiing inside the spotlight after all, it's too shiny it makes my eyes hurt. I'd rather spend my time freely being in the shadows, where I will be free to blend in the majority of people without anyone noticing. That's right, it's better if my existence was subtle enough. It might be futile for me to change this world, even changing anything that was within my grasp.

After spending many of my days being in the places only a few people will visit, mostly with no people at all, I became accustomed to this moment of silence, this feelings of tranquilty the world has to offer. It somehow brought about myself a subtle kind of happiness, it's mild and pure. This is probably the kind of happiness I'm looking for throughout my entire life, strengthening my resolve to settle for less, and appreciating everything that I still had, when I still possess it. That is much better rather than having to being reminded of the precious value of something dear when you completely lost that thing, which will never come back again no matter how much you beg and pray.

Such is life, it probably will never go the way you want to. But I think that's the part of its beauty I guess, sometimes it's really hard to accept things as they are, but when I made up my mind to face it head-on, it probably could turn out to be a valuable experience.

Well at least I'd like to think, even if it's painful...at least I could somehow get through these in the end right? This is probably the thing that matters, that I finally took an effort in order to change my life, even if nothing will ever change according to my wishes. It makes a difference to myself that at least I fought to get what I truly wished for...

Yeah, that's right.

I'm glad that, if it's only in a whim, I made the decision to start this diary in the past.

 

Why?

That's possibly one of the most questions I asked myself regarding how did I accomplish many of these tasks. The actual reason is actually so simple it almost turns out to be pretty much nonsensical and absurd, the ultimate reason why I want to do something is because I wanna do it and I wanna finish it, nothing more, nothing less. Yeah I'm sure had so many dreams ahead to achieve by thinking on what great things I could reach by doing that thing, but the motive which actually makes me do it is just that simple.

I think I do not need that much of an ambition, skill, talent, or effort in order to accomplish things, I just want to be myself and doing the things that I wanted to do. Well, I think that's all I needed to make my days truly meaningfull I guess. Not much to say after that so let's just end this short diary entry for now.

 

Choosing My Path

I do have many things that I wanted to write, but lately I can't seem to find any motivation to do so. Well, I do not want to write out of all feelings of obligation because I hate being bundled up with such things. I just wanted to write because I want to, not because I should be worrying about not writing in time...why most force it when it's not even my job? Seriously though, I'm not a professional at all, not aiming to become one either, so why should I.....

Nah, I don't know really. There's a chance I might want to gather my thoughts around, trying to write what I truly wanted to write rather than being bound by all these unnecessary responsibilities that only serve to weigh me down. I do realize something, that in many cases, honesty is more important than any kind of motivation I will have. Maybe it's because of the creed about sending a message down the deepest heart? There's lots of beliefs and ideals that I thought of, and I want to express it so much, the meanings and philosophy that I've experienced thus far, making me the person who I am now...but well

Not everyone will agree with my opinions, worst of all, I sometimes had a premonition of myself being killed due to upholding my personal beliefs. Yes, in my thoughts there's something very radical lurking in between these perverted imaginations, at times it might be so offensive you will have a totally different opinion of who I truly am. I don't deny it, my honest thoughts might be especially despicable either. Even if I do have some things in mind that may shock the foundation of this world, I'm still too weak a person to stand up for his beliefs, much less will put his life on the line for it. I do hate pain and suffering so much I might cringe for the first moments of it, and at the other moments it might turn out that running away from this adversary, without facing it right away will only yield more pain to me.

What should I do really?

Maybe by gathering my thoughts around and try to focus on other things rather than these tasteless way of sticking to duties and responsibilities might give me the correct answer on how should I lead my way.

Will I become a person who's dutious and chained away by responsiblities for the rest of my lifetime? Or will I be a free-spirited person that upheld honest and radical thinking, and ready to put his life on the line for it? I don't know, whether I will choose truth or falsehood. But as you see...truth is harsh and painful, so many people loathes it...but lying to yourself also deals the similar amount of pain too.

I just don't know where I'm going, but I would like to answer my true feelings by doing what I wanted.

Maybe, going for the path of 'truth' might be the choice for me after all, but let's see what fate has in store for me.

 

Restless

Sometimes when you do enjoy what you're working on, there's this restless feeling lingering in your heart. Even after the completion of the tasks, it doesn't seem like there's any subtle accomplishment at all, only the passion that you get while you're doing it.

That's pretty much what I'm experiencing recently, after focusing on doing what I think is right, soon enough I became engrossed on doing that thing, which fills me up with these joyful emotions whenever I'm trying to concentrate on finishing those tasks. Though unlike finishing things out of obligation, the true satisfaction doesn't come from when I do finish something, it's actually flows on as I began to write it from the start to finish. And now what the hell happened when it's actually finished? It might be this feelings of restlessness, of myself wanting to accomplish more and more.

I know it might sound crazy but deep inside, there's a part within me that wishes for more fun jobs, working on things where I could enjoy myself to the fullest, and be accustomed to spending most of my time pondering the next direction I should took. Yeah, it fills me up with joy sometimes that I just wanna do it until I'm particularly tired that I couldn't do it anymore and all that lies left on my mind was just the bed in order to lay myself down to enter this land of slumber. Well, sometimes you can't help being a workaholic when you're doing what you truly enjoy.

Although being motivated on doing certain tasks which I find enjoyable would prove my life meaningful on that day, sometimes I just can't be satisfied with my current progress, even if I had done my best and tried my hardest on something....I don't know why but there's one thing that were left missing on my works, when I took my time again, in order to scrutinize the missing link between my current result and things that I desired deep within my heart, I actually found something pretty simple really.

It's about how I tend to set standards too high for myself because I'm envious on other people doing well and how they doesn't seem to set their eyes on me at all. There's a desire for me wanting to be recognized, for my achievements to be acknowledged, but at other occasions, I just want my presence to disappear from them, so I could proceed freely as my heart tells me to. Putting it simply, it's about me trying to be myself and face those people by working on my own ideas, and becoming myself, not the copy of the other people I aspired to be.

Yeah, I think that's all on my mind that I wish to express. For now, it is.

 

Results so Far

Whoa, I just checked on my University's site some few hours ago and found out that I had passed 2 of 3 courses that I took on my summer classes, there's still a pending result though in that one course. I passed it with B and A for each respective courses selected, it might raise up my GPA a bit as for now. Will be looking forward to the results of the other ones too, hopefully I'll also pass this one.

Just few days until the beginning of the new term huh? Kind of curious on how these things will turn out hahaha...

 

Whoa...that's great!

The remainder of the Summer Class' results were finally out as for today, and I also passed that one with a 'B'. I could say that I felt really happy today, that means I won't have to retake any of the courses again yay! That's it for trying my best on accomplishing something and it makes me so glad that I at least did put an effort on it.

I can't say that I had accomplished things I wanna do for this moment, as there's still stacks of my own projects waiting to be finished and I do need loads of inspirational materials. But...I think the advancement I made for now truly reminds me on how I changed so much from my past years, so different from the past me who had always been running away.

Though a bit hesistant at times, the present me could face off with problems head-on to a certain extent, and look forward to his future more. It might be because of me trying to immerse myself in my writing activities, that I finally found the purpose of living through my days.

And I think, I should keep on doing my best for today, for the next days, and so on.

 

The Hell With This

Just realized that after the new term starts, I'm already on my own for quite a time now. It's not that long until I become an adult who will soon enough got the responsiblity of getting a job for my own welfare and starting to look after myself. It's tough and I find it to be resentful on being tied up by these kinds of obligations. Sometimes I wish that I could spend the rest of my life on being a kid, trying to figure out how the world goes in my own childish ways, having all the time I need to create wonderful memories every day, doing things I like for as long as I wanted to.

I kind of hate it when someone tells me 'life's hard' or 'life sucks', even if it's actually true. Well I think that, I just want to escape from these concept of reality that's being pushed down the throats of masses just to make them obedient like sheeps. Then I might want to propose an idea of my own reality, just for myself, and forever shall I isolate myself within this reality without any heed of turning back. That is, because out there, I'll only see utter stupidity of people trying to curse themselves every day, forgetting how to smile, and worked too hard for nothing, weren't they just trying to kill themselves slowly and painfully? I don't want to associate myself with this kind of people any further

Though it's not like I do not want any companionship or friends in real life or in the interwebs. And I knew full well that I'm not the only one thinking about how stupid the concept of adulthood is, and how dull-minded and neurotic those people wanted us to become. There I began to thought, well adults are boring...I just want to associate myself with those who keep their inner childhood alive, who fought their hardships brilliantly with the power of joy, smile, and laughter. These people who were enjoying life to the fullest, breaking out all the popular stereotypes and dogmas, they are definitely my greatest inspirations on becoming the people I aspire to be.

And I'll also try my best on milking the most fun in each and every day, as long as I still got the opportunity to keep on living.

 

Cleaning Up the Room

I do have so many things in which I'm too lazy to do. One apparent of example of it might be cleaning up my own room, especially my bathroom and I mostly left the toilet alone without any cleaning until the surface turns really yellow it soon becomes a bit light-brownish, for some people it might not be of a hospitable spectacle to unveil in front of their visage, though I do not give any heed towards the personal hygiene that my room has, as long I'm happy without any stress and restrains pertaining the daily life activities. Though with myself disregarding herewith this obligation in order to maintain personal upkeep of hygienic concentration standard, it might become such a bother with these problems which keep come and go with all these morbid procrastination routine which soon enough becomes a dreadful habit.

Take an example that usually occur whether the level of hygiene had already reached abysmal levels, with the surface description of this room being totally torn asunder in disarray, making it really...really tough trying to find a peculiar object in which I needed for in crucial times, it could even be painstakingly difficult in order to find an object which I do not have even a vivid recollection of, it might be scattered everywhere in sight as far these lazy eyes can tell. Moreover, the problems does not peculiarly end there, as the problems will give birth to another chain reaction of problems it will soon enough propagate into such adversary, which in turn, would put me skyrocketing into a total shakedown of stress.

Another reason for me to clean up after this mess might be, because of foul air and humidity that keeps accumulating through times, it might also provide a hospitable environment for beastly vermins such as cockroaches and these miscreant insects, the plague and epidemic disaster instigator, such abomination should be purged from my very sight forevermore! All these forthcomings might prove to be more enough of a reason for me to start getting my lazy ass off to start working on the sanitation compartment which this room had gotten so many negative feedbacks for. Therefore, I will now start telling myself to get back to work on setting things straight, hoping that in turn things will start getting better for me to be finally realize this matter is important.

Because I'm too damn lazy to make an effort, all that I could do is hope, and keep writing along with complaining about how couldn't I do any shit about this matter. Oh well, until next time.

 

Regaining the Fun

I don't know why really that these days, it's been so hard for me to find something which is fun to write about. It seems that, I'm really stuck up at trying to finish all of my writing projects as soon as possible without paying any heed to my feelings, as I tried to make it as simple as possible so the full story could be done quickly, and if I fully immersed myself within my emotions while writing it, soon enough things might becoming so incoherent that it's really hard to put in an ending that ties off all the mysteries in addition of answering all the riddles inside this current story. Yeah, I don't know for myself, even after I already completed one story by rushing it so bad that my health condition kinda drops at that time.

It was the situation that makes me really forced to do something as I am faced with a perilous dilemma of wanting to feel how is it like to finally complete my hard-worked things, and the desire to end it gloriously. It seems that I had selected the first option of rushing it and it definitely makes things disappointing and soon enough, I believe that even after completing a story, things doesn't really change at all. Rather, it makes myself being unable to put in an effort in these past few days after I completed that story.

I don't wanna end up in the hospital again due to forcing myself too much on being such a perfectionist while working ot the stories, that fear also contributed to my inclination away from being a totally dedicated author. Striving to be the very best isn't my fight anymore, as I shall pass on the baton to everyone else dedicated enough to risk their health for things that they love, something that I do not wish to sacrifice anymore. I already learned my lesson during the hellish times at my hospitalization and sure I do not want to repeat it anymore again, I've already suffered enough being bound by these endless chains of obligation while letting my university life suffer.

Now I'm pretty much have no future with all these mediocre grades, but well...who cares about it anyway? As for now, I just wanna focus on writing things that are fun to me, giving me strength to carry on, as the manifestation of the free spirit within me, creation of something that's parallel to one another in succession. It doesn't have to make sense in the slightest, the ultimate reason to do it is because it really helps me in order to achieve something I truly wanted without being bound by many limitations, like what I'm experiencing at this moment.

This will be the crucial time to regain my edge again, these past promises might be broken but fear not, I believe that my salvation will comes thereafter.