murasaki LINE

- ♫ IF anything bad girl~ こんなはずじゃない my love ♫ -
you won't expect something bad happen, don't you?​

lately i really want to write about my daily
but, i feel that daily stuff wouldn't be good enough to describe one of TVXQ/JYJ's song
you already know that i used TVXQ/JYJ's song title or anything related to them right?

so i guess...
i'll fill you about these daily stuff i've been through lately in one title song

back to previous week
you already said that you'll gonna be busy on the next week
and won't be available if we want to asked you out #37
so... i made myself a promise not to bother you last week
as determine as i can
since friday to tuesday, i keep my promise
as in wednesday 00.38 there was an email from that Griya guy
and the time limit to reply that email is till thursday afternoon
so i guess i don't have no choice and broke my promise
i texted you in the morning to inform about that email
not only you, but our entire team
that whole day was all about that Griya thing, it's business, no personal problems
that would be just fineeee~

and then at thursday night
our friends asked us to have supper together that night
like we always do
i already know that you won't be available
but still, your answer when that friend inform me hurt my ego a little bit (not hurt, maybe stung?)
he told me that you're going to eat with your girlfriend
which got me thinking, when is she going home?
in the dinner, i got shocked by that friend's word
he said, loud and clear, "when will his girl going home?"
just like saying my own thought
and he grumbled some more, "if she's here, our playing time won't happen. he's to busy with her. how 'bout we kick her out?"
that's only a joke, you know...
but that was the best sentence i ever heard that day
Lovely~!!! BRAVO~!!! (if i could scream) standing ovation~!!!

jump to saturday...
in the evening, when i went to go dinner with my boyfriend
he told me that he saw you earlier
with your girlfriend of course
at first he didn't know her
but as he asked me, and i said that i'm not sure, it could be, but i'm not sure
he described her in look, like taller, bigger that you
(couldn't find the right words in english, but something like that)
just like that, i'm convinced that you were with your gf
but then my boyfriend next sentence was so hilarious, made me rofl
he said, "why didn't he choose someone else better, prettier than her?"
couldn't agree more... lol sorry *smirk

okay there is another sentence
that my boyfriend asked me
"no wonder he looked for other girl in here"
it's look like that my own thought was spoken out once more
sorry... (feeling a bit guilty)

right after few step from my place, we met you
of course with your gf
we exchange wave, but that's it
as i promise, i don't want to bother you with your gf

i sunday afternoon
you called me, asked me to go out
as i recall, you should have just got out from the church
and from your voice i could tell that you're with your gf
from that i conclude, just like my own promise
i won't go bother you, and i say "No"
that's all

in the evening, our friend called
to asked if we could go out for supper in TA
i immediately say "OK"
and when the guilt and evil-ish thing appear in my head
i suggest him to invite you as well
the next phone call really gave the impact as i expected

what? why?
i shall explain further than...
that guilt and evil-ish thing come up because of these:
i hope you were thinking like this
"when ____ asked me out, i said yes
but when YOU asked me out, i said NO"

i forgot to explain more further
because this post should have represent the title
"you won't expect something bad happen, don't you?"
why did i choose such a sentence?
because if i agree to go out with you
and probably with your gf and mine
i'll gonna have the worst bad mood i ever have, ok
just because that i couldn't stand to be that close, yet couldn't touch you thing
and there is your gf right there that would get me upset
also i should maintain my casual body language in front of my bf
how could i ever do that?
pressure like that would bring something bad to myself
also would effected to all of us
you won't have something so bad like that, won't you?
i'm not that good actor you know...
try to understand me more better

 

get me some JYJ TICKET!
temptation for my patience​

fuhh... hari yang menegangkan
dari tadi sore, nungguin suatu hal yang ngga jelas sampe deg2an terus

cerita ny tentang pembelian tiket JYJ
saking kebeletnya pengen ntn JYJ
gitu ada kabar dikit aja tentang tiket ny
ky masalah semalem tu
ternyata Heaven Records buka list booking buat beli tiket ny
proses ny gampang, cma d suru kirim email: nama, alamat, no hp, jumlah & jenis tiket
langsung ngga pake nunggu lagi, kirim email ny
harus ny gw dapet reply langsung
tp ngga ada reply-an dateng
bahkan sampe siang masi ngga ada jg reply ny
HR ny bilang kuota buat silver tiket yang mau gw pesen uda abis
bahkan sampe sore pun tetep ngga ada reply

hopeless dah sama booking
berharap aja besok d web ny DCI ngga parah2 amad
walopun jantung ngga tenang, bawaan ny berasa sakit ati , ky keilangan apa gt...
ga jelas... ckck...
bakalan ngga tidur nyenyak nih
besok bisa bangun ngga ya?
harus nongkrongin web DCI buat bli tiket ny
huh...

eh sekitar jm 11an barusan
HR tweet lg, setelah minta kuota tambahan dari DCI ny
dibuka lagi deh booking buat silver ny
langsung kirim email lagi
-mailer daemon-
kirim lagi~! barang x salah nulis alamat email ny
-mailer daimon- LAGI~!!!
bikin bete aja nih

akhir ny kepikiran buat pake email gw satu ny
yg ngga perna d pake lagi
kirim...
.
.
.
.
.
akhir ny ada balesan dari HR ny~!!!
pesenan gw d confirm deh masuk bookingan...
besok pagi tinggal transfer
fiuh...
lega, nti malem bisa tidur nyenyak nih


mo ngomel tambahan ny...
email ku knp c?
ko kirim email k HR malah failed mulu y?
yg tengah malem kemaren kirim itu ngga ada mailer daemon ny malah
jd mana gw tau klo ternyata email gw ngga nyampe k HR
grrr... bikin marah aja ni email
ini salah siapa ya?
yah** ny kah? ato salah gw?
kesel~!
hampir aja gara2 tu email gw ngga bisa ntn JYJ
huh~!!
tp smua FB, twitter, dll tu pake ny email itu
gmn cara ny gw bisa pindahin k email yg 1 ny y?
kyny harus d jaga nih 2 email ini biar tetep idup

sekian...
masi bete gw GRRR...!

 

DON'T CRY MY LOVER #prayforjapan
please keep him safe​

you know that Japan struck by earthquake and tsunamis yesterday right?
all over the news and twitter
#prayforjapan we said
the video footage from the news was so frighting
japan covered with waters
power is out, mobile phone connection is out, all airport shut down, massive fire

and i know that Junsu was still on Japan
and then Picnic_Xiah tweet: JS and his manager are fine and not injured. They don't know when they can return to Kr b/c the airport's closed
at least he's fine

an hour after that, Junsu tweet:

the first time i saw junsu tweet like that
i feel i want to cry
i'm so glad when i know he was safe, the feeling is so overwhelm me
he's safe! thanks god
i know fans all over the world worried about him
and sent tweet to him
and he replied
even when he was fright to death
he still think of his fans

later at night,
Junsu finally go back to Korea
the airport pic...

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there is a tweet, i guess from cassies korea
they might wait for junsu arrived in Gimpo airport
they said that, junsu couldn't stop crying
i wanna hug him, i wanna calm him down

for junsu, please be safe, please keep healthy, i pray that you'll safe even if i don't
i don't care

 

BREAK OUT this self
break me out from this shell​

sebenernya ni diary harus nya d tulis 2 malem yg lalu
tapi gara2 koneksi inet yg nyebelin ato mungkin gara2 idws tercinta lg error
jadi ngga sempet ke submit deh

dan skarang uda lupa mo nulis apaan kemaren
sebenernya bukan ny lupa c
tp males nginget2

karena harus menjelaskan title post ny...
terpaksa deh jelasin dikit

Spoiler: penjelasan

kemaren2 saya lagi berasa sesek bgt sama this self
pengen do something yg sebenernya jarang bgt gw lakuin
tp sayang kurang keberanian
kurang determinasi

pengen ny c ngambil keputusan tentang masalah yang ngegantung ini
tp karena ngga kena submit
maka...
#ngeles deh
ngga jadi deh menerapkan keputusan ny
biar d gantung aja bentar lagi

anyway...
skarang penulis diary d SF sni tambah banyak ya?
jadi tambah rame c
tp tret gw jadi cepet banget pindah k page 2 ny


trus nemu SF baru
SF fiction
padahal baru d post #40 kemaren berencana mo bikin new story lagi
karena tu story blm jadi
makanya yg saia post d SF sno cma cerpen yang perna aku buat waktu jaman SMA
silahkan klo mo ikut2an comment ato meramaikan SF fiction
SF fiction alamat ny di sini
thread fiction saya di sini

 

clap OUR HANDS
congratulation~!!!

celebrating 2000th post

Spoiler: more pic

​

actually this is 2000th post + 2

because i forgot to count
and to much post on fiction SF lounge

what should i say today?
erm... don't have story yet for today~
but about my next plan is:
tomorrow (actually its today) night i'll go out of town
maybe for 3-4 days
don't miss me

 

i got a STORY I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE
worst week ever in my life​

Even today just only the beginning of the week
JYJ concert has been canceled by C-Jes
they said that DCI couldn't fulfill some of their requirement
and even tough C-Jes already warned them, DCI didn't show any changes
so the official cancel notice came from C-Jes

i couldn't blame C-Jes for doing that
i'm just piss because DCI couldn't meet their expectation
and DCI trying their best to fulfill it
but they don't resign like Sing. promoter, at least Sing cassie still had the chance to found other promoter
and we ended up bruising because of this notice, we don't have second chance
C-Jes directly said that the cancellation only in Indonesia

A dream that i had for a long time ago
to meet Junsu in real flesh had crumbled down
it will be a long journey again to see him

i don't want to talk about anything money related to this concert
it's just...
i really hope that they could make it to do concert in here
once again i disappointed with our country attitude

somebody on fb wrote this

i don't like the words
i feel the constrained feeling inside
it's similar to my principal means
but i prefer other sentence
You choose what you had to choose
but think clearly before you choose, so you don't have to face the regret later
Don't ever regret what you choose!

i know what it means...
when i start to like him
the thought of being theirs fans
i should never be regretted to love them
there is the rough road ahead
we survived through the splitting
we survived when we couldn't see you perform
we alive when you say there is gonna be concert in Indo
but i'm falling to the deepest dark hole because of the cancellation
but i know i'll survived through this

just need a change a bit from this sadness
couldn't cry, couldn't blame anyone, couldn't fulfill this dream

please someone cheer me up
carry me away from here

this early morning
when i was reading the news
the first thought that cross my mind was...
is this sadness would push me trough the edge?
if i die tomorrow, would my friends miss me?

but after the thought passed by
a friend of mine wrote something just to say hi
at least before i ask that question, there is a friend that notice me
GOD know me well, He brings comfort to me anywhere
but this sadness just won't go away
as the tears kissed my lips

i'm tired to deal with this now
distract me from this

there is a distraction
Ronan's new album...
made me going through my mp3 collection again
start downloading again

 

ALL IN VAIN because of the cancellation
the envy​

just wanna list things that in vain because of the cancellation
the ticket of course...
900k, even tough the money would be refunded but right now, i really don't want to take those back
i wish i could spend more money if JYJ could come
the lightstick that i bought
even tough i didn't have enough money back then
but i really push my limit just to be prepare for the concert
not just the lightstick, there is also red t-shirt that has JYJ name on it
but i don't have it right now
and of course for transportation to the venue
fee for the bus

i really envy Thai cassie
they got to see JYJ 2-3 April
2 days in a row, and cassie Indo doesn't have the chance to see JYJ world tour

and another sad news is
that the largest fanbase of TVXQ in Indonesia, TVXQIndo would be offline
i never had the chance to be comfortable in that community
but at least i already attended their event once
watching together TSC Concert in Tokyo Dome DVD in I Sing Caffe, FX Senayan
i remembered back than...
i'm only a newbie in here too
but at least because of that, i knew zeespaces
here is some of my history there

Spoiler: pic

​

 

왕자는 떠났네, LEFT A HEART IN PAIN
the day i died​

you know that a dream recently just collapse in vain
The Prince is Gone is one of the songs in musical Mozart
my 왕자 is gone, won't come
i wish that April, 9th won't come
but i already passed the day
the crumbled dream, i have to left it behind, i have to walk forward
but this empty feeling won't go away

I'M AFRAID OF HATING YOU! my dear Love

the day just passed by, but here i am stopped in time
won't go forward
just watching you in last year performance in your musical concert
MOZART was great, ELISABETH was greater, and the special song composed for you by Mr. Levay is the best
i realize that you had met great musical actors and actresses

the only songs that i could bear listen to is in Mozart dvd
the other songs that you sang, i couldn't come to hear them
i know that its not your fault to be gone, 왕자
and i don't ever blame you for that
i am so afraid to hate you if i listen to those songs again
i am so afraid i could end up hate you, blame you for it

i am so afraid end up hate you, dear Love

i had stop listen to you
i had stop watch you
i had stop searching for you
i wish i shouldn't do these, i wish i don't have to show it to others
it's just the emptiness in me
the doubt, i don't want them to feel the way i feel
i don't want them to lose faith
and i just stop being here
i stop talking
i'm afraid i could spill the darken side of me

everyone is so happy with the new songs
everyone is so eager to listen
i don't...
not see, not hear, not talk

i was so persistent to love you
i was never wanted to hear anything bad about you
you are my angel
there is nothing bad about you, 천사
so perfected like an angel
왕자, my love is unwavering
too much love i gave
and now i feel the contrary

i always like that
after the love, should appear the hate
the more i gave the love, the longer i feel the hate
when the separation is came

you has gone
and now i'm afraid to hate you
will i be able to continue to love you
or being miserable because of hating you for something that is not your fault

 

the FORCE of nature
you are you and i am who i am​

that was a quote of a note that i had wrote that day
the first time of that same matter is #36

boys will be boys
i know that sentence and what its means
but my brain just refuse to use that
i always believe that some man are more grown up that the others
but in the end, they all the same

in case you asked
in case you wondering
the date was 6 of April

i'm so sorry if there are any of you that read this
and annoyed by this writing
just let it go by
of course its not only apply on man
woman too
all race who called itself human

the true nature of humans
they have needs that must be fulfilled
and would do anything to fulfill it
and would not refuse if it is there in plain sight
gladly receive it
and even wanting for more
more of the things that already available in plain sight

i thought that i already let the addiction passed
and it is
but the greedy feeling isn't
and there you were in front of me
and i was there in front of you
so i guess we both the same...
would not let go of the opportunity that passed by

you wished you could change me
but you can't
i am who i am deep inside
you could see the changes in the outside
but you'll get more surprise what you found inside

and you are who you are
even if i wanted you so bad
i couldn't have it
couldn't ask for it
the restrain inside
it might surprise you i had it inside

 

how can i USE IT?
vain​

i should have not talk about this anymore
but...
it's annoy me not to

again...

about the cancellation...

today i got the JYJ chibi t-shirt that i supposed to wear to the concert
even tough the color is nice and the cute picture on it really cute~!

Spoiler: t-shirt

but...
HOW CAN I USE IT if...

Spoiler: backside

there is writing: "World Tour Concert in Indonesia '11"
how can i use it?
if anyone ask, when did JYJ held concert in Indonesia
it would hurt so bad, i still couldn't find the words to explain without getting angry

who should i blame for this matter?

 

my little princess's STYLE
stories about fashion​

I should be writing about this a long time ago
I was enjoying a noon on CP with my bf
While there was a Japanese matsuri with a lot of cosplayer
That day, I used the style I never used before
Just because you said it the previous day
A shirt that I tucked inside my jeans
A tie that I used to replace a belt
And a pair of wedges that I bought the day before
The one that really hurts my ankle

I was looking around and found that girl
I said,"masih ada ya yang pake gaya kaya gitu?" to my bf
I don't know why I said that
The style that I was saying about is a pants with a lot of pocket
I don't judge her for wearing it
Because that was the style I usually used back in my high school day

That time I realize that I changed a lot
Even the style I used that day I couldn't even dare to imagine using when I was in high school

I try to recall when exactly I change my style
I don't know the exact date
But it should be because of you, friend he was a friend back then, what is he now?
What you like on girls style
You always giving me tons of suggestions what to wear
I try to denied it
I try to keep my own style
And recently, by changes of recent event
I started to change
I started to used your called style
You should known the reason by now

I guess it was started when I stop cutting my hair short
Just like the way you like it
But I do that unconsciously
I started do that consciously when I bought the cloth on my PP
One courage that you said made me this way was,
Any clothes would look good on me because of this kind of body
It's become a fact when I put on the cloth you all gave me as my birthday gift

Another this princess clothing story is...
The difference of my clothes that I wear based solely on whose I go out with
Just that simple

If I go out with my campus friends
I tend to used your kind of style
It would be odd if we all go out and you all look good, when I just wearing a t-shirt and a jeans

If I go out with my bf
It's all just a t-shirt and a jeans
Why? Because he do exactly the same
Not every time
Sometimes, he only wears a t-shirt and a short

I asked myself why...
Shouldn't be a girl dress as best as she could on a date?
I like to dress good
But no!
If the one I'm going out with is just wearing a t-shirt and a jeans
It'll look strange, does it?

I hate if I look different from people around me
So I try to look the same with people around me
(gw ga suka kliatan menonjol dari yang laen
gw lebih suka terlihat sedikit berbeda, tapi masih tetep ada kesamaan)

 

IMAGINING boy's letter
inspiration???​

I was looking around other's diary
Sebenernya pengen nulis 1 post lagi...
Tapi lagi males nulis panjang2
Apalagi ngetik dari hp ky gni...
Yah... Emang nasib ga Ada inet d kmr
Masa mo nulis diary Aja harus pinjem kompi orang?
Kan lucu... Ngga leluasa lagi...

Back to topic...
About boys...
Gimana klo gw d ijinin jadi cowo sehari?
emg mo minta ijin k sapa coba?

Sebelum mulai bayangin...
Let's see...
Gw itu... orgny cukup bersyukur sama apa yg gw punya
Jadi sebelum ini ga pernah tuh kepengen jadi cowo
Walopun gw anggep jadi cowo tuh cool jg...
Tp ngga pernah terlintas d otak gw klo gw pgn jadi cowo
Cma, adanya gw pengen seperti cowo...
Jadilah cewe tomboy

Seinget gw, dari jaman dulu...
Gw pake rok, cma klo itu adalah seragam sekolah
Itupun d balik rok ny gw pk celana pendek lg

Orang mungkin bakal ngomong, ga mungkin ah cma pk rok sekolah doank...
Kan klo k kondangan gt pasti pake dress...
Hmm...
Jawaban gw, dari jaman gw mulai pilih baju sendiri
(ngga d pilihin nyokap gt)
Gw ga pernah pegi k kondangan, soalny ada kemungkinan gw harus pk rok
Pernah 1x gw k kondangan, krn harus nemenin cowo gw
Tp tetep aja, gw malah pk celana panjang kesayangan gw...

Dari jaman smp-sma
Gw itu ngga ada manis2ny...
Uda muka jutek, tampang sok cool, tomboy
Tp untunglah skr, uda berubah
Walopun dikit2...


Ok, skarang mulai imagining ny...
Klo gw jadi cowo 1 hari...

Hmm... Ky apa ya? Ga kebayang...
Macem ny cowo imut gt kali ya? ky Kim Bum?
ato cowo cool ky Hanazawa Rui d Hana Yori*
ato... peran ny Hiro Mizushima d Hana Kimi? agak2 playboy tapi konyol...

Klo gw bole milih... Gw pilih jadi Rui
He was perfect back then when I watched him on HYD
tp gt gw tonton ulang, charisma ny uda luntur...

Tp klo d pikir2...
Cerminan gw yg paling mungkin ya Hiro..
LoL...
Pikir sendiri deh...
Masa buka kartu sendiri gw... ah

Baru sadar... Tambah lama isi post diary gw tulisan ny tambah panjang aja per post ny... Hahaha...

Terus... Page ini blm ada pic yg makan BW orang

Ngga sempet upload pic nih...
Later deh...

Last...
Peringatan uda 2 taon jadi member
tp ko rep power gw blm nambah ya?

 

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MY love after love
finally, being reveal...​

Recently I wondering around a lot of diaries...
Sometime I found something quite interesting
Enough to make me wrote down my opinion
My point of view...

This one taken from... Dyelewer's diary
The post was about being dislike to receive sms
The very opposite of me
As you probably know, I'm hinder talking to people
I admit that I don't have confidence to talk
I don't like to talk loud and clear
Because my ears are quite sensitive alesan...
but it's true...
So...
I could speak my thought freely with sms
Because sometime, there are certain words that I couldn't dare to speak of
Various reason; couldn't find the exact word, shame and shame...

And also...
Trough sms, you might find the other side of me
The one that you couldn't hear when I'm speaking
Weird? Strange? Dual personality? I wish I had three...
This is the way I am ^_^
---

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can you see this DARKNESS EYES?
empty looks... once again​

Spoiler: definitely not today's

Life is full of surprises,
even two parallel lines could someday meet.

2 parallel lines!
If I use this metaphor, what I see is us as two parallel lines.
We walk side by side, of course we notice each other.
But we just never happen to bump each other.
When I think I know we had the same feeling, that's when my dream get high. That's when we someday meet.

We had a lot of similarities,
I fall in love with him
I just couldn't get to deep
I wish we could have a different path together.
Not as two parallel lines which just someday meet.
But as one joined line. Together.

I wish he feel the same way...

Spoiler: another definitely not today's

Do you believe in soulmate? I didn't believed it.

It was when I think about my soulmate is my current boyfriend.

On #8 I stated that soulmate is

I used a fact to reason why I didn't believe that soulmate is exsist.
It's a fact that everybody isn't perfect. So there's no perfect match, means there's no soulmate.

Slightest hate...
It's a tricky word.*

But I believe it now. When I think about him. He could me my soulmate.

it's started this early week...
he asked something... whether I like my boyfriend or not
I used a u-turn to answer it
"it's only a daily stuff" I said

but he didn't get what's I mean with that answer

daily stuffs, that I would do everyday
but if I didn't do it, it won't harm me
which means I could let go that daily stuff...

that's when I choose my side...

just simply because I can afford losing a daily stuff like that
but the real answer is I can't afford losing YOU!

do you know あいしてる means?
it's the answer you've been looking for...
but it doesn't matter anymore...
cause I said so to you

and my stupid question is, "am I gonna regret losing you?"

OF COURSE I AM!!!
I kept thinking about you...
am I gonna be brave enough to lose you? of course not...
just a coward talking in here...

I can't afford losing someone again...

but either way, I'll lose someone...

I kept thinking about you...
Is it so hard for you to believe that I do love you?
or
It's sound funny if I tell you I'm just happy see you?

I know that you couldn't face this fact, so you'll just simply refuse all these

but you should already seen it
you should can tell I have it with me

I was dreaming flying high

and now

once again I fall down hard
I have seen the comments
yes I did...

it's funny how feeling could shift so fast

one second I was so happy, smiling all the time
and the next second, I just what to throw away all this far away from me, wishing I'd never see you again

it's damn hurt

funny the only things I planned I won't be jealous on is the one that make me like this

KJW: Hyung, I was really confident.
I was confident I wouldn't fall for her.
She was nothing to me, so I was confident it would end up as nothing.
But...
Why didn't the plan work?

CWY: Plan other things but not your feelings!
Feelings aren't vending machines.
A coke doesn't just come out because you want one!

really ironic, does it?

 

love is... CRAZY
things you could laugh for even in the weirdest time​

few days left...
few days pass...

when I'm with you, I'm getting crazy

crazy, I couldn't touch you even when you're so close
crazy, missing you even you're just inches away
crazy, wanting you more, more and more
crazy, asking myself why did I fallen in love with you
crazy, enjoying getting drench in the night rain
crazy, laughing because of your little words
crazy, smiling of our presence

I thought that I already passed away that rain that I love
I thought I lost interest of rain

but the rain comes again last night
just remind me back to my first love
remind me of a twist of destiny

should I believe in it?

destiny?

I'm just having fun by being with you
I'm just love you

back to destiny
if I ever had the chance to stand in front of destiny in flesh
I would says, I can't! it's not mean to be! I can't believe in you! I don't have the right to do that...

and in the end I crossing my finger and praying he would says, "I told you so... have a little faith."

but it's not happened yet...

I have a lot of fun tonight...
lost on our way
drenched in the rain
but keep smiling while the raindrop pouring down to my eyes and kissed my lips

when I get back home, I took a bath, washing my hair
giggling alone, remembering what you said earlier

I remember "Turn Left Turn Right"

​

when the main characters just caught in the rain
after they got home, they took a bath, remembering the day that just passed with each other company
giggling just by remembering

feels like I just relive that part of movie

and then I search the movie's poster
I posted it on my FB profile pic
and then he liked it

and before that,
I stated on my status...
I prefer mc rather than car, because I could enjoy those rains

he should read it clearly it's all about him

let's this one ended with only happiness for today...

 

BEFORE U GO, I have let you go
let go, and if they come back, they're yours​

the last one is ended with happiness
but I'll end this one with despair

where should I start?

let's collect all the unhappiness I've been through
all the negative things...

when I'm with him, everybody asks us, wether we're together
and always all the time we tell the truth
we are not
even if the truth is painful for me

an episode of how I met your mother
about last word of a father before he's dead
I recall everything about my father's last word and my mother's
it's painful too but I try to let go the pain

from the first time ever I start this feeling
I know I'll never ever have him

he's never be mine

he's never be mine

he's never be mine

he's never be mine

he's never be mine

go wherever you would go
even if I won't let you go, I let you go
so even it's just counting days before you go,
I'll keep myself still, cos I'm letting you go

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MEMORIES, forever sweet
time is a flows of memories, so precious it could be remembered​

I start with fear...
If you ask me what could make me feel fear?
I won't say anything actually.
I'm afraid if you know my fear, you'll bring me one fear.

So I'll talk about something in general...
What female our age fear?
Getting old
Just as simple as the answer...
Man would laugh about it, sure you do right?

There are so much reason I could make you stop laughing.
But so much that could lead you to pity me... And a few might tell you that I'm just being unreasonable... But I hope some of you would understand.

The first reason is when I look back to my mother's life... I looked up to her.
Some of these are private life so...
See her life...
She got married at 30 yo, another year, I was born
Years passed as she live her life... And we came to 2005, to her death.

When I looked into her life, I remember how she died
She shouldn't be death on her age, she should live a long life
But I try to understand God's plans, He plans her a beautiful life after the one on this world, He plans her happy life with no struggle on heaven
There's no need to write all sorrow I had, but to lose a mother, you'll never be the same

What I fear from that experience is I going to die like her condition
I don't mean talking about her physical condition that time
What I mean is she can't see her daughter graduate from high school
She can't see her daughter graduate from collage
She can't see her daughter get married
She can't see her grandchild

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But that is LIFE, there are a lot of chances that I have to choose
Like which memories I should cherish and which one I should keep it on the back of my brain
Which reason should I choose for the best of me

A memory of a good and beautiful mother...
This one dedicated to my Mother

 

HEY GIRL don't be so sensitive
a melancholy of an imagination​

I really don't know where to start. So I start from an imagination. These thoughts shouldn't have been mine right now on my pages of life.
Maybe later when I'm already married.
A life at the office, a mother told us stories about pregnancy. How she struggle going through those day.

So if I have those chances or I imagining it now, I struggle a lot of keeping a baby inside. I should put it like this, I won't ever give it up, unless this angel gave up on me. That's if I choose you.
If not being chosen by you, I'll probably gave up.

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So just said it would be just like my imagination. And that is with you. If I would ever had the struggle, and if I would endure the pain, and almost lose the angel.

You have said to me,
If our a baby went through that, we should let go. Cause if not, either us that get humiliated or the baby that got imperfect life.

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So if it's turns out just like I wanted, and you and I got the rest of our happiness, and if the unpleasant thing become reality. Just please tell me the logic. So I won't got so sensitive, with all of those reality that I have an angel, a part of you and a part of me. Because the angel is gonna be so precious for me.