Just go on ... it's as simple as that ...

Your Life is the Sum of Your Choices

your life is the sum of your choices...

i'm somewhat sad, it's hard to control my emotion. mad just because a simple and stupid thing happened. and i can't stop it, nowhere in control.

if you can't be happy by yourself, don't expect the presence of others can make you happy. in the end, you're the only one who can make you happy.

i need to learn to be happy by myself. all this time, i relied too much on the others, and yes, while they surely can make me 'happy'. what happened when they're gone? or when they stopped doing it, when they did things that are not too good from my point of view. your happiness will be gone with them.

and yes, it won't make me happy for sure. also, people come and people go. there's no way u can stop them. and if you realized that you're better without them, then let go.

even when you think so high of someone, there may be a point when you doubt yourself. and at that point, you have to decide, to choose, on what's your next step will be.

that's why you really shouldn't rely your happiness on them. you have to be responsible for your own happiness. at least that's my opinion on this matter (for now).

and i choose to be happy (or so i thought)

i'm not a quitter!

 

Happy New Year!

P.S.
Happy New Year to you all!

Better late than never...

 

Turned Upside Down.

"You'll never know if you never try."

That's a pretty statement, but when you did try,,, but turned out it doesn't go the way you pictured it, you're truly fucked.

My mood was sky high these past few days, or maybe these past 2 weeks, until yesterday... It turned upside down! like 180 degrees. :

It's like, all the things that I've done are meaningless. I was a fool for thinking that everything's perfect, that everything's going the way i wanted it to be. I. Was. A. Complete. Fool.

It's true that you don't always get what you wanted, and yeah, life's not fair. But there's nothing you can do about it other than embrace it.

I regret nothing. At least "rejection" is a bit better than not saying anything, but of course it is far worse than getting a "yes". But who am I to dictate her an answer?

Do what you please, after all, that is your life, your own god damn life. no one can walks it for you. not even me.

Some days will be better than the others, and some are worse, that's life. Yesterday was really a nice day, gradually getting better and better, until.... she said her answer. It's a complete let down. It's like all the sweetness i tasted on that day vanished just like that, It's like, it's ripped off of me in an instant.

I won't give up though, at least not now. as i said before, I'm not a quitter, it doesn't change, and also, I do love her, and i want to try my best.

It's a few steps back, i know, but that's alright, I'm not fine (for now), but I will bounce back, at least that's what I want to believe.

When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. and i won't stop, not now. Time will tell whether we'll end up together or not, but until that day comes, I won't give up!

[video=youtube;O1-4u9W-bns]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns[/video]

 

Today's Special!

i'm feeling random today.

so i want to do something different.

as i said on the #7 post on this thread (P.S. u can click that number to go to the said post! ), i edited some posts above it, to gain some 'advantages' when i approached the second girl (which i also mentioned there, so if u haven't, go check it out!). basically, i lied to her (which i'm not proud of, of course).

so in this quite a random post, i want to show to 'the world' (yes, the world! you're not mistaken, this effing little world i live in ), the "original and unedited' posts of the said edited posts. why 'original and unedited' are between two apostrophes, because this time, i'll edit it too, but only to fix any grammar mistakes i found, but don't expect a perfect English sentences, because i'm not that good in English. and believe me, i'll just edit the grammar, not the content of the post!

why did i decide to do this? why? u asked why? because i can, and i want to, and as i said, i'm quite random today.

so, here goes.

#1 post (original and unedited).

Hmm...

today is "her" birthday...

i dunno if "she" is the "special one" for me...

but just thinkin' about "her" can makes me happy...

but i'm a hopeless boy who is difficult show my feelings to anyone especially girls...

i've failed many times because of that...really hope some brighter days will come...


think that's it for today...

hope i can continue this thread with a more beautiful story...

HAPPY BDAEE TO YOU
​

#2 post (original and unedited)

surprisingly! there are no changes i made here, of course you'll say that i lied, because there is a message at the bottom of this post that said there is an editing process happened, but trust me, i didn't change anything. but i do did that to make it not so obvious to her, that i lied. quite confusing to you all maybe. but in short, there are no changes here! but then again, i didn't ask you to believe me if you don't want to.

#3 post (original and unedited)

okay,,,its been a very very long time since the last time i wrote here...

i'm in a crush...hmm..

but not sure if what i feel is just another "ordinary Like" or not...

so, maybe that's for today..

kinda short..yup...

#4 post (original and unedited)

okay, here i am...

merry Christmas to everyone who celebrate it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

long story short, i think i really like that girl!

i've been chatting with her for about 2 weeks...

but i'm a coward *sigh

i need more courage to talk to her, in real life...

hmmm...

--------------------------------------------------------

i have many group projects that are due on next week..

but almost everyone in my group don't care about it..

i think i choose the wrong group *sigh-again

-------------------------------------------------------

to the girl i mentioned on the first post

yes, i know i used to like her..

but not anymore... it used to be a simple like though...

at the first, i think she is special, but no, she is just good looking...

that's the reason that made me happy..but again, not anymore. hahahaha

----------------------------------------------------------------

another addition

today is my first day of being a VIP member here...

congratss to mee!!

yeaaaa!!!

hahahahaha....

#5 post (original and unedited)

Happy new yearrrr...

these past few days are though days for me...

i have some really big problems!!!!

the 1st one is, i failed at one of my final exam just because i was late for less than 5 min....

shame on me...

not yet totally confirmed, bcos we (yes, we, bcos not only me that suffered this) give a complain letter to the univ quality control...

we were late bcos the lecturer never informed us to bring the exam course card on the final presentation day...

so i went back to my boarding house to pick the card...that's the reason i was late...

---

the second is, i, ehm. i don't know how to say it, i'm not sure i can call this love... but i totally fall for her....

the problem is, i don't have the courage like i mentioned before...yes i'm still working on it...good luck for me...

these past few days of course i made progress... i walked her home, and even she gave me a gift from her holiday trip...

is that a green light for me? hmmm....

i'm not sure if she feels the same, but, i'm the boy,, so i'm the one that should make the 1st move...

---

ok... not VIP member anymore, but VVIP...yeahhh!!!

#6 post (original and unedited)

ehmm..

control ur emotion Chriss!

its the only way u can be strongerr!!!

*sigh*...

be strong! i know u can . . . u r not this weak . . .


OK...

i know u failed this time Chriss!

but that is not the reason to stop....

u must go on....

ur life hasn't ended... get back on ur knees n keep fighting....

OK! finished!
yep! that's all of the 'original and unedited' posts. too long? you don't have to read it if you don't want to!
and i think this post is far too long to add it with more of my thoughts, so i think i'll just end it here...
maybe, just maybe, i'll post my thoughts on the next post today, again, maybeee... don't expect too much.

 

Dear Diary...

Hmm..
I'm thinking of starting a blog,
where i can put my everyday (or every-week/month/whatever) thoughts in it.
maybe a bit more like this place.
but first, i have to improve my writing, and i have to write more often. and i have to put more positive thoughts in it.
the difference? i don't know yet. i just want to reach more people (maybe). not that in a blog i can reach many people, but i don't know, maybe i can share the link every time i created a post.
but that means that the content needs to be more general. because in here, it's all too personal, where no one (at least not the one i know in real life) really cares.
and of course, it has to be interesting, not like this place. lol

---

second.
i don't know, some times, i love spending the time in silence, it's calming, but the other times, the silence is deafening!
that's more of my fault in my opinion though, because i can't really start a quality conversation with her.
and when i didn't talk, she won't. some times, one of us started talking, but there are no real conversation happening. and it sucks!
and yeah, it makes me sad. stupid me.
am tired of it.
and the fact that she rarely look at me doesn't help. she will look anywhere else but me. i know that (maybe) she's just shy to constantly look at me. but still...
it's like, we're physically together, but our mind don't! and yeah, it sucks, it sucks big time!
please don't give up Chriss!

---

negativity this, negativity that, promise to change this, promise to change that..
in the end, i'm still a loser, big one.
the biggest liar and bullshit talker I've ever met, is myself.
**** me. am depressed.
i need someone to talk to.
but here i am, screaming out loud in this empty room.
FML.

 

Yet another mistake from me. Constantly fell in the same hole over and over again. 'sorry' seems meaningless. It feels like it's the only damn thing I'm good at.

Before this week started (your last week we're at the same project site), i said to myself, that this have to be a good week for us. Yet here i am, barely through the 1st day.

Still far away from the kind of guy you deserve.. hufft

 

In the end, I'm not happy with how the things are. I'm not a tree though, i can (in fact, I have to) do something rather than just sitting here doing nothing.

One thing for sure, I love you!

Time to have a cold shower and going to bed, maybe...

Byee folks!

 

"are you happy?"
without explaining anything other than answering it with a "yes" or "no", i can say that "no, i'm not happy".

i think that's all for this morning , if i feel like to add more blabbering, i'll edit this post, or create a new one.

good bye, and good morning everyone~

 

hi my audiences! hope we're all OK.

hemmm.
i don't really know how to explain this.
maybe this is just me with too big of an expectation.
i like her, like, really much. and she does like me too.
but speaking about the 'degree' of our own feeling, that is another thing.
along the way, i learn that mine (my feeling towards her) is (maybe) way bigger than hers (her feeling towards me).

i despise days when i don't get to see her. i can't stand it!
but what about her? nope! she doesn't feel that way, (maybe) not even a slightest bit!
and that makes me a bit sad.
she can do a full week (even more) without meeting me, and she'll be OK.
while me, the very second that we part ways, i already missed her.
call me crazy, call me stupid. but that's me.
i don't know, she's doing OK staying at home a full week (and even more), and there's no chance i can meet her in those days.
i hate this kind of feeling. i miss her presence.

and yes, that's not in any way, 'wrong'.
it's fine for her not to feel the way i do. and it's completely fine for her not to have feeling as deep as mine.
it's fine for her not to crave for my presence.
that is not 'wrong', and i can't blame her.
but still, i can't say that "i'm ok" with this fact.

sigh...

please, let me be your sunshine too