Friggin' Weird Diary by Some Random Sicko

New Entry #117

I guess it mainly goes like this: I want to hear and listen to things I want to listen. Get the things I want to, and I hoped that, everything goes according to my wishes. It's not about the results I think, but more about the hope itself, that keeps me going. It's about the same kind of hope that enables me to sleep when at first, I couldn't even get drowsy at the slightest.

The desire to dream begins with a simple hope, of things happening in the near or distant future. What do I want really? I know that in general I want things that made me happy, and I want for this happiness to last forever. Protect my own life for all the things that may occur, and let the entirety of these days be filled with good things, with myself staying away from possible calamities.

A simple wish, a simple hope. It enables me to sleep and dream when I don't feel like doing it. Will the days be filled with hope once again? I just hope it would. Once again, I let myself governed by none other truth than what I firmly believed in. Regardless of how wrong or right it seems, I guess it's the sheer faith that keeps me alive when life seems to have no meaning.

Someone said, that hope isn't enough to achieve results I wanted. I guess I don't really need results at the moment. I just want to learn, how to hope once again. So I could finally wash away all the bitterness in my heart. Let the flame of hope kept burning. Alas, I will welcome tomorrow with a brighter smile than today and yesterday.

 

New Entry #118

Sometimes, I felt like someone gave me a tap on the shoulder, saying : 'do you want to become a successful member of society?' I felt intrigued to a certain extent, but not much as to actually gave the best of my effort to pursue that direction. It's just, I kinda feel a certain kind of fakeness whenever I look at things standing on the top. It just isn't real. It just, you know, doesn't feel like reality. I don't want to lose my grasp on reality by moving towards that path. Where I belong, is more like, at the bottom, where I was mostly, yeah, unnoticed, except by few close people who lived ordinary lives, never wanting to become anything, just trying to live because they felt like it; they need no reason to live.

They just lived because they lived. I felt like, my reality will just crumble apart when I've become somebody--that is, if I ever had the chance to become one. I tried giving it some thought, and in the past, it seems to me, the only thing that matters to me, yet at the same time, it was much further in the past than it was now. It seems, the more I tried not to think of it as something important at all, the more it edges closer to me. The more I think, it becomes another part of my own reality. Still, I sometimes thought, will it be something truly fit for me? Contributing to the world that I don't even wanna care of? I don't know really, all this time, the thing I wanted to do was to find out who I really am. The monster that lives and resides inside me.

Only to find out, that there's not just a monster or a demon that's inside me. There's also an ounce of kindness or maybe even more, that I am definitely not pure evil, yet there's something inside me that refuses to admit the part of me that was actually, seems to be a good one. Maybe it stems from the belief that when one admits to something good, it's gotta be a lie, and one should just admit all the bad things, because every bad things are the truth. Even though it's already proven wrong so many times. There are good people beyond belief; there are prejudices beyond reason against them. Those that were already proven wrong way back and once over again.

Even if there's actually a part of me who wished to become a somebody, there's also, seemingly, a bigger part that refuses to take a step forward. I guess, it's a belief that when you grow bigger as a person, there will be more demands, more exhausting thing that demands you not to be yourself anymore. You will become the livestock of the entire nation, every single of your actions will be accounted. It becomes so hard on being yourself. It becomes so tough to breathe, to live freely and happily without a care in the world. The entire thing seems to be burdened on your shoulders, and there's no way to escape this meaninglessness. It was, a total rut. I don't want that kind of life. I want a life where I can just be myself, doing what I want, and getting what I want.

Guess, getting what I want depends on the way I took on getting it, somewhat. For now, I just want to, you see, finish the things I should do for now. That will make more room for, you know, things to come, and things to resurface.

Good night.

 

New Entry #119

Spoiler: Entry

It''s a case of frustration, but in the end, it all first came from a desire. A big, unrealistic desire. The action and reaction. Bigger the desire, so does the disappointments came. It was, the kind of disappointments that made the writings came. Unlike when one was happy, this feeling becomes quite unbearable, that there's nothing one can do but just spew it all out. Every ounce of feelings pent up, and cannot be contained further, or else something inside was gonna burst right through; rendering oneself broken. Due to all the hatred, regret--many feelings intertwined therein.

Not because one was happy, but because they have no choice but to do so, because it's totally unbearable to just sit put and do nothing while that unknown feeling begins tearing them apart from deep inside. Though, it all started from a desire, a really intense, unrealistic desire. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so it says. One gets stronger with all the hate, and the thing that pushes them forward. Maybe at first, they could just be content with everything they have if they were just think of all the happy things.

So they decided not to do anything, because containing all the happiness was something really bearable. The same could not be said by these negative emotions; they need to be spurted soon or else things will take it's toll. So it's probably one reason why one decides to do something--to vent out--to excrete. Just like when one wants to defecate all the poisons in the body. It's a defecation of the soul. Yet unlike the biological excretion, this kind of excretion sometimes could attract others. Some, or probably several of them, find themselves able to appreciate it.

I recognized my tendencies to only want to stick to those belonging on the same page, and the differences in opinions, views and beliefs really hurt me. It seems I don't really like to adapt, to adjust myself to something new I don't like, maybe I even hated this kind of thing, so I decided to quit while time was ahead. Before I find myself truly stuck and I couldn't do anything but the things I hated. I now know the one reason that will definitely make me start out doing things.

It's because that is truly unbearable to contain all of these feelings, and I needed to vent it out no matter what since it's eating me up, breaking me up. Things probably came when the shit happens, I was really quick to act it up, and become determined somewhat, even if in actuality, I'm not able to do anything. I don't really give in efforts to become happy. It seems I do not have such complicated standards to be happy, but when it comes, really comes to the thing when something bad happened, I felt like, my entire world's falling apart, and yeah, there's no other time probably, where I felt so ludicrously intense, such intense emotions pent on my desires.

My entire body almost seems like it has become a medium overflowing with energy, like a nuclear reactor probably. To reverse the situations into a state of equilibrium, where I can be happy, where I can always be happy. It probably starts as a pursuit of happiness, but, it's actually a result of reaction from all the unrealistic expectations, marked by the churning feelings that feels unbearable. So I finally put things into action--because I felt unhappy. It's because of unhappiness, not just boredom, but frustration, a high-pent frustration that drives me onward.

It may be something really foolish to say that I needed all those frustration to drive me forward. In my honest thoughts, there's only the thing about happiness, and to live my days as peacefully as possible, but that's where I was wrong. I need to move forward, I felt the need to be ahead of everyone else, since that way, I'd feel secure, I'd feel happy, I'd feel that I'm contributing something. That my life has a meaning, and all of that won't begin unless I felt frustrated enough to the point there's no remedy except taking action. This is, also the point where I started to take actual action.

I'm sick and tired of being really left behind. I'm really stressed out because I am lonely and it seems that no one needs me. That I am getting further and further from the help of various people that I really need the most. That I am doomed to live a life of insignificance, not able to even decide and truly turn my desires into reality. That every days will be marked with torturous sorrow I don't even want to think what it is. Maybe these desires won't come true. Maybe those desires won't be a reality. But, if I don't even desire anything, I might as well be dead.

I felt dead. I felt all left out of energy, of actually doing something meaningful, to preserve the memory of my days. Feeling much older than my actual age. Feeling that there's nothing left to do, nothing left to accomplish, just like a walking dead. Not truly living, even though I'm still breathing. All through the days I contemplated about what I really want to do, and it started out from many years back. The pieces of puzzle came out together, when I truly realize, what I actually felt during the time I started. A feelings of frustration so much, to the extent I even contemplated about committing suicide.

But instead, I write my first story. The one I posted on the internet. Even though in the end, I didn't finish it, and instead dropped it midway, I eventually know the thing which actually drives me forward. Which shockingly: it's not really happiness. Although it all starts from the desire of being happy and fulfilled, the actual driving force is from that other unbearable feeling. Yet, I know, that if I'm able to feel happy, I don't need anything much. Even though I felt out of energy, old and insignificance, if I can be happy, I don't need things much.

Despite all these unbearable feelings driving me forward, it's not something healthy. It's not something I felt I should strive for. I know it kinda beats the purpose of all these paragraphs way back as it somehow contradicts with the previous premises. Maybe, even if the actual driving force which made me able to do something, regardless of me not wanting to do it in normal conditions, or something that I don't find naturally doing--I still want to stick in those that I can do, and continue doing, even if, in case, I felt fulfilled, and I don't really need anything else.

Something that I felt like doing for the sake of doing it, not out of all these other desires. This is, what I believed to be my true calling. Of course, I guess the security and fulfillment comes firsthand, to feel meaningful each and every day. To accomplish something. This is what comes after that, to sustain myself where I am at the top. Things that doesn't change when I have attained everything. Eventually, I will come across the truth as I go on. The truth about myself, and about the world around me. My destiny, my fate, my everything. The pieces of puzzle that came on together.

I guess it all starts with a belief, that when one attained power, their true characters will unfold. I am the one who wished for that power, so I would be able know myself: what I wanted, what I needed, the kind of thing which I truly belong. It all started with myself questioning things, and my inability to accept
them as they were. With that power, I believe I can grab hold of things, and protect myself from everything. Every single thing, towards infinite scales. I sometimes imagine myself being in that position where I have achieved things. But in the end, I haven't. Things had just getting started, as always. It's a never ending road.

Maybe I won't know where I finally went to that point. It may take on forever. I may even die before I even came halfway or quarter-way. I may even grew old or senile, or even losing my way so many times, I eventually had forgotten how I came to be in the first place. Forgetting the entire meaning of what I'm striving for, and how all this journey started. Even so, I wished, with all the desires I have, so I could always be back in track, or at least always walking down the right path, which leads me towards the destination.

Though I can say, that I am not really eager. I preferred taking things little, one by one, rather than getting myself overwhelmed. Still, I'd like to get ahead. I'd like to be the ones leading on things. I'd hate to be left behind all the time.

Oh well, I guess I've gotta start changing my course of action in hopes I'll finally achieve better results.

 

New Entry #120

Okay, let's just be honest here. There is someone I want to challenge. Well, not exactly challenging, but someone I want to defeat. I guess, that person had rose towards power and now seem to arrogantly stomping at those below them. I hate that kind of person. Just because they had talent and achievements, they think that the world revolves around them. Sometimes I kinda wished a world where others won't have superiority over one another. The world where we were equal, and what makes us better than others was just, personal preference. So, when one took their opinions like it was a fact of sort, and try to push it down everybody, it brought me on my nerves. I really hate it.

Even though it's already proven many times, and even though it's already like a golden rule or something, it probably doesn't matter if I agreed with it or not, I just don't like if they're deliberately forcing things upon people. Really, I don't want to care whether their intentions were, but if they're doing something I don't like, I can't sit around like nothing was happening. At least, I want to try writing this entry. Tell about my own feelings as they are. I know that, I couldn't let this going on any longer. Well, rather than going about it, I believe the best thing was to talk over it with the ones I could trust.

I believe, that even though I want to challenge that person, I don't believe that I will win for sure. It's just something childish of me to think about it. Though I want to believe I can win. Even if, it's just something meaningless. It won't change anything. The hate won't dissipate, and we'll just go on our own beliefs without trying to understand one another. Maybe this is the cause and effect of pursuing a similar goal, but by an exact opposite method. I don't know what kind of thing was their goal, but I guess I want to reach the top so I could relax. Going as fast as I can, so in the end, I could go as slow as I can without any worries.

Am I really doing that, I don't know. I just kinda feel, the time when both of us clash is imminent. So best not to be thinking 'bout it too much. I think, I need to, really, be myself, be who I am. This is what I honestly believe, and may my own truth guide me towards the right path.

Amen.

 

New Entry #121

There are things you have to do, even though you really don't want to. There are things you really want to have, but seems so far beyond reach. It's quite easy to be frustrated so much, when these expectations couldn't be met. When all these effort didn't really amount to anything--nothing at all. One begins to question, what's the point of working so hard, what's the point of living. As for myself, I wish I didn't have to bother myself with anything. I just want to think about what I want, and decide my course of action based upon it--what I really desired. All that matters is just taking the appropriate action, to manifest it towards reality.

Maybe, to be satisfied, one must not concern themselves with the results, and instead, try to live in the present and enjoy the process, no matter what happens next. All that's left is just enjoy, waiting peacefully, waiting for the best to come. I sure, in these times of uncertainty, wished and hoped for the best stronger than ever. Even if the outlook looks grim, so does the magnitude of wish, as it goes even intense until I've finally calmed down, and continue on my path.

Yeah, I felt like, the days had been much easier than it was in the past--it certainly has been improving. Looking back then in the old days, I suffered a lot more than what I did in the present. Now, I just want to express my gratitude, for whatever it is, that guide me towards the path where I could be at peace. Life probably couldn't be much better if it weren't for you. I know it's not just me who decides to make my life better, but there's also external factors that made my wish come true. I am not alone, yet most of times I felt myself being all alone.

Truthfully, there are many forces standing beside me, so many it could fill up an entire nation, if I could harness their power and use it for the best. Maybe it's just something absurd, but it's something I really feel, or at least something I want to believe. Though, it might be a short while before the truth unveils.

Until then, I just want to relax. Good night, once more.

 

New Entry #122

Because no one else would care about it besides yourself, you decided to give it the most attention. You know full well, that there's a lot of better things out there, but no matter how bad it is, that thing is the only one that shines the brightest.

There are many great things from others, but there's only few of them you could made. Maybe, not all of them are great, or even good. But you know full well, that it's the thing you can do, only you can do, even.
It's one of the selected few, that you can take pride for, the thing you can call yours.

It may be lost in the ocean, swirling with so many great things. In your entire life, no one probably paid it any attention, but when you've done it, when you've working on it with all your heart, you know full well, that it gives you a feeling like never before, unfolding a world you haven't seen before. A very special feeling, indeed.

That's why, even though you somehow forgot the reason, you find yourself coming back to it, every now and then. Sometimes to the point you've forgotten the task at hand, because you don't like it, you don't love it. Even if the future might look grim, what truly matters are the things that you loved the most.

There will be no regrets, no matter what will happen. You have given it your all.

 

New Entry #123

"Senpai will never notice you."

"You want to be someone much better, so senpai will start noticing your efforts."

"That is no use though. Senpai won't look at someone who tries too hard to not be themselves."

"Doesn't matter, right? You want appreciation for your hard work. You want to know, that everything you've had for this moment actually bears some kind of fruit."

"You have tried something. There's already enough times you tried, only yielding the same results. It's apparent that you have improved, that you have matured and grown as time passes."

"Still, senpai will only look at the direction senpai wants, and it's never directed at you. Before you know it, senpai doesn't notice you as someone who admires, but rather as an enemy, as a rival to be crushed."

"It's quite a frustrating thing, isn't it?"

"Well, I guess, it's much better, than living the days that were completely monotonous and empty. At least, from this experience, it adds some colors to spice up the days as they went by."

"Farewell."

 

New Entry #124

Well you know, at times it's quite hard to do an actual action. Still, it's better repeating the same action over and over rather than not taking any at all, I think. It's okay to recuperate for bit by bit, but when you finally get your eyes upon the goal, you just take it easy. One at a time, taking little steps toward the goal. Some said, same action gave same results, but I believe we do things differently each time. We're not robots, who did everything exactly as it was instructed. So in any case, simply taking action one after another will produce something different, even if it's not exactly what we had imagined.

Maybe you felt bored or something due to that. Rest easy. Just do something else. Something, that you can keep doing forever without getting bored. We always breathe, we usually sleep, we eat, we drink and excrete. I kind of thought, the calling of life has something to do with things you can joyfully do and keep on doing, just like breathing and such. It doesn't matter if the doors won't open. There's no such thing as an opportunity in the first place, there's no such thing as chance. It's just, your decision. To take it, or leave it. Simply put, it's the thing you decided, not the things that came by out of fortune.

I like the notion that there's no such thing as luck or chance, but rather, something we attract, something we create. One might say, no we don't attract such kind of misfortune, and the most of thing that we realize is lost, is something we didn't even realize in the first place. The thing that happens might be those we couldn't see coming at all. I guess, when we think about something, whether good or bad it is, made us possess it. We attract it, we kept it as we thought of it. It may not always be right, or maybe it's not even right at all, what I've said before. I just kind of, wanting to believe that, I could attract things that I want and repel things I don't want. I don't really understand it, but that's what I thought.

One thing I wanted the most, is power to make my dreams come true, and to repel all the nightmares that may follow. I don't know how I could get that power, but I guess, I just want to try something to see what works and what doesn't. If nothing really works, I'll just keep on doing things that I believe in. Even if it doesn't or won't come true after all, at least I've made another memory I'll treasure for the rest of my life. A memory of wanting to challenge reality, to make these absurd goals manifest. There's nothing to lose. I felt a surge of energy, and from today on, I'll slowly but surely, breaking free.

 

New Entry #125

Spoiler: entry

Guess it's true, based upon what I've read while back, that all of the ideas doesn't really matter. It doesn't make actual advancement of something. Some things certainly did stay the same as usual. The main reason of these ideas is to discern your friends and foes. One smart advice on life as follows : stick into a certain set of ideas for the rest of your life, and you'll set. Know exactly, the kind of idea that you will follow for the rest of your life, but remember to stay on the grey area in the name of flexibility. You'll never know when you're going to change, when you're going to have your internal values altered by outside impact.

Speaking of which, I kind of, you know, able to lose the attachment towards a certain place, if the people changes, had their sets of beliefs and ideas that I didn't agree with. Sure, I can just go and force my beliefs on them. I know that it will be meaningless though, so I decided to leave, along with the remainder of people who shared the same beliefs as me. I'm not really open to ideas, especially those that I deem to be really unpleasant, and thus I associate lots with bad memories. Something that for whatever reason it is, makes me feel bad, and I don't want anything to do with it, not anymore.

I guess, no matter how hard I force myself on being open-minded, there's always a time where I will draw the line, since if I didn't do so, people will come and force themselves on things I don't want anyone, ever, to intervene in the slightest. Alas, here I am, struggling alone, like the way I've always wanted. There's still quite a long way to go before I could somehow proclaim myself independent. At the very least, I know things I like, and the things I dislike. Years went by, and I've experienced a lot of things on the way. I began to find myself drawing the line, that's more apparent than ever.

As a result, I began to distance myself away from people. Just a little thing able to make me stay away. It's not my game, I don't wanna be involved in this, not a single bit. Just make myself disappear from them and I don't wanna have anything to do with this anymore, even if it's actually a part of my own history. Well, often times I couldn't help but keep hating on those simply because they liked something that I disliked, or simply had different opinions. I'm not the only one who thinks of that too.

Still, it's either my way, or not at all. I won't ever, yield in to the ideas that I hate. I could somehow compromise if the other party was somehow able to convince myself, what on earth does it has something, that could really benefit me in the long run. Though, most likely, they won't care. They just don't care. I too, had stopped to care because of that. I could only think about myself, and somehow convinced, that everyone else only thought about themselves.

I could somehow live by because of people who shared their ideas and beliefs with me. I could live because there are things I loved and cherish. The vice versa also deemed true. Knowing that there are things I hated, diminished my hope on living, so I don't want to think 'bout that, I don't want to think, that there's even something wretched like that existing before my face, ever again. Oh well, enough with the hate talk now. I guess at times things that I really hate could do some justice and fun, in some ways.

I'll just roll by to see what happens next.

 

New Entry #126

Spoiler: Entry

I think, it's been a while, a really long while indeed since I've had an unpleasant day. I don't know how should I put it, but having something bad happening once in a while truly gives me a shock. The only good side from it, was me finding out instantly, what I actually want to do. Sure, I have written it many times before in this journal, but I felt really lazy re-reading all of this again. I know that this time, even though it's probably just something trivial for others, it makes me feel like, I've truly had enough. I don't want to meander within this charade any longer.

I don't want to learn things I don't like. I don't want to continue on being this way. Yet, I still kept doing it just to save face, to make up an excuse for distancing myself away, to escape. It's been my indecisiveness, which somehow lead me astray. Yeah, I know that, I have something else I want to do, but climbing the stairs to my dream early this way back feels like a torture, even more than the actual thing I have to go through. Something becomes so pitch black and scary, I felt like screaming on top of my lungs due to fear.

The only thing that makes me able to sleep, is when I dream something far-fetched. Like, I have this power to entirely turn my live in my own favor. Why can't I just achieve it in real life? I forgot, it's because it's real life after all, that I can't really do this. Just before, I don't think it's necessary with my life being truly at ease without any worries, but since I felt something bad, it becomes absolutely necessary and I want it right away.

I truly yearned it, my life of relaxation, of vacation-like feelings. That helps me do things at my own carefree pace. Of nothing to ponder about seriously, only filled with enjoyment and fun, basking within the joy of youth. Jumping forth and walking within the briskly days, a warm breeze of victory. Even the scent of rain within ground welcomes me. Every something in this life be simple, and I can easily understand.

It's been some ideal I kind of yearned for, but haven't able to picture so clearly due to my lust in power, and other needless things at the moment, which diverts me from focusing. I guess, I can have that kind of life if I wanted to. I felt it's really tough explaining to others about my own ways, which I deem quite unorthodox. Especially to those who had put so much trust and faith to me, so I can do well in this endeavor. The ones that provided me financially.

In short, I think it's money after all. My main problem lies in money, and it's a shock that I kind of value that person based on money, not their love, not their affection. I find it impossible to understand others, and I probably didn't really want to understand them. Things has to go on my way, and I'll make it go my way whether they like it or not, or they can just leave and don't have to come back. That I'm able to do things all alone, not necessary to rely on anything.

I think, I've got a good grasp of what it's like, if I had all that money and power at my disposal. The quite endless sum, which could never be taken away. Things to make so many things belonging to me, and will do so at my will. In the end, I will devalue others, and only judge them based on how well they agreed with me. I kind of stopped thinking of many people as human beings. Even if they were there, I somehow thought they didn't exist, that none of their actions or words did matter, just because they were not interesting.

Like the people within the backgrounds of a story, never to be named. Be there one moment, never appearing again, will completely be forgotten. Even more so, to those I hate, I will reserve a special place, where within my mind dwells something so unbelievable, I couldn't even began to fathom how I could think about these things. That is, when something crossed my line of tolerance, which was really low enough for me to snap out any moment, if I had that power. My inability makes me unable to do so, I've got to learn patience, even if I didn't want to.

So, here's one big question for me : how do I get all this thing at my disposal? How will I get through the days if I didn't have anything like that to hold my ground? Which brought me again to this present moment. I have realized something, that even without all the money and power, or other things else that somehow gave me an edge--I endured it all, with me being just a little person of no significance. Maybe it's filled with gruesome pain and I felt like committing suicide at times, I felt like this life is unfair, but I could find the beauty of living my life like all of those didn't exist. Living the dream, even if it's just a simple one.

Though, I think, it has no meaning for now, the thing that works out for me in the past, probably won't work in the present. What I could take on before, doesn't mean I could still endure for now. I will never know how long I could endure this through. Do I really want to live a kind of life I've always wanted? How am I going to do it, if I couldn't even find some way to accomplish it? I think, the answer is simple : dreams. Keep on dreaming things I've desired: strongly, tenderly, with all affection and love I could give, and I always see the doorway to everything, opening before my sight.

Even if I'm just something insignificant, a character within the background of a big story, I have something to do, something to achieve, and I will always achieve them. This may be a bold claim, but it's true that if I had something I want, I will get it. Even if it means lowering my standards so I could always get it within each of my attempts. Maybe I've get to go through things painful, but in the end, I will gain something far outweighs what I endure.

Oh well, if I keep on talking about it, this will have no end. I think I could even write a novel-length something about it. Things I will probably keep only for myself. This much will do for now. Goodbye, good night.

 

New Entry #127

I guess, from what I've read way back there's a few kinds of people. The one that make things happen. The one that watch things happen, and also the one who asks 'what happened?'. I think there's people who don't really care what happens out there. They don't really need to prove anything to the world, and just carry on with the current life without a single care.

What kind of person do I want to become? I kind of want to make things happen, to see my dreams coming true. Watching great things happening up close is great too. I can also ask 'what happened' to also watch along and still reaping the benefits. even if it's not there nearby and I'm not witnessing it. Lastly, I can also try not to care about things too much because there's something more important I need to focus on. From that point on, I'll start to not care about anything else and actually make something happen. I guess it's a cycle. From asking what happened, then watching similar things happening along the way, in the end you choose not to care or to care about something, and in the end you made things happen.

Probably, depends on your objective. Something can be attained, something else probably don't. Not in the now though. It may have to wait, for who knows when, and it still probably won't come. Though, most likely, I kinda stumbled upon it by accident as I attained it. That kinda happens as I look on my past records. It's all just some sick coincidence. Kinda sounds like, why bother trying when you'll get it in the meantime. I guess, I'm mainly stumbling upon it since I'm walking on that path I've chosen, and before I finally realized it, I've got it along the way.

I've tried asking myself a lot of times, what do I want to do? My answer is quite simple : I wanna have lots of fun, and be fully comfortable with my life, without having to do stuff I don't wanna do. Still, I kind of know, that it underlies a lot of everything in between. So much, that this amount of words won't do it justice, but if I were to take it simply, here's my lfie goals, everything, all of it. Now, I'm gonna go and attain it. That's all.

Well, it's not a success guarantee but I kinda see it working little wonders from time to time, so I guess that's enough for me. Okay then, let me wrap this up for now, see you next time.

 

New Entry #128

There are lots of things in this world. Far too many to get myself preoccupied. The thing is, if I ever tried to get on with the times and keep following up, I would realize that I'm too far behind. The pace of things generating itself has been getting so much. The world getting larger, with streams of abundance coming in far too enormous.

Add that up, for the old things that kept on existing, and it would kept on piling until no end. It might be forgotten, but as long as there's a way to obtain it, things will always exist, and always will be. Far too many things, in the end I can only choose a few of them, maybe a billionth of a fraction, most likely even less. Add that up with all the things mixed up within the vast universe, I'm just a very small part, infinitesimally small and without significance.

Each day, I kept myself preoccupied with few things, once at a time. It took quite some time to move on from one thing to another, and mostly kept things that made myself happy. I'm happy with just few things for a long time, and as the time goes, I've been neglecting so many things in one way or another.

Even if they're so close to me, becoming the part of my own environment, I've totally neglected it, because I don't feel like involving myself with it. The thing is, it already became a some sort of detrimental effect on the aberration of my own space, it left many things further dirtied and abandoned. Dust kept on accumulating, and I remembered once again how I often did not clean up my room and scrub my bathroom. It's all dirty and infested with germs and stuff. Unhealthy living space for unhealthy person. Yeah, that's basically something not really pleasant to have.

I want to clean it up myself so much, but the mood never seem to come. I guess I'll have someone to clean up after it though. Anyways, I've been a bit too preoccupied with gaming lately, which causes me to neglect a lot of other aspects I used to be doing a lot. Maybe next time, I'll try balancing things out for a better kind of life. See you next time. Sorry if I haven't been updating this in a long while.

 

New Entry #129

For a change, I'd be writing something bit much shorter than usual.

I want to do something different for today too. Less games and a bit more of everything else I kept on been neglecting. Hopefully, I'm finally able to get back on track.

 

New Entry #130

Changing my way. Today's going to be a starting point, where I will change how I do things. I realized many things I haven't before. The unpleasant turn of events happening lately brought me to this decision. I need to do something for my own future. That I at least can change. The days can be fun like usual, and I can rest easy each day. It may just a small glimmer of hope, but it's something very important to me. How do I change? I used to think, people will never change and it's no use trying to do things. No matter how hard you change yourself, things will always stay the same.

What if, that belief wasn't right at all? Here's my chance to find out. Maybe it will be my one last chance before everything gets too late. Then again, there might be nothing as too late for changing my ways, to save me from something unpleasant happening within the future. Aside from all that, have a toast for yet to be another peaceful day, hopefully.

 

New Entry #131

I realized one thing, that fun isn't the most important thing in this life. It's still a very important thing though, but the most important thing to me might be about keeping things in moderation. Somehow, I kinda caught up to something after all these downs and myself immersing too much in gaming, that I forgot many things I have to do, and as the result, many aspects of my life has been deteriorating.

Especially that I felt so lethargic, unable to do anything beside laying down and not moving much. It's kind of, me sinking down and down to another abysmal level. I felt pathetic, and I felt I just can't help it because I find something that's fun to do. Not knowing if, one day, these things will be the end of me, be the ones that made me suffer so much, so I guess I'd better bail out before it's too late.

Once again, I realized that fun isn't the most important part, I want to do something that has meaning, that made me realize, I have been accomplishing something I have to do, that is actually important, not wasting my life in it. I can say, that I don't regret wasting my time in games though, since it taught me one thing, about what is the most important part, what I have to do.

I want to do things in my own pace, and somehow, games doesn't always let me do what I want, instead, assigning duties and responsibilities that kept me off from deciding what's truly important, and because I was so excited and enthralled, I forgot it and just comply myself, rasping for absolute obedience since it enticed me in with those pleasurable feelings. Yet, it's probably both fortunate and unfortunate, that it's not all fun, and there's also something unpleasant, serving as a wake-up call.

While I certainly felt jeopardized due to this turn of events, of me not being able to do shit at games, and suddenly failing to accomplish what I want to do in games, it made me turned my mind to something else, something that I always seem to forget while ago, while I was being productive, while I was making lots of memories in the past. Something, that made me felt significant. Most of all, I felt like, I'm able to set my pace the way I want to, even though it's been held up by many things, I broke through and finally achieved my independence, albeit for just a short while, a really short while.

That freedom and independence ultimately lead to my other downfall. It's not because of a bad influence from my friends or whatnot, it's my own decision, and it's my own fault, for not listening to what I believe is the most important. I reaped what I sow, a fruit, that's both bitter, fun, yet meaningful. I guess this is the taste of reality, with all flavors mixed, been taken at the same time. Both pleasant and unpleasant. I still have quite some time to move on, now let's start making history.

 

New Entry #132

There's many things I've been missing out, and I kinda thought about it lots of times. I also couldn't really control my urges when it comes to having fun; it's quite impossible for me to do things in moderation, especially when it gets so exciting and it completely fills up my mind, making me unable to escape it. Honestly saying though, I didn't wanna do things even if I think I should do it. My main concerns came out from the idea, that this life might be over in any moment. I wouldn't waste it on things depressing and just live my life like I want to, which is mainly about having fun and giving in to my desires. If my life's going to be over right now, let me spend it in the way that makes me appreciate it the most, as a final goodbye.

Still, it seems more as I enjoy it, I feel my lifespan being prolonged so much, that even when a hundred years pass by I will still be alive and kicking. There's just, I'm finding a lot of really good things out there, and as the time goes, many more good things are added for me to enjoy, makes me wonder, am I really going to live forever? Guess there's always the time when bad things happen, but it doesn't seem that way recently though. Many happy things happening instead, I began to appreciate this life even more than ever. One of them was games. Things had been getting much better, and I couldn't thank you enough to whoever and whatever able to make me feel this way. Now this is the time where I will move on forward, briskly walking through the paths without much care in the world, because it's the way I want to live, something happy and pleasant without things to worry about.

So yeah, time to catch on to lot more good stuff.

 

New Entry #133

Spoiler: entry

Thinking about it, I started writing once again not because I want to have fun. At first, it's for having fun, but if I'm just up to it for fun, I'd just write something one time and abandon it forever later on. The thing that really gets me going, is definitely not having fun. At that time I was like, my mind been in shambles, in a deep trouble, and yeah, I feel the need of communicating my feelings, even if no one will hear me out. If I held those feelings in any longer, I'm afraid that I would just break apart. So, in attempt to save myself, I write, letting out my feelings in the form of words.

When there's no hope left, I write. What matter is that I tried, and that by itself, was the turning point that made me able to become stronger. As long as there's something troubling my mind and I must express it no matter what, I can't just quit writing, it will continue on and on forever. It was quite different however, if it's the thing about writing a story. This way of thinking, of merely expressing your feelings out, didn't really help when it comes to making something of coherence. Especially not in writing your usual kind of story, but if I can devise something, it's possible to write a story with no regards of structure or coherency and just bolt out whatever, let the feelings flow. Just honestly write what's on my mind, no matter good or bad it is.

I guess, the main reason why writing a story felt so hard and frustrating is, that I'm forcing myself to go with the structure that I find not compatible with. By experience passing, I realized something, that my cup of tea might not address when it comes to writing a story. I do not care about stories that much, if I might say so, especially about writing it. This thing takes too much effort if it's just about entertainment, and if it came across as conveying a message, I'd rather write it in a straightforward way rather than forcing myself upon a certain kind of structure just to impress people. The same thing can be said about reading, and also my preferences of reading.

As with writing, reading takes effort, at times it's much more difficult due to the nature of certain written texts, as compared to just writing the way I want to. So, most likely, rather than broadening my horizons by understanding the differences between me and the Author, I'd rather quit reading and threw it away because I don't like it, because it's not my preference. I don't want to get into something I will not end up liking anyway, and better not waste my time on it, in the notion that I've got much better things to do. For example, spending my time on things I love, and things I deemed precious, that makes me appreciate life.

Sure, I guess it's somewhat needed if you want to be a professional or something, catering to different tastes to make your book sell, but as for me, I write just for my own amusement, and for my own benefit alone. I don't find it's all worth it to pursue that kind of path, of trying to satisfy everyone whom I could care less for beside their wallet's worth, and despite all that, I also know, that it doesn't gave all that much of earnings, most of them, except if you're popular enough and sell enough, and that's not the kind of world I wanna get myself into. I could give lots of reasons, but I'm sure that's not the thing you wanna hear. You probably heard about these things already, of someone who at first unpopular but ends up selling themselves to the industry anyway.

So, let's talk about something else.

I wrote before, about not wanting to get into things I disliked. Yet, sometimes I just couldn't get out of it no matter what. Things doesn't always flew the way however I want to in life. I have to face it, and I have to take it on. Still, in the end, when I got my priorities straight, I will have nothing in my path, and nothing else of my spare time instead of confronting it, getting it over with. So, it's mainly because I have nothing else better to do, I decided, to finally start this battle. I know, trying or not trying doesn't really make such a difference in the long run, but I kind of want to make this momentum last longer. Not because of securing a future, I just, kinda want to do it, that's all.

So yeah, off you go, and off me go too.

 

New Entry #134

Let's talk about what's been happening in the last few days. I could say that things aren't going very well--I don't have fun as much as I used to. Maybe because the things I'm doing had become quite saturated; even what used to be fun would become tedious over time. I often thought: what am I doing with my life? Am I just wasting it on some days ago? I haven't been doing anything worthwhile lately. For your notice, things worthwhile doesn't really include studying for tests--I kinda, you know, tried abandoning the idea of doing things because of so-called duty and responsibility, just wanna narrow it down to things I wanna do and things I don't want to.

It's more about developing a certain mindset. For getting things I want--if I don't decide what I wanted, I will most likely get things I don't want. Still, even if I managed to have lots of fun, the sweet might turn to sour later on; I still gotta move elsewhere. This diary entry marks the point I will try something new once again. Before, I kinda closed myself off and do my own thing, but even that might come to end someday. So, what will I do now? I probably would just do something else that seems fun.

Later.

 

New Entry #135

This is quite strange indeed--I find myself engrossed in writing stories. Not your usual kind of story, but a much more simpler one. Just a simplistic plot device without twists and turns, just a peaceful adventure. That way, I can add many things as I desired, adding things in moderation while still exerting the fullest control, in addition of making myself able to take things easy. Slow and steady, once at a time, writing it bit by bit, churning the chapters, written in few words, forming chunks of separate stories all interwoven together, until it reaches the end.

The plot is going to be quite predictable, and easy enough to figure it out. I'd like to include everything that's going on in the story within the prologue, letting all the readers know when this will head out. No need to hide anything, no need for any foreshadowing. I just like the way Mr. Kurt Vonnegut writes his stories. In a manner that's quite easy to understand yet entertaining. Even though I didn't really like to read, when it comes to writing, I could kept going on for hours just thinking about next scenario.

From before, when I just kinda write haphazardly, I did similar thing, although the plot device was too complex for me, to the point it becomes very restricted, making me so uncomfortable about writing the next parts. Nowadays, I'm really thankful, that I somehow am able to get to the point, where I can start writing the way I wanted to. With the freedom to proceed the way I want to, without being restricted to so many things, unlike when I first started.

Thinking about it, a lot of sacrifices had been made for me to finally reach this moment. I could say, it was finally worth it, and I could say, the journey along the way was truly precious. It made me felt alive when I felt life no longer has any meaning. Maybe, right now I had found my calling of life, or it's always had been but the circumstances of life had made me change course. Regardless of everything, I finally gained back the things I lost, and attained things to make me go further on.

A peaceful kind of life that I always wanted, with writing stories in a way that makes me go into a fruitful journey. Aside from all that, I wish for the best of luck on this day, hope it will continue as long as ever.