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Just go on ... it's as simple as that ...

Discussion in 'Dear Diary' started by iceddeath, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. iceddeath M V U

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    Hmm...

    im quite sure if "she" is not the "special one" for me...

    but just thinkin bout "her" can makes me happy...

    but im a hopeless boy who is difficult show my feelings to anyone especially girls...

    ive failed bcoz of that...really hope somedays brighter will come...


    think thats it for today...

    hope i can continue this thread with a more beautiful story...
     
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  2. Ramasinta Tukang Iklan

  3. iceddeath M V U

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    hmm...im havin bad time this late 3 days...

    my neighbor accused me on doin sumthing i didnt do...

    i explained, but he didnt wanna hear...

    so ill just leave it as it is...as my lecturer suggest...
     
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    okay,,,its been a very very long time since the last time i wrote here...

    im in a crush...hmm..with the girl i mentioned before...

    but not sure if what i feel is just another "ordinary Like" or not...

    so, maybe thats for today..

    kinda short..yup...
     
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    okay, here i am...

    merry christmas to everyone who celebrate it.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------


    i have many group projects that are due on next week..

    but almost everyone in my group dont care about it..

    i think i choose the wrong group *sigh-again

    -------------------------------------------------------

    another addition :p

    today is my first day of being a VIP member here...

    congratss to mee!!

    yeaaaa!!!

    hahahahaha....
     
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    Happy new yearrrr... :)

    these past few days are though days for me...

    i have some really big problems!!!!

    the 1st one is, i failed at one of my final exam just because i was late for less than 5 min....:beku:

    shame on me...:hammer:

    not yet totally confirmed, bcos we (yes, we, bcos not only me that suffered this) give a complaint letter to the univ quality control...

    we were late bcos the lecturer never informed us to bring the exam course card on the final presentation day...

    so i went back to my boarding house to pick the card...thats the reason i was late...




    ok... not VIP member anymore, but VVIP...yeahhh!!! :top:
     
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    ehmm..

    control ur emotion chriss!

    its the only way u can be strongerr!!!

    *sigh*...

    be strong! i know u can . . . u r not this weak . . .


    OK...

    i know u failed this time chriss!

    but that is not the reason to stop....

    u must go on....

    ur life hasnt end... get back on ur knees n keep fighting....
     
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    im a j*rk...

    yes.. i edited my previous posts just to gain some advantages...

    the story is.. i used to like a girl... a girl from my 1st semester at university.. i wrote about her here... at the 1st post... it was about her birthday...

    but time passed... and i had a little crush on a different girl... and i edited my previous post to show it to the 2nd girl...

    but after it ended.... i think.. im a j*rk... bcos i lied... about this thread... i edited... and convinced her that this thread is about her (the 2nd girl).. where originally... it was for the first girl...
     
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    OH GOD WHY!

    when u have feelings for someone, (he/she)'ll b d most attractive person alive. but after that.
    [​IMG]

    yes. it is true! now, i don't like everything about her! maybe this sounds unfair. and shows what a jerk i am like i said on the my previous post.
    but yes, it happened.

    and i wonder, was I blind back then? :s she is definitely not a beautiful girl... and while i know i'm the jerk here... i really hope i can turn back time, before i started to talk with her... and won't do that for sure.

    an yes, that's what people called 'love' maybe.. because for me, i'll b interested in a woman mostly for her looks at the first time. because when she is not beautiful, she won;'t look attracted to me.. but there is an exception called 'love'... and maybe i mistakenly thought that feelings back then as 'love'...

    and if u wonder why i don't talk to you.. please! u have to know, it is impossible for me to do that, at least for now, and i already said it like million times!

    and to you. i'm sorry. but this is the truth...
     
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    kill me right?

    OK.. i'm still as foolish as i was... i did something wrong... yes... but, u did a mistake again? probably yes! but why u did it again, dont u afraid of God punishment? yes, im sorry, i did it again, and even there is a God who wants to punish me.. then i deserve it... sorry...

    but come on.. go get a life... dont b childish... i know what i did dont make any of u happy... but i did what i want to do.. this is my life, if u like it.. stay with me... if u dont... just stay away.. i dont mind.. in life. u cant make every single person happy. and u cant change it. thats how it works. so just live with it! or die trying.

    and if again u still dont understand. then just kill me, right? im the one to blame. and yes i know it. but it happened.. im really sorry and i mean it. but i cant change the past. please. i beg u. again. just live with it.
     
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    OK.

    here i am. again. after 14 months abandoning this so called diary.

    first of all. thanks to mod high_time for opening my locked thread :cihuy:

    ========================================================================

    this is my last semester at university. as time goes by, i'm getting nervous and more nervous for my last exam which is thesis defense. the schedule is not available yet, but i believe it is just around the corner. :iii:

    what bothers me most is the fact that (almost) all of my friends already finished their thesis defense! :ogohno:

    i have to ace this last exam. i have to! wish myself luck! :ngeselin:

    ========================================================================

    i think it is enough for today. hope i can write more in the future.
     
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    here i am again.

    a little depressed.

    i keep on pushing people away.

    i avoid happiness. i refuse to be happy.

    i'm miserable and i drag people down to my point too. i want them to be miserable.

    i hate everyone. especially when they did even jusy a littly mistake!

    i can't forgive, i can't forget. i want revenge. i hate them!

    i can't make peace with my past, i'm not ready for the future.

    i blame everyone. i refuse to be the one who is wrong.

    i'm a selfish bastard.

    and no one can change. at least that's what i believe.

    i want to get rid of the 2 people around me as soon as possible.

    i can't be with them any longer. they are a burden to me. they are parasites. fuckin' parasites!

    i need some guidance. oh please help me.

    and here i am shouting and screaming at this quiet room where nobody cares, let alone notice.

    **** my life.
     
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    i have to finish this as soon as possible.

    only by doing that, i can get rid of them.

    i want a little peace in my mind. i need it.

    and yeah, Moyes drags United to his fuckin' level. his mediocrity makes us suffer. fućk him!

    it contributes to my depressed mind too. especially when the scousers are above us.
     
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    my grandpa died today.

    i'm devastated.

    i love him.

    to be honest, i don't know him very well. but i still feel that i'm close to him.

    and i can't go back to my hometown to honor him for the last time because of my work here.

    i'm sorry, grandpa :( i'm sorry everyone..
     
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    here i am.

    staring at my notebook's screen.

    i feel drained. like really weak.

    my lovely club (manchester united) went 4 games without a win in this new season.

    just when i thought that things will get better,,, it's not

    that's how emotional i am.. i'm really affected even though i have no direct connection to manchester united. lol. that's stupid.

    but it shows how deep i love this club..

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    job life... now i have a new job, yeay! not really a fresh news.

    i've been here since the start of this month...

    i'm a bit scared of the challenges ahead. i'm afraid i can't deliver high performance that is expected from me.

    hope i can do it!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    love life... there is this one girl.. she's older than me (again)... 2 years older in fact (the same age as my big bro)

    i don't know... i just love being around her...

    she has a cute and sweet smile, a lovely laugh, and she's funny...

    but i'm afraid... i was not good enough, and am still not...

    there are many things going in my head...

    is she "the one"? i don't know... but i have to do something of course..

    nothing will change if i don't do anything.. yet i still can't decide..

    i'm hopeless.. stupid as always...
     
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    hiyaa all. long time no see! :yahoo:

    and by long time, i mean a few days!

    im at the office now, idle, just finished my work before lunch, i'm ready for some program testing, but the data's not ready yet.

    so i'm here waiting

    quite in a high mood actually, that's why i write here, now! :nikmat:

    she is beside me, just like everyday ! (well, every work days to be precise :) )

    she's busy now, but even when she is, she still looks really cute! :matabelo:

    is she 'the one' ? dont know, :???: but i want to believe that she is, of course. things are going well, and i really enjoy her presence. :XD:

    i dont know what bring us here, but i'm glad that we met! is it fate? :siul: dont know (again) !

    i think that's all for now. i hope i can write more in the near future, with a happier story (hopefully) ! :cihuy: :bye:

    But when love comes it can't be wrong
    Don't ever give up just try and try to get what you want
    Cause love will find the way....
     
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    I made her mad :(
    The problem is, i didn't listen. We have only 1 mouth but 2 ears so that we can listen more. And i learned it the hard way...

    I'm truly sorry, i didn't mean to make her feel sad, embarrassed, or mad. But i did it anyway. And yes, sorry is not enough. I have to learn from it, and be better.

    Instead of making excuses, i do want her to know that no matter what happened, my affection to her doesn't lessen in any way.

    Not really a good way to start this month. I feel bad, like really bad for doing such a thing to her :(
     
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    Hi empty room, Here i am again :) :peace:

    I'm writing from the 'office', client's office to be precise. i don't know why, i just want to write it down here.

    These past few days are somewhat hard for me to swallow. :sigh:
    I don't know... things are kinda bad.. maybe not bad, but it just didn't go the way i pictured it, the way i wanted it to be. And it makes me upset. :swt:

    I think what i really need right now is a more mature mind! i'm so childish that i can be upset even by a tiny problem (that's maybe not even a real problem at all! just my stupid mind that made it become one). :voodoo:
    And my worst trait, which i'm not proud of, "Not Wanting to Lose" got me again in many occasions this few days. I really want to get rid of that trait. Because of that, i mentally suffer, by a lot. :stress: :hiks:

    And there is a part of me that thinks i really should just give up. it makes me wonder, is she worth it? i do believe she is, but with my bad traits, i think i'm not good enough. I'm afraid i'll just end up hurting her, and myself of course. :kecewa:

    Another thing is, i'm starting to realize that my English skill is not good. I made many errors in writing or 'speaking' to myself. And i think i have to improve it. :belajar:

    Hope the future is brighter and i can write more positives thought here! :nangis: i have to continue my work, it wont finish itself. lol. bye :)
     
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    i'm not mature enough. i'm still the same jealous bitch i used to be, i still am. :ogohno:

    i need to be better than this. everyone has their own private life, their own freedom to do anything they want to do, and i'm not in the business of restricting anyone's free will.

    but the fact that they're so close gutted me. they are not together (at least not now), and not even me to be fair (we're still on our own), also, even married couples can have breakup. then, why should i feel this way, i don't want to get jealous, that's not healthy for the relationship. :sigh: but i just feel a bit upset whenever i saw their closeness. :kecewa:

    maybe that's one of my yearly "new year resolution" that i can never fulfill, a jealous bitch, at least not this year. and i need to get rid of thit trait as soon as possible. :voodoo:

    stupid me is just stupid!
    :sepi::sepi::sepi:
     
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    People Don' Change

    people don't change, at least not the way they wanted it to be. and i'm afraid of that. :takut:

    and it's a foolish thinking to think that you will change just for someone. if that's how you want to change, trust me, you'll end up as the same person you were. :awas:

    if you want to change, you have to change for the sake of yourself. change because you want to be a better person, not to impress others! :unyil:

    i have many flaws, and so is everyone. and i have to stop worrying about how people will see me. and while saying that, i'm of course aware that i can't be proud of my bad traits. those are things that i need to change. :ngeselin:

    but yes, i always said the same thing, over and over again, of my desire to change, but i didn't. :ohno: instead of that, i really need to start it, soon! :onfire:

    --

    last saturday, i met the second girl i mentioned in this little room before. the one i lied to. :kecewa:

    i met her because i thought i need to make peace with my past, with her. i've been really mean to her this past 2 years. and it's going quite well (or so i think!)

    i made some mistakes, and now i have to live with it. lessons learned. now i have to go on, be better than yesterday. and again, not just stop at saying it (be better, change, blah blah and what not), but actually doing it! :onfire:

    --

    and now, i want to talk about her. :ogsayang:

    to begin with, there is a saying that i wanted to quote here, because i really like it, here goes:
    "You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not." :ogmatabelo:

    i love that saying, because in a relationship, we aren't "searching" for the perfect girl! she's not perfect (neither i am), and that's perfectly alright. :semangat:

    this is not a voice of desperation, i do like her really much to a point i'm afraid to lose her, even-though she's not 'with me' (yet).

    but i have to realize too, that we're still in the process of knowing each other. and it's a never-ending process i think. there is no guarantee that we will live happily ever after. but if you love someone, of course you want to truly believe that she is 'the one'. :hmm:

    --

    my 2015 resolution:
    "Be more positive, not over-thinking things, and learn how to better control my emotion." :XD:

    i have to start doing it, and 365 days from now, i will evaluate on how far i achieved those things (i believe i can). :haha:

    to a better me! :lalala: :ogbye:
     
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