Fairy's World

more amoxapine

meh, this medicine makes me crazy

 

Spoiler: seandainya

Seandainya semua orang diberi kekuatan yang sama untuk menanggung sebuah beban, takkan ada kasus bunuh diri gara-gara depresi atau semacamnya. Taruhlah sebuah perumpamaan. Hewan-hewan di hutan memiliki berbagai jenis keahlian yang tidak dimiliki hewan lain. Ada kera yang pandai memanjat, ada ikan yang pandai berenang, ada burung yang begitu lincah terbang diangkasa. Jika kelak, semua hewan diberi ujian berupa tidak bisa terbang, pastilah ikan takkan terpengaruh dengan ujian tersebut, dan burung akan sangat menderita kareanya.

Hidup merupakan sesuatu yang kompleks. Ia tak bisa dipahami hanya dengan bagaimana kita memandang suatu hal dari perspektif kita masing-masing.

Meski demikian, banyak orang diluar sana yang masih saja menganggap suatu hal menurut anggapannya. Saat seseorang kehilangan dompet, temannya akan berkata, "Ah, hanya dompet." Saat seseorang depresi akibat kehilangan orang yang dicintainya, orang sebelahnya berkata, "Jangan jadi orang cengeng." Dan masih banyak lagi larangan-larangan dan saran-saran lain yang meski menurut kita membangun, namun berakhir menyesatkan.

Tiap-tiap individu memiliki kemampuan yang berbeda dalam menerima suatu masalah yang sama persis.

 

Haunted. Haunted by the same nightmare every night just make me wants to erase this memories. Even after I deny and cut my ties with almost all of them, why does this nightmare still exist? I don't understand. That ritual, it's traumatic even until now, yet many people continue to stand for it, even when they denying it.

Seeing that behaviours of you guys, you all should just disappear...

Just what should I do to make this nightmare disappear from my mind?

 

Sometimes, we have to erase our past to move forward.

But, hell, how can the past be erased? It happened.

It was, and yet it is, right there, on your mind. It sticks on your mind until you die.

Dammit!

 

Spoiler: My Wish

Back then, I was such a rebel.

As a vice president of student council, I was supposed to be a leader of some sort. I never know why I left that position five years ago. Part of me wanted to blame myself for what happened, for keeping my commanding officer without assistant.

But the other part of me kept telling me that it was the right thing to do. Rather than keep getting involved on what you don't really know about, it is better to just silence. That's what the other part of me said to myself, over and over.

Maybe I was just making execuse, but come to think of it now, I think it was really a good decision.

That's right.

I don't want to be a rebel anymore. I don't want to get on the street, yelling and making chaos with the cops. It's not because I'm not patriotic. It is simply because I don't know whether I can make a better solution for it or no.

And, the most important reason, is because I want to be honest to myself.

I have lied to myself all this time, saying that I know about everything happens in this country, or simply on the society around me. Deep in my heart, I want to stop it. I want to admit that there are some things I don't know. I want to learn more. I want to be mature.

I keep that wish inside my heart, and it calmed me for some reason.

Then, there was times that I graduated from college and started to live on my own. Even though this rebellion desire still exist, I tried to stop it little by little - in fact, I am still trying even now. And that wish I kept from my college life, I still keep it until now.

And then, there was the incident that happened between me and my friends.

Yeah, that's right.

The incident that left me no choice but to deny their existence. The incident that make me want to erase this memories of mine. The incident that makes me want to just deny these three years memories - about playing silly games until the middle of the night, about being a medic and undergo an SAR, about every little things that makes me smile back then.

But even so, I'm glad.

Even when I lost those once-so-called-precious friends, even when I feel really empty, I'm glad.

Because in the end, I can stay in being honest to myself.

艱難にあって初めて真友を知る

Friends are known first in hardships.

Someday, I believe that there will be a certain someone that is willing to accept me, including my ugliness, including my wish to keep being honest to myself.

Mmn. I'm sure of it.

 

Spoiler: between past and future

To be able to move on, you'll have to either forgive or forget the past. While to forgive is difficult, to forget is almost impossible.

Up until now, I, too, still have some difficulties forgiving the past. It's just, there are too many things I regret about it.

I regret being in an organization that eventually betray me. I regret to stay among people that led me to deceive myself. I regret to live as someone I don't even recognize anymore.

Consider this. If only I spent my three years back in high school while studying Russian, rather than being a mountain climber, I would likely have gone to St. Petersburg when I had the chance back there in high school. Also, if only I spent my three years in college by learning Japanese, I should've been in Fukue-jima by now.

Ah, to think about it now...

I wish I had not joined the silly organization that can only bullying people, or going to the street yelling nonsense. I wish I can be an independent student who can do everything by myself rather than hanging out with some friend that eventually just mere people by now, nothing special. I still hate those silly-fake-friendship I had back then, and I still regret about why I decided to choose this way of life. What I believed back then, I decided without any knowledge of it and just going with what the people believed in. Eventually, I lost what I believed in, and that situation led me nowhere.

Yeah...

There are too many things I regret to happen. I regret those things so much that I want to have a time machine and go back to the past to change how it happened.

But that's impossible, isn't it?

Those regrets, those scars, they will eternally stay deep inside my mind. Forever. Still, there is nothing I can't do about it. Nothing at all.

Therefore, I want to just ignore it and keep moving on. That's the best that I can do about it.

Sometimes my memories just instinctively recalled about what happened in the past, even though I don't want to remember it anymore. That's why, to forget what already happened is almost impossible - except you lose your memory.

But even so, I've decided...

I've decided that I won't lose to this regrets anymore, and to live as myself.

All those things happened in the past, I'll do my best not to remember it anymore. From now on, I'll live my live with being myself, my very own self.

That's right.

Even though this memory keeps me in pain, even though all those things haunt me, I will be my true self. I will not wear those masks again and pretend to be clever, smart, brave, weak, strong, no. I will not.

Also, I will not live by social prejudice. I want to be myself. I want to be honest to myself.

Well, to begin with, there are several things I want. I want to be fluent in both Japanese and Russian, and now I'm doing my best to be able to do it. Also, I'll do my best not to say something before I have any knowledge about it.

Someday, I believe, I will become myself again.

Mmn.

I'm sure of it.

 

Spoiler: about

To compete is interesting, yet, should everything be a competition?

I used to be greedy about winning a competition, even to the point that everything is a competition. Even small things like what's the best way to save the country and so on - yeah, I consider it to be a small thing with my current position - becomes a competition to be over with.

still, nothing good ever come out of it. If you win, you'll become more and more greedy about winning, and seeing those behind you just make you proud of yourself. For me, pride is something that can kills you instantly. Yet, if you lose, you'll try so hard to win, only to become a winner and being greed about it. It may also result in a depressed feelings when you realize that you cannot win over that competition, which is mostly, a silly ones.

Truth to be told, I kinda tired from that silly old competition. Doing everything to save this country, which is best between this and that, what should a model student like, yeah, I know how it feels, and I'm into that anymore.

Life, once you know it, is not entirely about competition.

The concept of winning or losing used to be an interesting concept in my life back then. Now, that concept is just a joke. I'd rather move on with my life rather than wasting my time trying to win over anything.

I'll live my life to what I want to do, and to what I believe in.

And, hey, I've made my rule of life. It's simple, yet it makes me comfortable at this moment. The rules are :
1. Be kind to others
2. Be happy
3. Be honest to yourself

Yeah, just what did I write in the middle of the night?

 

Spoiler: my old self

back then I love criticize people or somethings. It feels so goon to point one's mistake and expose it all out.

Until I realize I canot become better than those things or people I criticize.

So now, whenever I see something being criticized or exposed, I look at myself and think :

Can I become like them?

Do I have the power they possessed?

being more mature, means stops thinking negatively about everything.

at least that's what I think.